SCENE II. A fuckin street.
Enter CAPULET, PARIS, and fuckin ServantsCAPULET
As long as Montague is bound by the same terms as I, we should be able to keep the peace. We really are getting too old for these kinds of things. We should be luxuriating and enjoying our autumnal years, not bickering with each other like children.
PARIS
It is a shame your honorable families have been at odds for so long. I’m sure you’ll work it all out though. Now, have you had time to consider my earlier proposal?
CAPULET
I have, and my opinion remains unchanged. Despite your obvious qualities as a gentlemen, my daughter is not yet fourteen, and still too young to be married, even to man of such distinguished caliber as yourself. In two years she will be mature enough to make you a good wife. Now though she is still yet a child.
PARIS
Children often make the best wives and mothers.
CAPULET
That’s... gross, and also children’s lives are sometimes ruined by marrying too young. Very rarely does someone regret marrying too late. But I’ll tell you what, Paris, you go ahead and hit on my thirteen year old daughter, and if she’s into you, you have my blessing. But I can’t consent to anything unless you genuinely win her approval. Come to our party tonight. Even though it’s starting in a few hours I still haven’t sent out invitations yet, and I would be honored to count you as one of our guests. It should be a splendid occasion and you’ll have ample opportunity to chat up my barely teenage daughter.
To Peter, giving him a fuckin paper
You, slave, walk around the city inviting every person whose name is on this list to my party. You should probably go immediately since it’s a long list and like I said, the party starts in few hours.
Exeunt CAPULET and PARIS
Peter
Great idea your worshipfulness. I’ll just read all the names on this list. I, the slave, shall use my awesome skills of literacy to decipher this mess of squiggles and dots and derive some sort of meaning form otherwise random blots of ink. Fantastic plan! How about I build you a spaceship when I’m finished! Then I’ll eat pile of cement and shit out a bronze statue! Anything for my lord and master Capulet!
Seriously, how the fuck am I going to do this. I need to find someone who can read, and it’s not like you find a lot of folks like that in this retarded city. Wait a minute, these fancy gentlemen here look like the book reading type.
Enter BENVOLIO and ROMEO
BENVOLIO
Seriously I’m telling you, Romeo, there’s tons of babes in Verona that you could go out with. Find yourself a nice girl and take her on a date and I bet you’ll forget all about the one that got away in no time.
ROMEO
Hey Benvolio, can you hold my dagger for me for a minute?
BENVOLIO
Of course, what for?
ROMEO
I want you to sit on it.
BENVOLIO
What? Come on...
ROMEO
No for real. I want you to hold the sharp end of my dagger right below your butthole and then drop directly on to the ground. And then when you’re done sitting on my dagger, I want you to - oh hey here comes some fuckin guy. What’s up, guy?
Peter
Oh hey lemme ask you something, can either of you nerds read?
ROMEO
I’m a skilled palm reader. And according these lines here [grabs Peter’s hand] you masterbate constantly.
Peter
Yeah... that’s a good one, but how about a book? Can you read book? You know, words and sentences and shit?
ROMEO
Your mom probably reads.
Peter
This fuckin guy! Ok, later nerds!
ROMEO
Hold on, I’ll read your fuckin letter you illiterate bastard.
Grabs fuckin letter and reads
Mr Martinez and his wife and daughters, the Count Phil Anselmo and his sensual sister, the widow Alma Garrett, Mr Placenta and his lovely nieces, fuckin Mercutio - hey I know him - and his brother Bobby Valentine, my uncle Capulet and his wife and fuckin daughters, fuckin Daughtry, the band, my niece Rosaline - cough bitch - Livia Soprano, Mr Valenzuela and his cousin, fuckin Tieballs - fuckin hate that guy - and last but not least I’m assuming, Lucio and Helena. Great fucking list of swells, where’re they all going?
Peter
To a party.
ROMEO
Where’s the party?
Peter
A house.
ROMEO
Who’s house, smart ass?
Peter
My master's.
ROMEO
I bet your master’s real proud to have such a clever slave.
Peter
And he pays real well too. Listen cheif, don’t get your panties in a bunch. I appreciate the favor. So come to the fuckin party why dontcha? As long as you’re not a Montague my boss Capulet won’t mind. We’ll chug a few tall cold ones and you can make some more of those hilarious masterbation jokes of yours. All right well smell you later, nerds.
Exit
BENVOLIO
Ah, so it was Rosaline that caused you so much heartache! I know her! And since she’s going to be at this party, you should go and check out all the other babes and see how totally not that hot she is. I’ll be your wingman, it’ll be totally cool!
ROMEO
Oh boy, a night out at a party thrown by my father’s sworn enemy where the love of my life will be hanging out enjoying herself after rejecting me, with Benvolio as my wingman. Almost sounds too good to be true!
BENVOLIO
I know right? You’ll see, all those other babes are going to make Rosaline look like a total dog. It’s going to be the best night ever!
ROMEO
Eh so I’ll go and torture myself for a while. Ain’t like I got shit else to do in this fuckin town.
Exeunt
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