Act I, Scene I
Act I, Scene II
Act I, Scene III
Act I, Scene IV
Act I, Scene V
Act II, Scene I
Act II, Scene II
Act III, Scene I
Act III, Scene II
Act III, Scene III
Act III, Scene IV
Act IV, Scene I
Act IV, Scene II
Act IV, Scene III
Act IV, Scene IV
Act IV, Scene V
Act IV, Scene VI
Act IV, Scene VII
Act V, Scene I
Act V, Scene II
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
The Tragedy of Hamdong Act V Scene II
SCENE II. A hall in the castle.
Enter HAMLET and HORATIO
HAMLET
Say, did I ever tell you the rest of my pirate adventure story?
HORATIO
Um, I don’t think so.
HAMLET
Well, it all got started as I lied in bed on the first ship. I was trying to sleep but couldn’t, cause my stomach was growling! So I ate the captain and the ship crashed!
HORATIO
Clearly all part of God’s plan.
HAMLET
Truth. I figured, hey, if I wasn’t supposed to eat the captain of the ship, God wouldn’t have made me so hungry, nor the captain so tasty.
Oh! Also! I found the letters my asshole Uncle wrote to the king of England, telling him that as soon as I show up that I should have my head cut off!
Ain’t that a piece of bullshit!
HORATIO
Pure royal knavery.
HAMLET
I got it right here, check that shit out. Now, can you guess what I did next?
HORATIO
Is this before or after you ate the captain and the ship crashed?
HAMLET
Nevermind that. What I did next was I forged a letter in my asshole uncle’s handwriting, telling the king of England not to chop my head off, but to decapitate the asshole delivering the letters! Hah, take that, assholes!
HORATIO
Good one my lord, Hamdong.
HAMLET
To make sure the request was fulfilled, I buttered the king of England up with some flowery talk about how great he is, and what a fine majestic cock he has, and how he deserves to have it slobbered on by the finest whores in all the land.
HORATIO
He no doubt agrees. But how did you convince the king of England that the letters were authentic after you had broken the king of Denmark’s wax seal? It’s not like you could have possibly been carrying a replica of the Danish king’s personal seal with you that whole time.
HAMLET
Hah, guess what? You are so wrong. I totally had an exact replica of the Danish king’s royal seal on me right then when I wrote the fake letters. Awesome, right?
HORATIO
I would say literally unbelivable. But good for you of course. By the way, what happened to Rosenshaumps and Gildenturb?
HAMLET
Ah who fucking cares. Fuck them.
I’m pretty sure they’re dead, though.
HORATIO
They were total knobs, this is true.
HAMLET
So is that asshole uncle of mine.
It’s totally justified if I kill that fucker, right? I mean, like, ethically speaking. We already know he killed my dad and whore’d up my mom. And it's not like he's just goign to stop being evil any time soon. So it’d be wrong of me NOT to kill him, right? John Stuart Mill and any utilitarian worth a god damn would have to agree with me, yes?
HORATIO
Who the fuck is John Stuart Mill?
HAMLET
Nevermind. Anyway, I feel bad about getting into a fight with Laertes. He’s a dick, but in a way, I’m kind of jealous of him. I’ve been dithering about this whole revenge thing, wheras he gets right down to business. I mean, I’d rather he not want to kill me, but I appreciate him wanting to avenge his father. It’s what I want to do, too, it’s just, unlike Laertes, I’m kind of a huge pussy.
HORATIO
You’re exactly a huge pussy. Hold up, someone’s coming.
Enter OSRIC
OSRIC
Hello prince Hamdong.
HAMLET
Who the fuck is he supposed to be?
HORATIO
Beats me, dude.
HAMLET
So what the hell do you want, pal?
OSRIC
I have a message for you, my lord, from the king.
HAMLET
I will hear it. But on one condition. You put your fuggin hat on, and you do it now.
OSRIC
My apologies, sir, I took it off because it is very hot.
HAMLET
The fuck it is! It’s cold and windy!
OSRIC
You’re right, very cold indeed.
HAMLET
WRONG AGAIN. IT’S FUCKING SMOLDERING!
OSRIC
Yes of course, very hot and sultry, my lord. I , uh, well, I’m sure it’s whatever tempurature you say it is. Anyway, that message for you-
HAMLET
NOT BEFORE YOU PUT ON YOUR FUCKING HAT, BITCH.
HAMLET moves him to put on his hat
OSRIC
Hey, enough with the hat. I’m leaving it off, Ok? And that’s final. Now, about the message; Laertes is at the castle, and everyone is creaming over him, because he is such a rad dude. Women want him, and men want to be inside him. We all want to be inside Laertes.
HAMLET
Yes yes, we’d all acquire sore throats trying to list all the different ways Laertes is great. The list is immeasurable in length, not unlike his johnson. Let’s just pretend we covered that part and skip to the next bit.
OSRIC
The king clearly pops boners for him.
HAMLET
And I give a fuck what the asshole king thinks?
OSRIC
I beg your pardon?
HORATIO
Did prince Hamdong stutter? Do you speak English? Wait, why would you, this is Denmark.
HAMLET
Nevermind him, tell me why you are talking up this dude’s game.
OSRIC
You mean Laertes?
HORATIO
Now he’s confused.
HAMLET
Clearly. Yes, of fuggin Laertes.
OSRIC
I know you are aware of Laertes skills-
HAMLET
You know shit about what I know!
OSRIC
But surely you’ve heard of his greatness.
HAMLET
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FUGGIN SHIRLEY!?
OSRIC
What? No! I mean, I’m sorry, but regarding Laertes, you are aware that he’s a swordsman so lethal, that no other can equal, he rocks on with the jam, he rocks on for the people?
HAMLET
True blue. Makes the ladies reply with the wink of his eye. You know what kind of steel this Layertees carries?
OSRIC
A rapier and dagger.
HAMLET
Ah, so he’s a rapiest.
OSRIC
Yes, and the king has wagered a bunch of expensive horses and swords and shit that he is the best.
HAMLET
Did he include the carriages with those horse?
HORATIO
HE BETTER HAVE INCLUDED FUCKING CARRIAGES.
OSRIC
Yes sir, he included the carriages.
HAMLET
Great, so the king put a bunch of expensive bullshit on the line with Laertes. Good for him. Good for the fucking king and fuckin Laertes.
OSRIC
The idea is to get you to sword fight with Laertes. He says he’ll beat you 9 times out of 12 and he wants to know if you’ve balls to accept the challenge. His words, sir.
HAMLET
And if I say 'no'?
OSRIC
Then he told me to tell you that you’re a punk ass bitch, sir. Still his words, sir.
HAMLET
Fine, then I’ll do it.
OSRIC
Great, by the way, I think the king is actually wagering against France that you will beat Laertes. Or something. I don’t think it matters. The point is you have to sword fight with Laertes.
HAMLET
You're right, it doesn't matter. Whatever the bullshit terms are, its fine. I don’t give a shit. There's no good reason for me to swordfight Laertes but I'm going to do it anyway. Fuck it.
OSRIC
Wonderful. I’ll tell the king.
HAMLET
Yeah whatever, fuck you.
Exit OSRIC
What a little shit.
HORATIO
A real dick licker.
HAMLET
I know his kind. Useless sycophants sucking on the royal teat for dear life. They can all go screw, that’s what I say.
Enter a Lord
Lord
My lord Hamdong, the king wants to know if you’re going to do this shit or not. We’ve all been waiting for you to fight Laertes for what seems like FOREVER.
HAMLET
I’ll fight when I’m good and god damn ready, asshole. And I'll be ready whenever I say I'm ready, OK?
OK now I’m ready.
Lord
Great, I’ll go get the king and queen.
HAMLET
Hey dude, suck a dick, whatever.
Lord
Oh and the queen wishes you and Laertes to make up and be friends again.
HAMLET
The queen wishes a lot of things, pal. But she can wish in one hand and masturbate with the other see which gets her orgasming first
HAMLET
Say, did I ever tell you the rest of my pirate adventure story?
HORATIO
Um, I don’t think so.
HAMLET
Well, it all got started as I lied in bed on the first ship. I was trying to sleep but couldn’t, cause my stomach was growling! So I ate the captain and the ship crashed!
HORATIO
Clearly all part of God’s plan.
HAMLET
Truth. I figured, hey, if I wasn’t supposed to eat the captain of the ship, God wouldn’t have made me so hungry, nor the captain so tasty.
Oh! Also! I found the letters my asshole Uncle wrote to the king of England, telling him that as soon as I show up that I should have my head cut off!
Ain’t that a piece of bullshit!
HORATIO
Pure royal knavery.
HAMLET
I got it right here, check that shit out. Now, can you guess what I did next?
HORATIO
Is this before or after you ate the captain and the ship crashed?
HAMLET
Nevermind that. What I did next was I forged a letter in my asshole uncle’s handwriting, telling the king of England not to chop my head off, but to decapitate the asshole delivering the letters! Hah, take that, assholes!
HORATIO
Good one my lord, Hamdong.
HAMLET
To make sure the request was fulfilled, I buttered the king of England up with some flowery talk about how great he is, and what a fine majestic cock he has, and how he deserves to have it slobbered on by the finest whores in all the land.
HORATIO
He no doubt agrees. But how did you convince the king of England that the letters were authentic after you had broken the king of Denmark’s wax seal? It’s not like you could have possibly been carrying a replica of the Danish king’s personal seal with you that whole time.
HAMLET
Hah, guess what? You are so wrong. I totally had an exact replica of the Danish king’s royal seal on me right then when I wrote the fake letters. Awesome, right?
HORATIO
I would say literally unbelivable. But good for you of course. By the way, what happened to Rosenshaumps and Gildenturb?
HAMLET
Ah who fucking cares. Fuck them.
I’m pretty sure they’re dead, though.
HORATIO
They were total knobs, this is true.
HAMLET
So is that asshole uncle of mine.
It’s totally justified if I kill that fucker, right? I mean, like, ethically speaking. We already know he killed my dad and whore’d up my mom. And it's not like he's just goign to stop being evil any time soon. So it’d be wrong of me NOT to kill him, right? John Stuart Mill and any utilitarian worth a god damn would have to agree with me, yes?
HORATIO
Who the fuck is John Stuart Mill?
HAMLET
Nevermind. Anyway, I feel bad about getting into a fight with Laertes. He’s a dick, but in a way, I’m kind of jealous of him. I’ve been dithering about this whole revenge thing, wheras he gets right down to business. I mean, I’d rather he not want to kill me, but I appreciate him wanting to avenge his father. It’s what I want to do, too, it’s just, unlike Laertes, I’m kind of a huge pussy.
HORATIO
You’re exactly a huge pussy. Hold up, someone’s coming.
Enter OSRIC
OSRIC
Hello prince Hamdong.
HAMLET
Who the fuck is he supposed to be?
HORATIO
Beats me, dude.
HAMLET
So what the hell do you want, pal?
OSRIC
I have a message for you, my lord, from the king.
HAMLET
I will hear it. But on one condition. You put your fuggin hat on, and you do it now.
OSRIC
My apologies, sir, I took it off because it is very hot.
HAMLET
The fuck it is! It’s cold and windy!
OSRIC
You’re right, very cold indeed.
HAMLET
WRONG AGAIN. IT’S FUCKING SMOLDERING!
OSRIC
Yes of course, very hot and sultry, my lord. I , uh, well, I’m sure it’s whatever tempurature you say it is. Anyway, that message for you-
HAMLET
NOT BEFORE YOU PUT ON YOUR FUCKING HAT, BITCH.
HAMLET moves him to put on his hat
OSRIC
Hey, enough with the hat. I’m leaving it off, Ok? And that’s final. Now, about the message; Laertes is at the castle, and everyone is creaming over him, because he is such a rad dude. Women want him, and men want to be inside him. We all want to be inside Laertes.
HAMLET
Yes yes, we’d all acquire sore throats trying to list all the different ways Laertes is great. The list is immeasurable in length, not unlike his johnson. Let’s just pretend we covered that part and skip to the next bit.
OSRIC
The king clearly pops boners for him.
HAMLET
And I give a fuck what the asshole king thinks?
OSRIC
I beg your pardon?
HORATIO
Did prince Hamdong stutter? Do you speak English? Wait, why would you, this is Denmark.
HAMLET
Nevermind him, tell me why you are talking up this dude’s game.
OSRIC
You mean Laertes?
HORATIO
Now he’s confused.
HAMLET
Clearly. Yes, of fuggin Laertes.
OSRIC
I know you are aware of Laertes skills-
HAMLET
You know shit about what I know!
OSRIC
But surely you’ve heard of his greatness.
HAMLET
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FUGGIN SHIRLEY!?
OSRIC
What? No! I mean, I’m sorry, but regarding Laertes, you are aware that he’s a swordsman so lethal, that no other can equal, he rocks on with the jam, he rocks on for the people?
HAMLET
True blue. Makes the ladies reply with the wink of his eye. You know what kind of steel this Layertees carries?
OSRIC
A rapier and dagger.
HAMLET
Ah, so he’s a rapiest.
OSRIC
Yes, and the king has wagered a bunch of expensive horses and swords and shit that he is the best.
HAMLET
Did he include the carriages with those horse?
HORATIO
HE BETTER HAVE INCLUDED FUCKING CARRIAGES.
OSRIC
Yes sir, he included the carriages.
HAMLET
Great, so the king put a bunch of expensive bullshit on the line with Laertes. Good for him. Good for the fucking king and fuckin Laertes.
OSRIC
The idea is to get you to sword fight with Laertes. He says he’ll beat you 9 times out of 12 and he wants to know if you’ve balls to accept the challenge. His words, sir.
HAMLET
And if I say 'no'?
OSRIC
Then he told me to tell you that you’re a punk ass bitch, sir. Still his words, sir.
HAMLET
Fine, then I’ll do it.
OSRIC
Great, by the way, I think the king is actually wagering against France that you will beat Laertes. Or something. I don’t think it matters. The point is you have to sword fight with Laertes.
HAMLET
You're right, it doesn't matter. Whatever the bullshit terms are, its fine. I don’t give a shit. There's no good reason for me to swordfight Laertes but I'm going to do it anyway. Fuck it.
OSRIC
Wonderful. I’ll tell the king.
HAMLET
Yeah whatever, fuck you.
Exit OSRIC
What a little shit.
HORATIO
A real dick licker.
HAMLET
I know his kind. Useless sycophants sucking on the royal teat for dear life. They can all go screw, that’s what I say.
Enter a Lord
Lord
My lord Hamdong, the king wants to know if you’re going to do this shit or not. We’ve all been waiting for you to fight Laertes for what seems like FOREVER.
HAMLET
I’ll fight when I’m good and god damn ready, asshole. And I'll be ready whenever I say I'm ready, OK?
OK now I’m ready.
Lord
Great, I’ll go get the king and queen.
HAMLET
Hey dude, suck a dick, whatever.
Lord
Oh and the queen wishes you and Laertes to make up and be friends again.
HAMLET
The queen wishes a lot of things, pal. But she can wish in one hand and masturbate with the other see which gets her orgasming first
Now, fuck off.
Exit Lord
HORATIO
Hamdong can I be honest? I think you’re going to lose this sword fight with Laertes.
HAMLET
Good think I don’t give a shit what you think, traitorous Horatio. Aw just kidding, you’re still my best bud. But listen, you don’t know this but while I was on that pirate ship I was practicing my sword fighting the whole time. So I’m like, really really really good at it now.
HORATIO
If you say so.
HAMLET
Stop being a woman, Hortaio, I’m going to beat Laertes like a fourteen year old’s dick.
HORATIO
Teenagers to beat their dicks with a furiousness like none other. So are you ready now or you want me to try and delay the duel a little while longer.
HAMLET
Nah, fuck it. Let’s get this shit over with. Like I said earlier out loud to no one in particular, I’ve been hurtling inexorably toward my destiny my whole life. Delaying things won't make any fucking difference in the grand scheme of things. Also, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this yet BUT I DONT GIVE A MOTHERFUCK ANYMORE.
Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, LAERTES, Lords, OSRIC, and Attendants with foils, & c
KING CLAUDIUS
Hamdong, come here and shake Laertes hands. Come on now, don’t be a little baby about it.
KING CLAUDIUS puts LAERTES' hand into HAMLET's
HAMLET
Hey man. Sorry about, you know, killing your dad and everything. I was going through a really weird time and, well, things got out of hand. My bad.
LAERTES
Hey, shit happens, water under the bridge.
HAMLET
Buds?
LAERTES
Buds. Now lets sword fight.
HAMLET
Hey I just thought of something. These swords are called foils. And you and I are like literary foils of each other. HAH, FUCKING METAPHORS AM I RIGHT?
LAERTES
Hamdong you are so not funny.
HAMLET
Ah who asked you.
KING CLAUDIUS
Enough words, let us have only... S-WORDS.
Osric, give Hamdong and Laertes their... S-WORDS.
Hamdong, you are aware of the stakes, yes?
HAMLET
Yes, I'll have mine medium rare. HAHA JUST KIDDING. No for real I'm pretty sure you bet on me even though the odds are in Laertes’ favor.
KING CLAUDIUS
Yeah close enough. SO ANYWAY, DON’T FUCK UP.
LAERTES
Wait, I need that sword, because, um, I JUST NEED IT. Give it to me.
HAMLET
Fine, all yours, like I give a god damn.
Exit Lord
HORATIO
Hamdong can I be honest? I think you’re going to lose this sword fight with Laertes.
HAMLET
Good think I don’t give a shit what you think, traitorous Horatio. Aw just kidding, you’re still my best bud. But listen, you don’t know this but while I was on that pirate ship I was practicing my sword fighting the whole time. So I’m like, really really really good at it now.
HORATIO
If you say so.
HAMLET
Stop being a woman, Hortaio, I’m going to beat Laertes like a fourteen year old’s dick.
HORATIO
Teenagers to beat their dicks with a furiousness like none other. So are you ready now or you want me to try and delay the duel a little while longer.
HAMLET
Nah, fuck it. Let’s get this shit over with. Like I said earlier out loud to no one in particular, I’ve been hurtling inexorably toward my destiny my whole life. Delaying things won't make any fucking difference in the grand scheme of things. Also, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this yet BUT I DONT GIVE A MOTHERFUCK ANYMORE.
Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, LAERTES, Lords, OSRIC, and Attendants with foils, & c
KING CLAUDIUS
Hamdong, come here and shake Laertes hands. Come on now, don’t be a little baby about it.
KING CLAUDIUS puts LAERTES' hand into HAMLET's
HAMLET
Hey man. Sorry about, you know, killing your dad and everything. I was going through a really weird time and, well, things got out of hand. My bad.
LAERTES
Hey, shit happens, water under the bridge.
HAMLET
Buds?
LAERTES
Buds. Now lets sword fight.
HAMLET
Hey I just thought of something. These swords are called foils. And you and I are like literary foils of each other. HAH, FUCKING METAPHORS AM I RIGHT?
LAERTES
Hamdong you are so not funny.
HAMLET
Ah who asked you.
KING CLAUDIUS
Enough words, let us have only... S-WORDS.
Osric, give Hamdong and Laertes their... S-WORDS.
Hamdong, you are aware of the stakes, yes?
HAMLET
Yes, I'll have mine medium rare. HAHA JUST KIDDING. No for real I'm pretty sure you bet on me even though the odds are in Laertes’ favor.
KING CLAUDIUS
Yeah close enough. SO ANYWAY, DON’T FUCK UP.
LAERTES
Wait, I need that sword, because, um, I JUST NEED IT. Give it to me.
HAMLET
Fine, all yours, like I give a god damn.
Say, buddy,
you know sword fighting could also mean frotting right? Like bumping cocks?
They prepare to play
OSRIC
Oh yes, I’m familiar with penis fencing.
KING CLAUDIUS
Allright, now let’s do this! Fire the canons and ready the wine. We’ll toast whenever Hamdong scores a point. YES, I AM THE FUCKING KING AND I CAN DRINK AS MUCH AS I WANT.
HAMLET
Come on, let’s fucking go.
LAERTES
HEY HAMDONG, GET READY TO GET FUCKED.
They play
HAMLET
Hah! One point for Hamdong!
LAERTES
No way, fuck that!
HAMLET
Judges?
OSRIC
Hamdong scored a hit.
LAERTES
Ah fuck you. Lucky shot.
They prepare to play
OSRIC
Oh yes, I’m familiar with penis fencing.
KING CLAUDIUS
Allright, now let’s do this! Fire the canons and ready the wine. We’ll toast whenever Hamdong scores a point. YES, I AM THE FUCKING KING AND I CAN DRINK AS MUCH AS I WANT.
HAMLET
Come on, let’s fucking go.
LAERTES
HEY HAMDONG, GET READY TO GET FUCKED.
They play
HAMLET
Hah! One point for Hamdong!
LAERTES
No way, fuck that!
HAMLET
Judges?
OSRIC
Hamdong scored a hit.
LAERTES
Ah fuck you. Lucky shot.
Again!
KING CLAUDIUS
Hold up, we need to get our drink on. Hamdong, here’s to you, toast with me.
Trumpets sound, and cannon shot off within
Hamdong, c'mon, drink.
HAMLET
Uh, thanks but I’m going to hold off on the wine until I finish swordfighting. Maybe if you had a cool refreshing Zima, though.
Game on!
They play
Got you again!
LAERTES
Fine, you got me. Throw a fuckin party why don’t you.
KING CLAUDIUS
Shit, I think Hamdong may actually win this one.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Our little fatty’s done good. Here Hamdong, towel yourself off, you’re sweating like a pig. But to your success, I toast to you!
HAMLET
Cheers mom!
KING CLAUDIUS
Wait! Gertrude, don’t drink that wine!
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Um, excuse me? I’m the queen and if I want to toast some wine to my son’s sword fighting then that’s what I’m going to do. Now excuse me as I guzzle this booze.
KING CLAUDIUS
[Aside] God damn it, that was the poisoned wine. If only Hamdong drank it instead of Gertrude this WHOLE TRAGEDY could have been literally avoided.
HAMLET
I’m still going to hold off on the wine for now. Afterwards though I’ll funnel the shit out of some Carlos Rossi, though, I swear.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
A tour de Franzia perhaps?
LAERTES
Hey King, how about I stab his guts out now, while he’s chatting up his fuggin mom?
KING CLAUDIUS
Um, it’s going to be hard to make that look like an accident if you do that.
LAERTES
[Aside] Well excuse me for trying to murder a guy, key-rist!
HAMLET
Laertes lets go. I want to finish beating you so I can go get drunk. And I want to get drunk right now!
LAERTES
YEAH, FINE, COME AT BRO.
They play
OSRIC
No hits for either side. Come on bitches, where’s the action?
BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!
LAERTES
Got you that time motherfucker!
LAERTES wounds HAMLET; then in scuffling, they change rapiers, and HAMLET wounds LAERTES
AHHH! NOW YOU’VE GOT THE RAPIER, AND YOU’RE USING IT ON ME!!!!
KING CLAUDIUS
Shit, that wasn’t supposed to happen either. MY FOOL PROOF PLAN'S RUN AFOUL!
HAMLET
It’s fine, just a flesh would. Continue.
QUEEN GERTRUDE falls
OSRIC
Oh shit the queen!
HORATIO
Hamdong is bleeding!
OSRIC
So is Laertes! Shit is really starting to hit the fan now, huh?
Nice.
LAERTES
Well, I’m boned.
HAMLET
Nevermind you, what happened to my mom?
KING CLAUDIUS
Shes fine, she uh, just uh, fainted. Yeah, because of all the blood.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
I didn’t faint you stupid fuck. I was poisoned. The fucking wine! Hamdong, don’t drink the wine it’s fucking poisoned! Caludius you... you... I’m dead.
Dies
HAMLET
What the fuck? Who the fuck poisoned the fucking wine?
LAERTES
Hamdong, calm down and listen. The wine was poisoned and the sword was poisoned too. You’re dead, I’m dead, your mom’s dead. And it’s all the king’s fault. It was his plain. Except his plan was just to kill you. Me and your mom dying is just an accident.
HAMLET
Poisoned? But it was just the tip.
Oh god damn it, this is fucking bullshit. Oh for christsake, I should have done this a long god damn time ago. C’mere literal motherfucker.
Stabs KING CLAUDIUS
All
WHAAAAOOOOOO!
KING CLAUDIUS
You can’t kill a king, you dick! That’s against the rules!
HAMLET
Bah, my only mistake was pussing out and not killing you while you were praying months ago. You’re just a fucking asshole who finally got what’s coming to you. I just wish you would have gotten it sooner.
KING CLAUDIUS
Hold up, we need to get our drink on. Hamdong, here’s to you, toast with me.
Trumpets sound, and cannon shot off within
Hamdong, c'mon, drink.
HAMLET
Uh, thanks but I’m going to hold off on the wine until I finish swordfighting. Maybe if you had a cool refreshing Zima, though.
Game on!
They play
Got you again!
LAERTES
Fine, you got me. Throw a fuckin party why don’t you.
KING CLAUDIUS
Shit, I think Hamdong may actually win this one.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Our little fatty’s done good. Here Hamdong, towel yourself off, you’re sweating like a pig. But to your success, I toast to you!
HAMLET
Cheers mom!
KING CLAUDIUS
Wait! Gertrude, don’t drink that wine!
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Um, excuse me? I’m the queen and if I want to toast some wine to my son’s sword fighting then that’s what I’m going to do. Now excuse me as I guzzle this booze.
KING CLAUDIUS
[Aside] God damn it, that was the poisoned wine. If only Hamdong drank it instead of Gertrude this WHOLE TRAGEDY could have been literally avoided.
HAMLET
I’m still going to hold off on the wine for now. Afterwards though I’ll funnel the shit out of some Carlos Rossi, though, I swear.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
A tour de Franzia perhaps?
LAERTES
Hey King, how about I stab his guts out now, while he’s chatting up his fuggin mom?
KING CLAUDIUS
Um, it’s going to be hard to make that look like an accident if you do that.
LAERTES
[Aside] Well excuse me for trying to murder a guy, key-rist!
HAMLET
Laertes lets go. I want to finish beating you so I can go get drunk. And I want to get drunk right now!
LAERTES
YEAH, FINE, COME AT BRO.
They play
OSRIC
No hits for either side. Come on bitches, where’s the action?
BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!
LAERTES
Got you that time motherfucker!
LAERTES wounds HAMLET; then in scuffling, they change rapiers, and HAMLET wounds LAERTES
AHHH! NOW YOU’VE GOT THE RAPIER, AND YOU’RE USING IT ON ME!!!!
KING CLAUDIUS
Shit, that wasn’t supposed to happen either. MY FOOL PROOF PLAN'S RUN AFOUL!
HAMLET
It’s fine, just a flesh would. Continue.
QUEEN GERTRUDE falls
OSRIC
Oh shit the queen!
HORATIO
Hamdong is bleeding!
OSRIC
So is Laertes! Shit is really starting to hit the fan now, huh?
Nice.
LAERTES
Well, I’m boned.
HAMLET
Nevermind you, what happened to my mom?
KING CLAUDIUS
Shes fine, she uh, just uh, fainted. Yeah, because of all the blood.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
I didn’t faint you stupid fuck. I was poisoned. The fucking wine! Hamdong, don’t drink the wine it’s fucking poisoned! Caludius you... you... I’m dead.
Dies
HAMLET
What the fuck? Who the fuck poisoned the fucking wine?
LAERTES
Hamdong, calm down and listen. The wine was poisoned and the sword was poisoned too. You’re dead, I’m dead, your mom’s dead. And it’s all the king’s fault. It was his plain. Except his plan was just to kill you. Me and your mom dying is just an accident.
HAMLET
Poisoned? But it was just the tip.
Oh god damn it, this is fucking bullshit. Oh for christsake, I should have done this a long god damn time ago. C’mere literal motherfucker.
Stabs KING CLAUDIUS
All
WHAAAAOOOOOO!
KING CLAUDIUS
You can’t kill a king, you dick! That’s against the rules!
HAMLET
Bah, my only mistake was pussing out and not killing you while you were praying months ago. You’re just a fucking asshole who finally got what’s coming to you. I just wish you would have gotten it sooner.
Have fun getting fisted in hell, jerk off.
KING CLAUDIUS dies
LAERTES
Yeah he deserved that. Nice one Hamdong. By the way, seeing as how we’re both about to die any second, will you forgive me so we can be friends again? Even though you killed my dad and then killed me, I did kind of also kill you, so were pretty much even. What do you say, pal, are we coo-
Dies
HAMLET
Yeah, we’re cool dude. Its fine. I pretty much sucked at life anyway. So long Laertes.
And so long asshole queen. And so long pal Horatio. Make sure you tell everyone about me and what a huge fuckin douche bag I was.
HORATIO
Sure thing, pal.
HAMLET
You’re a good man, Horatio. And honestly, I may as well tell you now, I was always a little bit gay for you. Make that 100% all the way gay for you. I love you man, and not in any platonic sense, like how a dude loves another dude because wants to have butt sex with him. That’s how I loved you. Like a homosexual dude who wanted to put his hard penis in your butt hole.
March afar off, and shot within
Hey, whats that noise that sounds like a war is going on?
OSRIC
That dude Fortinbras is leading his army back from conquered Poland. Now he wants to conquer Denmark too.
HAMLET
Your kidding? Talk about timing. Well fuck it, I’m dead anyway, what the fuck do I care?
Well, so long, life!
Dies
HORATIO
So long, fuggin Hamdong, ya fuggin weirdo.
March within
Enter FORTINBRAS, the English Ambassadors, and others
PRINCE FORTINBRAS
All right what’s going on here?
HORATIO
Oh, hey Fortinbras. Whats crappenin?
PRINCE FORTINBRAS
Holy shit, what the fuck have you Danes been doing?
First Ambassador
Killing the dick out of each other by the looks of it.
Oh, also, by the way, Rosencrumbs and Gildenbog are dead, if anyone gives a shit.
HORATIO
No, no one gives a shit about those two feebs. Although Hamdong may have been happy to hear that news, if he too weren’t also dead as hell.
But if you’ve got like, five or six hours to waste, I’ll tell you all about what happened.
PRINCE FORTINBRAS
No, I think I get it. You Danes are all a bunch of stupid assholes and you’ve killed each other. I get it. I don’t fucking care how it happened. In fact, if I were to sit through a six hour reenactment of the last few months or whatever, and it just ended like this, with everybody dead, I would feel more than a little ripped off. Like this would have to be the cheapest, lamest ending after all that build up.
HORATIO
Yeah you’re right. The story of Hamdong totally blows. No one should have be forced to sit through it. Just living through it was a great big fat fucking pointless waste of time.
PRINCE FORTINBRAS
Good, so it’s settled. Now let’s clean up this fucking mess and then never ever again talk about this fucking loser prince Hamdong and his retarded kingdom of Denmark.
A dead march. Exeunt, bearing off the dead bodies; after which a peal of ordnance is shot off.
THE END
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