The Tragical History of Bromeo and Drooliet - THE COMPLETE SAGA

Finally! It's all here! Romeo and Juliet like you've never fuggin seen before! We've all heard of William Shakespeare. We've all been bored to death by his plays. Well now you can read his play the way it was meant to be. Like a regular Bill fuggin Shagesbere! It's so good, it's fuggin great!

Act I Scene I - Montagues and Capulets fight in the street! The Prince is not happy! Romeo whines to Benvolio!
Act I Scene II - Capulet plans a party and Romeo hears about it!
Act I Scene III - Juliet hangs out with her Nurse and Mom!
Act I Scene IV - Romeo and friends practice dancing and Mercutio spouts off some nonsense!
Act I Scene V - Romeo and pals crash the Capulet party! Romeo and Juliet meet and it's love at first sight!
Act II Scene I - Romeo ditches his pals to go find Juliet!
Act II Scene II - Romeo and Juliet talk to each other! The talk is very romantic!
Act II Scene III - Romeo visits Friar Laurence and asks him to marry him and Juliet. The Friar agrees!
Act II Scene IV - Romeo finds his pals Benvolio and Mercutio! They run into the Nurse and Romeo tells her the wedding plans!
Act II Scene V - The Nurse tells Juliet about the wedding plans and Juliet is happy!
Act II Scene VI - Friar Laurance marries Romeo and Juliet!
Act III Scene I - Romeo stumbles upon a fight in the streets! Tybalt kills Mercutio! Romeo kills Tybalt! The Prince banishes Romeo!
Act III Scene II - Juliet learns that Tybalt is dead and Romeo is banished! Juliet is not happy!
Act III Scene III - Romeo whines to Friar Laurance! The Nurse stops by! The Friar gives Romeo a pep talk!
Act III Scene IV - Paris and Capulet talk! They decide that Juliet will marry Paris in two days!
Act III Scene V - Romeo and Juliet spend the night together! Romeo leaves for Mantua! Juliet learns about the proposed marriage to Paris! Juliet is not happy!
Act IV Scene I - Juliet meets Paris! Friar Laurance tells Juliet to fake her death to avoid marrying Paris! Juliet agrees!
Act IV Scene II - Juliet pretends to go along with Capulet's plan for her to marry Paris!
Act IV Scene III - Juliet drinks a potion! Juliet slips into a coma!
Act IV Scene IV - Capulet continues to plan for Juliet and Paris' wedding!
Act IV Scene V - Juliet's family find Juliet in a coma! Juliet's family thinks Juliet is dead! Juliet's wedding to Paris is canceled!
Act V Scene I - Balthasar tells Romeo that Juliet is dead! Romeo buys poison and heads back to Verona!
Act V Scene II - Friar John tells Friar Laurance he was unable to tell Romeo about Juliet's faked death. Friar Laurance is not happy!
Act V Scene III - Romeo find Juliet still in a coma. Paris finds Romeo and they fight! Romeo kills Paris! Romeo kills himself! Juliet wakes up from her coma and kills herself! The Prince and everyone else find the bodies! Romeo's mom dies! Montague and Capulet make amends and agree to build gold statues of their kids!
EPILOGUE - Rosaline finally tells her side of the story!

Hope you enjoyed the play! Now go read the one by that hack William Shakespeare and compare, IF YOU DARE!

The Tragical History of Bromeo & Drooliet EPILOGUE

EPILOGUE A street in Verona

Enter Rosaline and pals
Girl 1
So like, can you believe what happened with Romeo and Juliet?
Girl 2
Oh my god I know! So ridiculous.
Girl 1
I thought it was sweet.
Girl 2
I thought it was fucked!
Girl 1
Oh come on, you didn’t think Romeo was being, like, even a tiny bit romantic?
Girl 2
Ye-ah, not romantic enough for me to kill myself!
Girl 1
Hey Rosaline, didn’t you, like, used to date Romeo?
Rosaline
Date? Oh my god more like get stalked by! Please. I barely even spoke to him. And he tried this horrible pick up line about priests praying and how we should make our lips like palms and kiss or whatever. So gross. I bet that skank Juliet loved it, though. Ew. And then he like, fell in love with me and totally wouldn’t leave me alone. Eventually I had to tell him I was becoming a nun and joining a convent just to get him to go away. God I don’t even want to talk about it anymore. It’s just too gross.
Girl 2
OOOH, sounds like someone is a little bit jea-lous of Juli-eeeet!
Rosaline
Juliet? Please! I’m her cousin. Or, was. But whatever, I am not jealous of Juliet. Even though she was like, always the favorite, cause she was like, the heir and all. But you know what? I think she was like, actually retarded. Like, I’m not even kidding. Seriously, I think its just cause she’s an only child and her parents are super rich. She was always such an idiot. You know its true.
Girl 1
Yeah, you may be right. I mean, Romeo was cute, and was like, kinda romantic and all, but like, not worth all that.
Rosaline
And defintitley not worth those stupud fucking gold statues. Barf! Look, Romeo was an asshole. A complete and total asshole. So was Juliet. Those two got what they deserved. And Tybalt, Mercutio and Count Paris? Eh, Verona is better off without them too, believe me.
Girl 2
Hah, you’re such a bitch. I love it. So, what do you think of Benvolio?
Rosaline
Oh my god, speaking of retards...


The End

The Tragical History of Bromeo & Drooliet Act V Scene III

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The Tragical History of Bromeo & Drooliet Act V Scene II

SCENE II. Friar Fuggin Laurence's cell.

Enter FRIAR JOHN
FRIAR JOHN
Face front fellow Franciscan! Your fellow fraternal friar ferrets favor!
Enter FRIAR LAURENCE
FRIAR LAURENCE
Adroit alliteration as always, Friar John! I awaited your auspicious appearance! What news from Mantua? What response gave you Romeo? And please deliver any corresponding missive he bade you as soon as possible.
FRIAR JOHN
Ah yes, well, about that. You see, I ran into a little difficulty getting into Mantua. I guess there’s this, plague thing going around, and so, I was not allowed into Mantua because of the quarantine they have set up, and so I wasn’t exactly able to deliver your letter to Romeo. Because of the plague.
FRIAR LAURENCE
Okay, so if you didn’t, who did deliver my letter to Romeo?
FRIAR JOHN
Well, you see it wasn’t just me that was barred entry, it was everyone. No one could have delivered your letter to Romeo. So, no one, gave your letter to Romeo.
FRIAR LAURENCE
No one! Do you know what this means? Do you have any idea what you’ve done?! This is a catastrophe of extraordinary magnitude! Gadzooks this is bad! Friar John, at least help remedy this disaster and fetch me a crobar. Immediately!
FRIAR JOHN
Okay, I’m going. But also, remember, it was the plague’s fault, not mine.
Exit
FRIAR LAURENCE
Yes, I’m sure we’d all like to blame the plague for our failures. How convenient an excuse for the incompetent. All my meticulous planning, rent to smithereens. I’ll have to make haste to Juliet’s tomb and abscond with her earlier than anticipated. God damn Friar fuck face John. MOTHERFUCK.
Exit

The Tragical History of Bromeo & Drooliet Act V Scene I

SCENE I. A fuckin street in Mantua.

Enter ROMEO
ROMEO
What a pleasant and refreshing sleep! How nice it is to dream of me and Juliet living happily ever after! I can totally see that dream coming true, too. I mean why not? It could happen, totally. You know, all things considered, even exiled and all that, I’m feeling pretty good right now.
Enter BALTHASAR, wearing fuckin boots
Hey, fuckin Balthasar! What’s up fuckin Balthasar? How’s Juliet?
BALTHASAR
Um, well, she’s... good, I guess, if you just mean her soul. Because that should be up in Heaven, doing just fine. But her body is, unfortunately, a cold, lifeless corpse.
ROMEO
Wait what? Are you serious? Juliet is dead? Well fuck you stars! You cocksucking pieces of shit! I can only assume that this is all your fault, seeing as how you control the whole fucking universe! Asshole stars! God damn it. Guess I’m going back to buttfucking Verona then.
BALTHASAR
Do you really want to go rushing back so fast? Why not wait and calm down a bit first.
ROMEO
Hey, I am calm. I’m totally calm, dude. Calmer than a eunuch in a whorehouse. Speaking of fuckin celibate dudes, you don’t have any letters from Friar Laurence by any chance, do you?
BALTHASAR
No, sir, I’m afraid not.
ROMEO
Yeah why would you? Okay, well, get out of my face and go get me a fucking horse so I can go back to buttfucking Verona.
Exit BALTHASAR
Now all I have to do is figure out the most expeditious way to end my fucking life. Lucky for me I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I already picked out the perfect homeless looking apothecary asswipe to sell me the poison I need to kill myself. First time I laid eyes on that pitiful bum I said to myself, ‘if ever there was a pathetic wretch so disgustingly poor that he would resort to selling a man deadly poison to make ends meet, it would be this sorry looking piece of dog shit’. Fucking mendicant. Anyway, here’s his fucking shop. Hey! Apothecary! Fuckin open up!
Enter Apothecary
Apothecary
Stop shouting I’m here. What is it?
ROMEO
I’ve come to buy poison from you old man. Here are forty fuckin ducats. I’m sure you could use them. You are so fucking poor. So take the money and gimme the fucking poison all ready.
Apothecary
Poison? But that’s against Mantuan law. What makes you even think I possess such a thing, let alone want to sell you any?
ROMEO
Because you’re poor and disgusting and would probably sell one of your own feet for a hunk of stale bread you destitute sack of donkey vomit. Now exchange the drugs for the ducats, I don’t have all day.
Apothecary
Well, normally I wouldn’t agree to such a transaction...
ROMEO
Never fucking mind what you would normally do.
Apothecary
All right then sonny boy, here is your poison. Enough to kill twenty men.
ROMEO
Great, and here’s you’re fucking ducats, for all the good they’ll do you. A bargain for me, since all you get are useless slabs of inert metal, whereas I get the sweet release from this cruel joke called life. Idiot.
Exeunt