ACT I
PROLOGUE
So everyone is familiar with the story by now, yes? Two horny teens get married against the wishes of their parents, who fucking hate each other, and so they end up dead, along with a bunch of other people, because, I dunno, fate or stars or something, right? Anyway, SPOILER ALERT. But that’s what happens. Hope you read on and enjoy it irregardlessly!SCENE I. Verona. A public place.
Enter SAMPSON and GREGORY, of the house of Capulet, armed with fuckin swordsSAMPSON
Gregory, dude, carrying shit for other people blows.
GREGORY
No, Sampson, caring is blowing other people for shit.
SAMPSON
What I mean bro, is that schlepping around crap for our bosses is no fun.
GREGORY
Maybe you shouldn’t be schlepping on the job.
SAMPSON
Hey, I only sleep when I’m tired.
GREGORY
But but you never tire of sleep.
SAMPSON
Tell you what bro, I’m getting pretty fucking tired of those son of bitch Montagues.
GREGORY
Tired of getting pummeled mercilessly by them, maybe.
SAMPSON
Fuck you, dude. I’ll take out any Montague I see.
GREGORY
You would take them out... to nice romantic dinner.
SAMPSON
Yeah the hot women. I’ll take them out to dinner and then drop my dong bone right in their junk. But the men, I’ll take them out like the trash.
GREGORY
Sampson, the only trash you took out lately is your own used tampons.
SAMPSON
Dude, what are you talking about? I don’t use tampons. I’m pretty sure I don’t even know what they do.
GREGORY
You know nothing of menstruation?
SAMPSON
Womenstration neither!
GREGORY
I’m straining to believe the depths of your ignorance.
SAMPSON
Bro the only straining I ever do is when I’m knee deep in some pink and letting her feel it! YEAH!
GREGORY
You are retarded. Look! Take your weapon out, here comes some fuckin Montagues!
SAMPSON
My weapon? You mean like my dong? Take my dong out and sex up some ladies? Oh, no, Montague dudes! Shit, it’s sword fighting time!
GREGORY
Yeah, so get ready!
SAMPSON
Don’t worry, dude, I got my sword out and I’m totally ready to start stabbing!
GREGORY
That’s what I’m worried about!
SAMPSON
So let em come at us. Let em come at me bro!
GREGORY
Yes, fine. Let em come at you, bro.
SAMPSON
Yo, check it out, even better idea, I’ll flip em off. See how they like that shit!
Enter ABRAHAM and BALTHASAR
ABRAHAM
Bro, are you giving me the finger?
SAMPSON
I’m giving the fucking finger all right.
ABRAHAM
Yeah, I see that bro, but are you giving it specifically to me?
SAMPSON
[Aside to GREGORY] What should I say?
GREGORY
[Aside to SAMPSON] Tell him no.
SAMPSON
No dude, I’m just sticking my hand out into the street and extending my middle finger and if you happen to walk by, well, sucks for you bro but that’s not my fault.
GREGORY
You got a problem with that, pal?
ABRAHAM
A problem? No I don’t have a problem.
SAMPSON
Well you’re about to have a problem. A problem with your face, after I totally fuck it up!
ABRAHAM
You would fuck another guy’s face, wouldn’t you?
SAMPSON
What? No!
GREGORY
Just start the fight already - fucking Tybalt’s coming.
SAMPSON
All right, you ready to get fucked up, dude?
ABRAHAM
Go fuck your mother, jerk off.
SAMPSON
Fuck my mother? You fucking piece of shit!
They fight
Enter BENVOLIO
BENVOLIO
Hey, stop it you guys! You’re going to get us in trouble!
Beats down their fuckin swords
Enter fuckin TYBALT
TYBALT
The fuck are you doing here, Benvolio? You gotta death wish, bitch?! You wanna fucking die!?!
BENVOLIO
Dude! Calm down, I’m trying to break the fight up. Help, will you?
TYBALT
Fuck you pussy! Why don’t you help yourself to a heaping portion of my shit! I hate calming down and I hate you! Suck my razor sharp steel dick, muthafucka!
They fight
Enter, several of both houses, who join the fray; then enter Citizens, with fuckin clubs
First Citizen
Hey everybody, use your clubs to beat the Capulets and Montagues over their big stupid heads! Fuck those assholes! ASS-HOLES! ASS-HOLES! ASS-HOLES!
Enter CAPULET and LADY FUCKIN CAPULET
CAPULET
What? A fight! Give me my sword I shall do battle!
LADY CAPULET
Fight with a sword in one hand and a cane in the other? Give it a rest, will you?
CAPULET
If Montague can fight you’re god damn right I’ll use sword and cane and any god damn thing else!
Enter MONTAGUE and LADY FUCKIN MONTAGUE
MONTAGUE
Capulet scum! Let me at em!
LADY MONTAGUE
Oh no you don’t! Forget it, mister! You’re fighting days are long gone.
Enter PRINCE, with fuckin Attendants
PRINCE
SUBJECTS, YOU WILL CEASE AND DESIST IMMEDIATELY.
Seriously, what is wrong with you people?! You fight, ALL the time! Why are you so eager to kill yourselves and destroy my city along the way? Just stop.
Now, hear this: Montagues and Capulets, If you fight just one more time and mess up my fair city again, I WILL EXECUTE YOU BOTH.
Honestly I don’t know why you guys fight so much. You’re the two richest families in Verona. You employee scores of servants. Tell them to stop fighting each other and enjoy your wealth! You’re that bored, get a hobby! Set up a charity, adopt a baby! I don’t care just STOP FIGHTING.
Capulet, I’ll discuss this further with you now. Montague, I’ll talk to you later. Now, walk with me, Capulet.
Exeunt all but MONTAGUE, LADY MONTAGUE, and fuckin BENVOLIO
MONTAGUE
So what set everyone off this time, nephew? Were you involved?
BENVOLIO
I was, but only to break up the fight, I swear! It was all Tybalt! He escalated everything. It was just a bunch of guys arguing but Tybalt went nuts and things got crazy. He probably would have killed me if the Price didn’t show up.
LADY MONTAGUE
Yes, how glad we all are for that. What about Romeo? Was he there?
BENVOLIO
Not in the fight. I last saw Romeo sulking under the sycamore tree on the west side of town. It was early in the morning and I tried talking to him but he didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I figured I’d leave him alone rather than be a bother.
MONTAGUE
Oh don’t take it personally Benvolio. At least not in this case. Romeo’s been spending all day holed up in his room with the curtains drawn. I swear he’s turned into a vampire the way he avoids the sun. A big mopey vampire that doesn’t even want to talk to his own father.
BENVOLIO
What’s got him so feeling so blue?
MONTAGUE
For the life of me I can’t figure it out.
BENVOLIO
Have you tried asking him?
MONTAGUE
...yes, Benvolio. I’ve tried asking my son what’s wrong. I’ve even asked his friends to ask him. All of his good friends, in fact. So all of Romeo’s good friends would know that I’ve asked about Romeo by now. Benvolio.
Enter fuckin ROMEO
BENVOLIO
Wait, here he comes. Quick, hide, and maybe I can figure out the cause of Romeo’s melancholy.
MONTAGUE
Yes, great idea. We’ll hide and you give a shot. Good luck, Benvolio.
Exeunt MONTAGUE and LADY FUCKIN MONTAGUE
BENVOLIO
Hey, cuz, how’s it hanging?.
ROMEO
From a noose I wish.
BENVOLIO
Oh cool, well I’m doing great!
ROMEO
REALLY? WONDERFUL BENVOLIO. Hey was that my dad you were just talking to?
BENVOLIO
Yep, sure was. So, Romeo, why the long face?
ROMEO
Maybe because people keep asking me questions and annoying the fuck out of me.
BENVOLIO
Really?
ROMEO
No, Benvolio. If you must know it’s because I am in love, yet my love is not returned to me by the object of my affection.
BENVOLIO
You’re in love?
ROMEO
Yes, like I just said. I’m in love, yet not in the love of my love.
BENVOLIO
Wait, what?
ROMEO
I HAVE A CRUSH ON A GIRL BUT SHE DOESN’T LIKE ME BACK. And it sucks.
Hey was there a fight here or something? Why do people love to fight? Why do they possess a predilection for hate? It’s like one of those things, like a bright shadow or a jumbo shrimp, or a sad song about an open house on a rainy day. It’s like how I’m in love but still miserable. FUCKIN IRONY, AMIRITE?
BENVOLIO
Ironing?
ROMEO
The word confuses you?
BENVOLIO
I just don’t get why you’re so sad all the time, Romeo.
ROMEO
Maybe it’s because a girl ripped my still-beating heart out of my chest, threw it on the floor and stomped all over it. And every time someone asks me why I feel so shitty, I have to explain to them the whole situation that made me feel so shitty in the first place. And I have to relive the moment where my guts were quite literally ripped out of my stomach and tossed into the garbage. And then everyone gets all pissy because I snap at them. And then I feel bad for making them feel bad. So basically, Benvolio, I feel terrible because life is a great big fat fucking joke, and I’m sick of being the punchline.
Anyway, see ya later cousin.
BENVOLIO
Wait, I’m sorry for asking! I don’t mind that you’re sad or that you snapped at me. I just want to help.
ROMEO
Ah, I’m sorry Benvolio. It’s been a rough couple days for me.
BENVOLIO
No it’s OK, really. So who was she anyway.
ROMEO
Was? She’s still there, jabbing my lungs with painful failure at every breath I draw.
BENVOLIO
That bad, huh?
ROMEO
Benvolio, let me tell you something. Every night I stay up late, delaying sleep, because I know the sooner I go to bed the sooner I’ll have to wake up and live through another miserable fucking day.
BENVOLIO
...so she’s really pretty then?
ROMEO
A mere glimpse of her would send a death row inmate into fits of glee.
BENVOLIO
But you’ve glimpsed her and you’re miserable!
ROMEO
Yeah well, the death row inmate would not have his advances spurned, his hopes crushed and his dreams shattered, all brutally. Those lucky future dead men would never see their chance at true love to go crashing down horrible flames. She’s not giving it up, this one. She’s keeping those thighs of hers shut tighter than the cookie jar at fat camp.
BENVOLIO
You mean she’s not hooking up with anybody?
ROMEO
Nope. And it’s a shame too. I’d almost rather she go out with somebody else than let that hot piece of ass go to waste.
BENVOLIO
Well then there’s no point in worrying about it. Just forget her.
ROMEO
OH RIGHT SURE, I’LL JUST DO THAT. THANKS FOR THE SUGGESTION. I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT, BENVOLIO. BRILLIANT STRATEGY LET ME TRY THAT.
BENVOLIO
OK well then try going after someone else. There’s other girls out there.
ROMEO
Yeah I’ve tried that too. And looking at the other skanks just remind me how hot she is and ugly they are. Once she gets her hooks in you, there’s no getting out. You’d have a better chance getting a crack addict to lay off the pipe than me ever forgetting her.
BENVOLIO
Well I still want to help you, Romeo. And if you let me, I bet we can pull you out of this funk you’re in.
Exeunt
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