SCENE V. A hall in Capulet's fuckin house.
Musicians waiting. Enter Peter with fuckin napkinsPeter
Where is Potpan? His name is Potpan, he supposed to take care of the pots, we have dirty pots, he’s not here. The fuck?! It’s not that fucking difficult!
Second Servant
Chores get backed up when there are only two of here that know what we are doing.
Peter
Good to know I’m not the only fucking slave in the house. Buddy, I need you to clear off those tables, move those stools back to where they belong, clean up that fucking shit over there, and for the love of christ can you please go find that asshole Potpan for me?
Second Servant
No problem.
Peter
Wonderful, thanks buddy. Also they need you in the banquet hall. They’ve been yelling for you for fucking hours.
Second Servant
Okay no problem, I’ll just go clone myself so I can be two places at once. [under breath] Fuckin jagov.
Enter CAPULET, with JULIET and others of his house, meeting the Guests and Maskers and shit
CAPULET
Ah! Friends! Ladies, Gentlemen, those of indeterminate sex and those who fall somewhere in between - you are all welcome! Come in, come in, enjoy yourselves! ITS A CELEBRATION VERONANS!
Music plays, and they fuckin dance
Ah, cousin and fellow Capulet, sit with me, I am exhausted! It’s been too long since we’ve had a spectacle such as this and I have difficulty keeping up with the young folk. How many years has it been since our last get together?
Second Capulet
Oh, I’d say going on thirty years.
CAPULET
What? No. Not that long. We were just at Lucentio’s wedding where we all danced the night away!
Second Capulet
Yes, and Lucentio now has a son who is thirty years old.
CAPULET
OK so we're old, let's not dwell on it.
ROMEO
[To Peter] Hey, friend, can you tell me who that girl is over there? The one with the bodacious ta-tas? [holds two invisible boobs]
Peter
Sorry chief, I’m a little busy right now. But I’ll come back a little later and we can pound brew dogs and check out the trim then. [under breath] Fuckin jagov.
ROMEO
Fuck.... She is gorgeous. I would punch my mother in the face to have five minutes with her. I would give up one of my nuts and all of my foreskin for only 30 seconds of dry humping. This may be just my boner talking but I swear I would eat a mountain of her shit just to see where it came from. If at any moment in my life I ever thought there was another girl even remotely as attractive as her then I was clearly fucked up at the time. Holy shit I am rock hard. My bellend is clanging against my codpiece like a motherfucker.
TYBALT
Who the fuck? Well, suck my balls if it isn’t that dickhole, Romeo. Soon to be fucking dead dickhole Romeo. Slave, get my sword, I’m going to stab a shit ton of holes in this fucker.
CAPULET
Whoa, Tybalt, where do you think you’re going?
TYBALT
To kill that fucking Montague dead, with my sword, straight up his ass!
CAPULET
Who, Romeo?
TYBALT
Yes, the piece of dickless shit, Romeo.
CAPULET
Please, I know Romeo. He’s a harmless melancholy geek. Do not worry about Romeo. In fact, we should be so lucky that he takes over the Montague family one day. An incompetent like that in charge will bring nothing but good fortune to us. Now stop trying to ruin the party and calm down.
TYBALT
I got a better idea: how about I fucking end Romeo’s life.
CAPULET
No I have a better idea: YOU SIT DOWN, AND CHILL OUT. And if you want to further challenge my authority in my own house, I suggest you do it from beyond the city walls where I’ll have you banished before you have the chance draw another insolent breath to curse a guest of mine.
TYBALT
Well that’s just a real fuckin shame.
CAPULET
Indeed. And when you run your own family you can throw your own party and stab as amny of your guests as you like. Now remove yourself from my presence, I tire of your boastful prattling. It’s time crank up the tunes and rock this party!
TYBALT
You got lucky this time, fuckin Romeo. But next time I see you, I am so gonna murder the shit out of you.
Exit
ROMEO
[To JULIET]
Hey, you have really nice hands. Wanna make out?
JULIET
Um, I dunno, maybe?
ROMEO
Hey girl, I’ll be your priest if you’ll be my altar boy.
JULIET
Uh, are you saying you wanna defrock me?
ROMEO
No, I wanna frock you all night long.
JULIET
Well... you should know, I’ve never been frocked before.
ROMEO
Don’t worry, I know how to frock girls who are frocking for the first time.
[they make out]
JULIET
Oh my god you’re like, a really good kisser.
ROMEO
I know right? Like check this out.
[they make out again]
JULIET
...um, so like, do you wanna get out of here? Or something?
Nurse
JULIET! I FOUND YOU BABY! Your mom’s looking for you. So go!
ROMEO
Huh? Seriously lady? Who’s her mother anyway?
Nurse
OH HELLO THERE SIR. You must be a close friend of the family to not know that she is the daughter of the Lord and Lady of the House Capulet. AH DUH! Try knowing something besides nothing why don’t you!
ROMEO
Capulet’s daughter? Fuuuuuuuck...
BENVOLIO
Hey Romeo did you see us out there? We totally rocked out! It was AWESOME! So listen, we gotta go, the Capulet’s aren’t going to want around much longer.
ROMEO
Fuuuuuuu - ok fine!
CAPULET
Wait, where is everybody going? There is so much more partying to be done and I can not do it all by myself. Also I - wait what time is it? OK yes, thank you for coming everyone. You all partied most excellently. Splendid performance. Now if you’ll excuse me I believe I shall go pass out.
Exeunt all but JULIET and Nurse
JULIET
Hey, Nurse, who is that guy over there?
Nurse
NURSE UP IN THIS BEATCH! That’d be Tiberio’s kid. I’ll bet my tits on it.
JULIET
No I mean the one leaving like, right now.
Nurse
THA NURSE IS ON THA MUTHAFUCKA. That’s totally Petrucio and these tits are for real.
JULIET
Oh my god, how much have you had to drink? I mean who’s that guy over there? The one that didn’t dance at all?
Nurse
IF YOU AIN’T NURSIN FROM MY TIT THAN I CAN HAVE SOME MORE TO DRINK. [chugs wine] Yeah I don’t know that guy.
JULIET
Go ask him his name. But don’t tell him it’s for me. But let me know if he asks about me. But don’t tell him I want to know if he asked about me. Just don’t tell him anything. Just, go get his name.
...
Go! Now!
Nurse
[Runs after Romeo. Quickly speaks. Runs back.] I DID IT. I DID IT. I FOUND OUT HIS NAME AND HIS NAME IS ROMEO AND HIS DAD IS MONTAGUE AND I’LL HAVE ALL THEIR TITS ARE FOR ME. [Barfs]
JULIET
Ew sick! Also, Nurse, gross. But seriously that suuuuucks! I find true love that I’m pretty sure is totally real and he happens to be the son of my dad’s like, biggest enemy in the world. Ugh! That is just so typical.
Nurse
Huh? What? Titsicle?
JULIET
Nevermind. It’s nothing. Go milk yourself.
Someone calls for 'Juliet.'
Nurse
I’ll milk you! Come on, let’s go. Party’s over. NOTHING TO TITS HERE.
Exeunt
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