The Tragical History of Bromeo & Drooliet Act I Scene IV

SCENE IV. A street.

Enter ROMEO, MERCUTIO, BENVOLIO, with five or six Maskers, Torch-bearers, and shit
ROMEO
So what are we just going to barge into this party we weren’t invited to? Do we have a plan or anything?
BENVOLIO
Yes dude! We’re going to jam onto the scene and impress everyone with our rad dance moves! They’re going to love us! I can’t wait you guys!
ROMEO
Yeah I’m out. Fuck that I’m not doing any of it. See you guys later.
MERCUTIO
Fuck that Romeo, you are in dude. You’re fucking in and that’s fuckin that!
ROMEO
Dude, come on. I still feel shitty about the whole Rosaline thing. I don’t need to go tap dancing like a jerk off in front of her and the rest of those Capulet assholes.
MERCUTIO
I said you’re fucking in Romeo so you’re fucking in. FUCK Rosaline. She is a fucking CUNT.
ROMEO
Whoa, relax dude. I may be depressed on account of my unrequited love, but I still love her nonetheless. So cool it with the c word.
MERCUTIO
Romeo, man, you need to totally UNFUCK yourself from this pathetic FUNK you’re in, because it is totally FUCKING with our evening.
ROMEO
Oh, I’m sorry, you have really big plans for tonight?
MERCUTIO
FUCK yes I do. And your whiny bitch ass sure as SHIT isn’t going to ruin them. FUCK love and FUCK Rosaline. I’m sorry I called her a cunt but you need to put that BITCH in her place, man. Now give me one of those masks and lets get our FUCKING party on.
BENVOLIO
Yeah come on guys! Listen to Murryo! Lets go, this is going to be so sweet!
ROMEO
All right whatever I’ll go. But I’m not dancing. You all look retarded and I don't want to be associated with you.
MERCUTIO
Fine then, be a little BITCH. Our dance moves are going to clean up at this party. I can already hear the panties dropping. Specially once I bust out the ‘automatic leg spreader’! I’m gonna be all like AAUUUUGH! AUH AUH AUH!
ROMEO
Dude, how much drugs are you on?
MERCUTIO
LOTS! So let’s go ladies, you’re wasting my gnar!
ROMEO
This is such a dumb idea.
MERCUTIO
Yeah? Why?
ROMEO
Oh I dunno, maybe because we’re about crash the party of my dad’s mortal enemy like a bunch of screaming mask-wearing maniacs?
MERCUTIO
Do more drugs and you’ll feel a lot better about the whole thing.
ROMEO
That’s okay thanks.
MERCUTIO
Your loss my man.
ROMEO
I doubt that.
MERCUTIO
No listen, what you need is a visit from Queen Mab.
BENVOLIO
Queen Mab? Hey Mecurio, who’s she?
MERCUTIO
Well listen up and I'll tell you. Queen Mab, is like, this fucking, like, fairy godmother, except WAY more fucked up and psychotic. And she doesn’t give a FUCK. She’ll ride right up your fucking nose and into your brain and fucking fry your fuckin dome piece, man. And she couldn’t give a SHIT. And she has this, like, chariot, a tiny chariot, because she’s real tiny, but she still hits like a motherfucker. And her chariot is pulled by these, like, tiny little gremlins, like these demons. And it’s made out of, like, insect bones and spider guts and fucking nightmares. And she makes you do shit, man. Queen Mab gets in your head and she fucking takes over. And if you ever like, oversleep for an appointment or forget about an important meeting or like drink too much and fall over or piss yourself or punch your girlfriend in the face, THATS fucking Queen Mab. And she does NOT care if she ruins your fucking day. She fucking cares NOT. And if you’re like, beating off, and it’s going fine, and everything’s fine, but then some totally weird shit POPS into your head and you’re like, where the FUCK did that come from? That’s fucking Queen Mab! Like you’re cranking one out and then all sudden you see your sister in the shower and she’s like, hey what are you doing here, and you’re like, oh sorry I didn’t see you there, and she’s like, duh, the showers running, and you’re like, yeah, I can see that now, and then Queen Mab tells you to like, pull back the curtain-
ROMEO
ALL RIGHT MERCUTIO THAT’S ENOUGH! WE GET IT. Queen Mab, good story, awesome. I’ll have to remember that next time I feel like losing my god damn mind.
MERCUTIO
You’re not going to lose your mind, man, you’re gonna fucking find it. And I don’t care what you say because Queen Mab is fucking real man. I fucking KNOW this.
BENVOLIO
Guys, Mercuro, come one, we gotta go! If we don’t go now we’re going to miss the party!
ROMEO
Yeah fine, let’s get this over with. Even though I kind of have a bad feeling about tonight, like it’s going to somehow set into motion a chain of events that is going to totally destroy me and everyone I love within a week. But whatever, probably just Queen Mab, right?
BENVOLIO
Yeah whatever, let’s go!
Exeunt