The Tragedy of Hamdong Act I Scene I

SCENE I. Castle Elsinore. A platform before the castle.

FRANCISCO at his post. Enter to him BERNARDO

BERNARDO
Who's there?

FRANCISCO
You tell me!

BERNARDO
A totally farthammer Denmark yeah!

FRANCISCO
Oh, it’s you, Bernardso.

BERNARDO
That’s right.

FRANCISCO
You snuck up on me.

BERNARDO
I am a sneaky one. Anyway, it’s late, midnight, bedtime for Francis.

FRANCISCO
Yes, it’s also colder than a witch’s titty. Thanks for relieving me by the way.

BERNARDO
Been quiet?

FRANCISCO
Not a peep.

BERNARDO
All right, well, good night. And if you see Horatio and Marcellus, tell them to hurry up and get their lazy asses out here.

FRANCISCO
Will do. Hold on, I think that’s them coming now. Hey!

Enter HORATIO and MARCELLUS

HORATIO
Hello friends.

MARCELLUS
Hello pals.

FRANCISCO
Hello friends and goodbye pals.

MARCELLUS
Leaving so soon? Where’s your replacement?

FRANCISCO
The Nard Dawg’s got me. Later.

Exit

MARCELLUS
What’s up Nardo.

BERNARDO
Sup. Horatio.

HORATIO
Howdy.

BERNARDO
Ah, well, good, everyone's here.

MARCELLUS
So has that fucking ghost showed up again yet?

BERNARDO
I haven’t seen anything.

MARCELLUS
Horatio thinks we’re making up some bullshit, so I said, fuck that, dude, we’ve seen this fuckin ghost twice already. Stay out here with us one night, you don’t believe us.

HORATIO
Excuse me if I don't believe you assholes saw a fuggin ghost..

BERNARDO
Just sit down and let me explain to you what we’ve seen.

HORATIO
Yes, great, please, explain to me how you’ve been twice visited by a ghost

BERNARDO
Ok I will. You see it happened like this: We were here doing our night watch, and then we saw a ghost. Twice. Good story, right?

Enter Ghost

MARCELLUS
And there the motherfucker is right now!

BERNARDO
Fucking A, I told you! And still looking like the dead King I see.

MARCELLUS
Horaceo, you’re the smart guy. Fuckin talk to it!

BERNARDO
Talk to the king looking ghost, Whoratio, ask him what the fuck he wants.

HORATIO
Ho-ly shit.

BERNARDO
No, for real, talk to the ghost.

MARCELLUS
Talk to that fucking dead king ghost, Whoratio. Do it!

HORATIO
Um, hello, ghost. 


So, what the shit are you doing here you fucking ghost of the dead king of fuckin Denmark?!

MARCELLUS
I think you pissed it off.

BERNARDO
Yep, now it’s running away. You hurt the ghost’s feelings, Whorace you dick!

HORATIO
Wait, Ghost! Come back! Speak to us!

Exit Ghost

MARCELLUS
He's gone. You fucked it all up.

BERNARDO
So who made up some bullshit about a ghost now, huh Horatio?

HORATIO
I admit it, I was wrong. That was definitely a ghost we just saw.

MARCELLUS
The ghost of the dead king?

HORATIO
Yup, even wore the same amour of our dead King when he fought and beat that asshole king of Norway.

MARCELLUS
That’s three times now that he’s appeared and vanished before us during our night watch.

HORATIO
Why our dead king’s ghost is haunting his old castle is beyond me, but it probably isn’t a good sign.

MARCELLUS
You think it has anything to do with the fact that everyone in Denmark is preparing for war?

HORATIO
Yeah probably. Our last king, the one who’s ghost we just saw, just battled the King of Norway. The King’s son, our esteemed Prince Hamdong, killed Norway’s King Fortinbras. And so we took all of Norway’s land. Now that dead king’s nephew, also called Fortinbras, is fucking pissed and is recruiting a bunch of worthless jagovs to help him come back to Denmark and fuck all our shit up.

BERNARDO
Yeah so that’s probably it then.

HORATIO
I hope Denmark doesn’t get totally owned like all these foreboding omens suggest it might. This is pretty much exactly what happened to Julius Ceaser and fucking Rome right before it got its shit totally ruined.

Oh shit, here comes that fucking ghost again!

Re-enter Ghost

Hold it right there, ghost! And tell me what the fucking is going on!

A crow caws

Does that mean we’re all going to die? God damn it just tell us what’s going to happen! Hey, Marcy, what are you doing? Stop it!

MARCELLUS
Fuck it, this ghost is asking for a beating.

HORATIO
Seriously?

BERNARDO
Fuck you ghost!


punches ghost
HORATIO
I hope you’re happy now, ghost, god damn it!

MARCELLUS
Its gone!

Exit Ghost

Well that was a wasted effort. I guess we should have known you can’t punch a ghost, seeing as they’re intangible spirits and all.

BERNARDO
I think it was going to say something before those fucking crows interrupted.

HORATIO
Those fucking crows.

MARCELLUS
Actually that was a rooster you dummies. It’s almost morning.

HORATIO
No way can that be true. It was midnight just a few minutes ago. And it’s fucking winter. But I guess that is the fucking sunrise. Shit.

Come on, lets go tell Hamdong that the ghost of his dead father has come back to visit. I’m sure that will go over well.

MARCELLUS
That’s a great fucking idea. Let go do it right now.

Exeunt