SCENE III. A room in the castle.
KING CLAUDIUS
So it’s clear we need to get this lunatic out of Denmark, right? We can’t have him fucking up our kingdom. I need you two to get this maniac to England, immediately. Considers that an order.
GUILDENSTERN
We live only to serve king and country, your majesty.
ROSENCRANTZ
While simple folk are content to nurse a solitary cocktail, unconcerned where their compatriots derive their buzz, a king is like a single keg at crowded party. When his contents are tapped, a great multitude are bummed in unison.
KING CLAUDIUS
Whatever the fuck that means. Now, please, hurry up and get rid of this madman on the loose.
ROSENCRANTZ GUILDENSTERN
Once we unlatch our lips from your arse hole we’ll be on our way.
Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN
Enter POLONIUS
LORD POLONIUS
Your majesty, just so you know, I’m going to go hide behind some curtains and listen in on the conversation Hamdong has with his mother. I know I’m always suggesting that I hide behind curtains and spy on people but I swear it has nothing to do with me masturbating while I do so. Honestly.
KING CLAUDIUS
I don’t give a fuck. Just do it and tell me what you hear.
Exit POLONIUS
Oooooooh, man I fucked up. I killed my brother. My own fucking brother.
Is it even possible to seeks god’s forgiveness for such a terrible offense? Do I have to give up my crown and my brother’s wife gain forgiveness? I mean, I’m not going to, no way jose am I giving up that hot piece of ass. But what the hell. Can’t hurt to ask, right?
Dear God or maybe Jesus if he’s the one who handles this sort of thing, I will now get on my knees and start praying for forgiveness, hope you’re listening.
OK here I go.
Retires and kneels
Enter HAMDONG
HAMDONG
Now to kill my asshole uncle!
Aw, hey he’s praying. No fair! I don’t want to exact revenge, only to send his soul to heaven because he was praying when I killed him.
THAT’S BULLSHIT.
Whatever, I’ll just wait until he’s up to some shit and kill him then. I mean what could go wrong by delaying things a little bit? No big deal, I’m just going to wait. It’s what my dead dad’s ghost would have wanted.
Exit
KING CLAUDIUS
[Rising] So thanks for being on my side God and Jesus. Catch you later. Amen.
No fuckin way that worked.
Shit.
Exit
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