SCENE I. A room in POLONIUS' house.
Enter
POLONIUS and REYNALDO
LORD POLONIUS
Give him this money and also this shit here, Rey-Reynaldo.
REYNALDO
You got it, Mr Polobius.
LORD POLONIUS
And just a suggestion, but you’d really be doing yourself a favor if you asked around and got a sense for how he’s doing, before you actually see him face to face.
REYNALDO
Sure, will do, Mr. Polobloblah.
LORD POLONIUS
Yes, fine, just fine.
And, um, also, find out how many other Danish people are in Paris. And find out who those Danish people are hanging out with. And figure out how all these Danes can afford to live in frigging Paris. And see if you can ascertain whether or not these Danes people know my son. But don’t ask them directly, like you were told to find out about him, but instead just say you are acquainted with his father and you know OF him but that you don’t necessarily KNOW him. Are you getting all this, Reynoldinho?
REYNALDO
Got it, sir, no problem.
LORD POLONIUS
And also say that you know him to be a bit of a loose cannon. A wild card. What I mean is, don’t say that you heard he was a child rapist or anything, but say that you heard he likes to party a little, you know, just like any other kid his age. Likes to drink maybe, likes to mix it up. But nothing TOO crazy.
REYNALDO
Likes to gamble a bit, maybe?
LORD POLONIUS
Sure, he’s been known to wager a ducat or two on the ponies; played a hand or three of poker in his day, tossed a midget or twelve into a pool filled with grape jelly, what have you.
REYNALDO
Um, you want me to say your son participates in midget tossing?
LORD POLONIUS
Ok fine, leave out the midget tossing. Just, I don’t know, suggest that he MAY have picked up a little person once before and PERHAPS someone saw him throw the guy across the room and into a tub filled with spreadable fruit preservatives and that ITS POSSIBLE he latter stabbed a few hookers to death.
REYNALDO
Wait, sir, what?
LORD POLONIUS
Oh you know what I mean!
REYNALDO
Er, yes, of course, I’m on top of it, sir.
LORD POLONIUS
All right I will explain again, very explicitly, my plan to you, and it is a rather ingenious plan if I do say so myself. The idea is, you will go around, dropping hints that my son is into organized dog fighting, or some such pastime popular with the youth these days, not that my son is actually into watching dogs rip each other to bloody shreds, but you’re going to suggest that he does indulge in this particular brand of diversion anyway. And then the acquaintances that you make will recognize the name of my son and say, “sure I know the guy”, or the ‘chap’, or ‘fellow’, whatever it is people say. “Dude”, like, “yeah I know this ‘dude’ he is a good ‘dude’. I hang out with this ‘dude’ all the time.”
REYNALDO
No problem, sir.
LORD POLONIUS
And then they’ll be all like, um, well they’ll say, the guys, to my son, well they’ll, uh, wait, what was saying? I’ve lost my train of thought after you interrupted me.
REYNALDO
Apologies, sir. You were about to tell me what to say to the people who are acquainted with that dude, your son.
LORD POLONIUS
Right, the dude my son. So these guys will say, “Sure I know that dude. I just saw that dude walking out of the casino at three in the morning with a bunch of prostitutes. Man if there is one thing that dude loves its gambling and prostitutes. Ok that’s two things, but he loves them both so much, and equally, the gambling and the prostitutes. And the drugs, the drugs are a close third for that dude. And I don’t mind telling you this since obviously you are familiar with him and his midget tossing proclivities.”
Then I’ll know if my son had listened to any of my advices I gave him before he left where I told him to avoid gambling prostitutes and drugs. Do you understand now, my ingenious plan?
REYNALDO
Yes, I absolutely understand, sir.
LORD POLONIUS
Ok great, go carry out my plan then.
REYNALDO
I will, sir.
LORD POLONIUS
Make sure you carry it out exactly as I have explained it.
REYNALDO
I am totally going to do exactly that, sir.
LORD POLONIUS
And don’t forget any part of it, especially the midget tossing.
REYNALDO
I won’t forget the midget tossing, sir.
LORD POLONIUS
Splendid. OK BYE!
Exit REYNALDO
Enter OPHELIA
Oh hello there, Ophelia, how are you?
OPHELIA
I - I don’t know! I’m so afraid!
LORD POLONIUS
Afraid of what, my dear?
OPHELIA
Of Prince Hamdong! I was just in my room, knitting away, as usual, when Hamdong comes in looking all pale and haggard and his clothes were half off and his his hands were trembling. I mean he really looked like shit. And then he starts coming after me-
LORD POLONIUS
With a raging mega huge boner of love?
OPHELIA
I don’t know, I didn’t notice any boners.
LORD POLONIUS
Well what did he say?
OPHELIA
Well first he grabbed me by the wrist, hard, and then kept grabbing up my arm, holding me tightly. And then he just stood there and stared, directly at my face, like a mad man, looking me over, up and down, while shaking my arms with his insane clutches.
Then he just let go and walked right out of the room like nothing happened, but still staring at me the whole time. I think he lost his god damn mind, I am not even joking.
LORD POLONIUS
I’m sure he’s just got a massive hard on for you and is having trouble properly expressing himself. It’s all quite normal for a Prince his age. It’s all very routine. He just really, really, really wants to bone you and it acting like a bit of a spaz. I’ll talk to the King about it but I’m sure everything is fine. Boys will be boys, you know.
By the way, have you been, in any way, leading him on at all this whole time?
OPHELIA
No, I denied his peen access to my virgeen, just like you said to.
LORD POLONIUS
Well that explains it. I just thought he was messing with you. Like, “Oh, look at me, dashing Prince Hamdong, pretending to like little miss loser Ophelia, when really I’m just going to get her interested in me so I can crush her insignificant peasant spirit and violently shatter her hopes and dreams. Oh what a laugh that will be!” But really, actually, he does want to poke you, many times.
Shit, I really blew it. You should have let his peen into your virgeen immediately. Crap! Come on, let’s go find the King, we need to sort this out right away.
Exeunt
LORD POLONIUS
Give him this money and also this shit here, Rey-Reynaldo.
REYNALDO
You got it, Mr Polobius.
LORD POLONIUS
And just a suggestion, but you’d really be doing yourself a favor if you asked around and got a sense for how he’s doing, before you actually see him face to face.
REYNALDO
Sure, will do, Mr. Polobloblah.
LORD POLONIUS
Yes, fine, just fine.
And, um, also, find out how many other Danish people are in Paris. And find out who those Danish people are hanging out with. And figure out how all these Danes can afford to live in frigging Paris. And see if you can ascertain whether or not these Danes people know my son. But don’t ask them directly, like you were told to find out about him, but instead just say you are acquainted with his father and you know OF him but that you don’t necessarily KNOW him. Are you getting all this, Reynoldinho?
REYNALDO
Got it, sir, no problem.
LORD POLONIUS
And also say that you know him to be a bit of a loose cannon. A wild card. What I mean is, don’t say that you heard he was a child rapist or anything, but say that you heard he likes to party a little, you know, just like any other kid his age. Likes to drink maybe, likes to mix it up. But nothing TOO crazy.
REYNALDO
Likes to gamble a bit, maybe?
LORD POLONIUS
Sure, he’s been known to wager a ducat or two on the ponies; played a hand or three of poker in his day, tossed a midget or twelve into a pool filled with grape jelly, what have you.
REYNALDO
Um, you want me to say your son participates in midget tossing?
LORD POLONIUS
Ok fine, leave out the midget tossing. Just, I don’t know, suggest that he MAY have picked up a little person once before and PERHAPS someone saw him throw the guy across the room and into a tub filled with spreadable fruit preservatives and that ITS POSSIBLE he latter stabbed a few hookers to death.
REYNALDO
Wait, sir, what?
LORD POLONIUS
Oh you know what I mean!
REYNALDO
Er, yes, of course, I’m on top of it, sir.
LORD POLONIUS
All right I will explain again, very explicitly, my plan to you, and it is a rather ingenious plan if I do say so myself. The idea is, you will go around, dropping hints that my son is into organized dog fighting, or some such pastime popular with the youth these days, not that my son is actually into watching dogs rip each other to bloody shreds, but you’re going to suggest that he does indulge in this particular brand of diversion anyway. And then the acquaintances that you make will recognize the name of my son and say, “sure I know the guy”, or the ‘chap’, or ‘fellow’, whatever it is people say. “Dude”, like, “yeah I know this ‘dude’ he is a good ‘dude’. I hang out with this ‘dude’ all the time.”
REYNALDO
No problem, sir.
LORD POLONIUS
And then they’ll be all like, um, well they’ll say, the guys, to my son, well they’ll, uh, wait, what was saying? I’ve lost my train of thought after you interrupted me.
REYNALDO
Apologies, sir. You were about to tell me what to say to the people who are acquainted with that dude, your son.
LORD POLONIUS
Right, the dude my son. So these guys will say, “Sure I know that dude. I just saw that dude walking out of the casino at three in the morning with a bunch of prostitutes. Man if there is one thing that dude loves its gambling and prostitutes. Ok that’s two things, but he loves them both so much, and equally, the gambling and the prostitutes. And the drugs, the drugs are a close third for that dude. And I don’t mind telling you this since obviously you are familiar with him and his midget tossing proclivities.”
Then I’ll know if my son had listened to any of my advices I gave him before he left where I told him to avoid gambling prostitutes and drugs. Do you understand now, my ingenious plan?
REYNALDO
Yes, I absolutely understand, sir.
LORD POLONIUS
Ok great, go carry out my plan then.
REYNALDO
I will, sir.
LORD POLONIUS
Make sure you carry it out exactly as I have explained it.
REYNALDO
I am totally going to do exactly that, sir.
LORD POLONIUS
And don’t forget any part of it, especially the midget tossing.
REYNALDO
I won’t forget the midget tossing, sir.
LORD POLONIUS
Splendid. OK BYE!
Exit REYNALDO
Enter OPHELIA
Oh hello there, Ophelia, how are you?
OPHELIA
I - I don’t know! I’m so afraid!
LORD POLONIUS
Afraid of what, my dear?
OPHELIA
Of Prince Hamdong! I was just in my room, knitting away, as usual, when Hamdong comes in looking all pale and haggard and his clothes were half off and his his hands were trembling. I mean he really looked like shit. And then he starts coming after me-
LORD POLONIUS
With a raging mega huge boner of love?
OPHELIA
I don’t know, I didn’t notice any boners.
LORD POLONIUS
Well what did he say?
OPHELIA
Well first he grabbed me by the wrist, hard, and then kept grabbing up my arm, holding me tightly. And then he just stood there and stared, directly at my face, like a mad man, looking me over, up and down, while shaking my arms with his insane clutches.
Then he just let go and walked right out of the room like nothing happened, but still staring at me the whole time. I think he lost his god damn mind, I am not even joking.
LORD POLONIUS
I’m sure he’s just got a massive hard on for you and is having trouble properly expressing himself. It’s all quite normal for a Prince his age. It’s all very routine. He just really, really, really wants to bone you and it acting like a bit of a spaz. I’ll talk to the King about it but I’m sure everything is fine. Boys will be boys, you know.
By the way, have you been, in any way, leading him on at all this whole time?
OPHELIA
No, I denied his peen access to my virgeen, just like you said to.
LORD POLONIUS
Well that explains it. I just thought he was messing with you. Like, “Oh, look at me, dashing Prince Hamdong, pretending to like little miss loser Ophelia, when really I’m just going to get her interested in me so I can crush her insignificant peasant spirit and violently shatter her hopes and dreams. Oh what a laugh that will be!” But really, actually, he does want to poke you, many times.
Shit, I really blew it. You should have let his peen into your virgeen immediately. Crap! Come on, let’s go find the King, we need to sort this out right away.
Exeunt
No comments:
Post a Comment