SCENE II. A room in the castle.
Enter
KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and Attendants
KING CLAUDIUS
Ah, welcome misters Rosenpantz and Guildaberg! We’ve missed you so very much and we’re so glad you could make it here on such short notice. You’ve no doubt heard by now that Hamdong is feeling a little bit under the weather these days, and by under the weather I mean nuttier than frog shit. Some sort of illness, the origin of which we cannot ascertain, has grabbed hold of Hamdong and quite literally transformed him into an unrecognizable wackjob. Since this can’t possibly having anything to do with the fact that his father died under murky circumstances a scant two months ago and already his uncle has married his freshly widowed mother and assumed the still warm throne of his deceased father, we have enlisted you two old friends of his to glean the true cause of his vexing delirium, so that we may discovery the remedy and apply it forthwith.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamdong does speak ever so highly of you two, and you will be handsomely rewarded for assisting us in deducing the root of our Hamdong’s affliction.
ROSENCRANTZ
Naturally.
GUILDENSTERN
It would be our pleasure your highnesses.
KING CLAUDIUS
Awesome. Thanks Rosencramps and Gildobon.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Yes, thank you Guildoman and Rosenbong. No go see that goofball son of mine and find out what the hell is going on.
GUILDENSTERN
We’ll certainly do out best!
QUEEN GERTRUDE
You fuckin better.
Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and some Attendants
Enter POLONIUS
LORD POLONIUS
The ambassadors from Norway have returned, your kinglyness.
KING CLAUDIUS
Thank you, Polobios. As always you are the consummate professional.
LORD POLONIUS
Am I, sir? I assure you that I strive to comport myself as a professional of the most consummanualness. And in my consummate professional way I believe I just may have unearthed the cause of Hamdong’s lunacy.
KING CLAUDIUS
Oh, well, please, do go on.
LORD POLONIUS
I shall, but first let the news of the ambassadors be the main course and allow my news be a dessert for your ears to feast on lastly.
KING CLAUDIUS
Ok whatever, Polonium, bring in the ambassadors then.
Exit POLONIUS
Gertrude, Polonia tells me he has discovered the source of Hamdong’s distemper.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Yes I was I right here, Caludius, I heard the whole thing. Though I’m sure he’ll tell you it’s because his dad died and his mom remarried too quickly.
KING CLAUDIUS
Well, we’ll see.
Re-enter POLONIUS, with VOLTIMAND and CORNELIUS
Ah, welcome, my good friends! Voltimand, how’d things go with the fuggin King of Norway?
VOLTIMAND
Really good, really fuggin good King Claudius. As soon as we brought up this issue of his nephew, Fortinbras, the King of Norway had him arrested and told him to stop raising an army to attack Denmark. Forteenbras agreed, and now instead Fortinbras is going to take his army men and attack Poland, and the King of Norway is going to pay him three thousand gold pieces. Here is a piece of paper with everything I just said, signed, witnessed and notarized.
Giving a paper
You also have to promise to let Fourteenbras and his troops through your land so he can attack the dirty Polack scum.
KING CLAUDIUS
Ah yes, thats all fine just fine. Heckuva job, Volti! Now go kick back with a couple of ice colds and tonight we’ll feast it up royally.
Exeunt VOLTIMAND and CORNELIUS
LORD POLONIUS
Nice work handling business, your Kinglington. Now, on to my business. Lets say I wanted to waste both of your time. I don’t of course, but lets, for example, say that I was some tedious bureaucrat in love with the sound of his own voice and would go on and on discussing all manner of superfluous topics before finally arriving at the important part of the conversation. The part that you actually care about, rather than all the excess and extraneous gristle yet uncut from the steak. The delicious steak that you so badly want to tear into but can’t yet because it’s surrounded by fat and gristle and other unsavory bits that you’ve no appetite for. And worse, let’s say I were to repeat myself and forget what I was talking about and circle back to ground already covered in conversation. If that were an apt description of myself then that would make me pretty useless, both to you as a friend and as a servant of the crown. But I am far to aware of how annoying that would be to you so I will skip all that, because, as they say, brevity is the soul of wit. Now without any such preamble I deliver unto you the steak of our concerns, fully trimmed and seasoned to perfection.
Hamdong is bonkers.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Polonius, please: more gist, less grist.
LORD POLONIUS
Please, your majesticness, I am not some turkey who peppers his conversation with outlandish food metaphors when the heart of the artichoke is the gravyest of concerns. Lettuce continue to eggsactly the point, so that you may ketchup with currant events.
Perhaps this letter received by my daughter from your son will makes things clear as Crystal Pepsi.
Reads
'To the celestial and my soul's idol, the most
beautified Ophelia,'--
Ok well that’s retarded. He obviously means beautiful and not beautified, but anyway that’s what he wrote. He continues:
Reads
'With her awesome rocking tits, her excellent, milky white tatters, her heaving bosom, her bodacious, perky sweater kittens, etc etc.'
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamdong wrote this?
LORD POLONIUS
Hold on I’m not done.
Reads
'Doubt that the stars are fire;
Doubt that Soul Asylum’s best song is “Somebody to Shove”;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt that I want to put it in you and call it love.
'Oh Ophelia, I am not so good at this poetry stuff, but check this out, I am getting fully erect just thinking about you. Believe it baby.
Love,
Your Hammykins'
I swear to god that my daughter got this and other letters like it from your son.
KING CLAUDIUS
Well, so? How did Ophelia respond to the letters? Did she give it up, her pussy?
LORD POLONIUS
First, tell me what do you think of me?
KING CLAUDIUS
I dunno, you’re a fuggin guy. Whatever.
LORD POLONIUS
I am a fuggin guy. A guy who knows his station in life, and is content with it. And also knows where his daughter’s place in the world is. And knows the daughter of a bureaucrat and the son of a king don’t often connect for long and fruitful relationships. So before I even knew of any of these letters I went to Ophelia and I said to her, “Ophelia,” I says, “Hamdong is a Prince, and you are shit. Peddle your pussy elsewhere, my dear, you’ll find no romance in his royal pants.”
But you see, I didn’t know Hamdong popped boners over my daughter. I only thought Ophelia had royal peen on the brain. I wanted to disabuse her of girlish notions.
So of course Hamdong got blue balls, which then enveloped him in an all encompassing pussy fog and drove him totally insane. Insane in his membrane.
So... my bad.
KING CLAUDIUS
You think this could be it?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Sure sounds like our Hamdong.
LORD POLONIUS
Have I ever lied to you before?
KING CLAUDIUS
Not that I know of.
LORD POLONIUS
[Pointing to his neck]
You can chop off my fuggin head if I am wrong.
KING CLAUDIUS
How can we be sure?
LORD POLONIUS
I’ve seen him walking around the lobby, alone, for hours at a time.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Yes that’s right.
LORD POLONIUS
Next time he does so I’ll send Ophelia out to greet him while we hide behind some shit and observe him. And if Hamdong doesn’t pop a stiff plank as the sight of my ripe, nubile daughter and her sweet sweet ta-tas, I’ll resign on the spot and hand over all my treasure to you.
KING CLAUDIUS
OK, sounds good.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Look, there goes my poor depressed son now, reading some fuggin book.
LORD POLONIUS
Quickly, you guys hide and I’ll go talk to him.
Exeunt KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, and Attendants
Enter HAMDONG, reading
Oh hey there, Hamdong, hows it hanging?
HAMDONG
Jump Around Jesus Christ on the Kriss Kross!
LORD POLONIUS
Hamdong, do you recognize me?
HAMDONG
Course I do. You’re that fuggin guy, the fuggin fishmonger.
LORD POLONIUS
Um, nooooo.
HAMDONG
Well I wish you were a fishmonger.
LORD POLONIUS
Seriously?
HAMDONG
Yes, I love fish. All men crave fish, but few men truly enjoy it.
LORD POLONIUS
That's very true, my lord.
HAMDONG
For if the sun causes maggots to sprout in the rotting carcass of a dog, then road kill is itself sunkist - say that reminds me, do you have a daughter?
LORD POLONIUS
I have, my lord.
HAMDONG
Then keep her out of the sun. You may want her to get pregnant one day but you probably don’t want her pregnant with heaps of squirming maggots, do you?
LORD POLONIUS
[Aside] See? Can’t shut up about my daughter and her sexy belly full of insect larvae can he? Obviously he is crazy too. Crazy in love, just as I once was in the days of my youth. Lets see what other retarded shit he’ll say next.
SO WHAT ARE YOU READING MY LORD?
HAMDONG
Words!
LORD POLONIUS
And what do these words say, my lord?
HAMDONG
Nothing, they’re just ink on paper silly, they can’t talk.
LORD POLONIUS
I mean, what do they say when you read those words, my lord.
HAMDONG
Just your typical bullshit. For instance, this wag happens to think that all old men have loose skin and old balls and smell like dirt and are generally terrifying to be around. And of course its all true, but it’s rude to point such things out, especially since you’re a disgusting old man yourself. If only you could turn back time, like Cher.
LORD POLONIUS
[Aside] Holy shit this guy is nuts. Nuts like a fox!
Um, my lord, would you like to step outside?
HAMDONG
And into my grave.
LORD POLONIUS
I guess if you want, it would be out there if it’s anywhere.
Aside
Its pretty funny when he pauses before answering because I just imagine the broken gears in his head trying to crank out something reasonable, but all that spits out is his loony babbling. I should probably go get my daughter to talk to him now.
Ok well I’m taking off, so long my lord.
HAMDONG
I wish I could so long my life.
LORD POLONIUS
Um, bye?
HAMDONG
BYE!
Oh boy, more assholes for the suckfest!
Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN
LORD POLONIUS
Hello and goodbye you two.
ROSENCRANTZ
[To POLONIUS] BYE BYE!
Exit POLONIUS
GUILDENSTERN
Well if it isn’t my favorite fuggin prince!
ROSENCRANTZ
Best fuggin prince in the whole god damn world!
HAMDONG
Ah, Guildahststern. Ah, Rosahcrantz. How are you two motherfuckers?
ROSENCRANTZ
Oh, we’re getting by.
GUILDENSTERN
Same shit different day, you know.
HAMDONG
So not on top of the world nor at the bottom?
ROSENCRANTZ
That’s correct, my lord.
HAMDONG
So you’re right here in the middle?
Points to crotch.
GUILDENSTERN
Hah, yeah right here.
Pretends to be holding either side of a super large, massively thick boner. Swings hips from side to side.
HAMDONG
Haha, yeah! Ayeeeeeeeeeeee!
Mimics crotch swinging. Abruptly stops.
Seriously, whats new?
ROSENCRANTZ
Nothing at all. The world is a boring, predictable place.
HAMDONG
Yeah, fuck the world, for all it’s worth. Fuck every inch of planet Earth.
But I mean specifically what are you doing here? Why are you here, in this prison?
GUILDENSTERN
What prison?
HAMDONG
Denmark is a prison.
ROSENCRANTZ
Well then everywhere else is a prison too.
HAMDONG
Correct, everywhere else is a prison, too. But Denmark is by the far the world’s shittiest prison.
ROSENCRANTZ
Oh it’s not that bad.
HAMDONG
Fuck you it is so. Denmark is a god damn prison and I am a god damn prisoner.
ROSENCRANTZ
You mean like a mental prison? Like it’s keeping you from emancipating yourself from mental slavery? Like a metaphor?
HAMDONG
Let me put it this way, you could lock me up in a fucking dungeon and I’d be fine with it if weren’t the fact that I’d go insane.
GUILDENSTERN
So he’s right, it was a metaphor.
HAMDONG
And yet, dreams are but a shadow.
ROSENCRANTZ
Whatever, Hamdong, you’re bored, we get it.
HAMDONG
And so a homeless bum’s shadow is a king, since that shadow is by the transitive property the physical embodiment of a king’s greatest hopes and desires? THEN A KING IS THEORETICALLY LOWLIER THAN A BUM! HOLY SHIT I JUST BLEW MY OWN MIND!
Come on, lets go to king’s court and tell everyone about my awesome metaphor.
ROSENCRANTZ GUILDENSTERN
No, that’s OK Hamdong. You go ahead and do that, we’ll wait here.
HAMDONG
No way, come on! Don’t be bitches. We’re pals! We can talk to each other and hang out together like normal people.
So really, PALS, why are you at Castle Elsinore?
ROSENCRANTZ
We told you, just to see you. Nothing else but a friendly visit. No ulterior motives whatsoever.
HAMDONG
Well aren’t I a lucky guy. To have such friends. Who show up without being invited. NOW. RIGHT AFTER MY DAD DIED AND MY UNCLE IMMEDIATELY MARRIED MY MOM.
You REALLY just HAPPENED to show up NOW, of all times? WITH NO OTHER REASON TO BE HERE BUT TO HANG OUT? NO OTHER IMPETUS BUT YOUR FUCKING WHIM?
GUILDENSTERN
Jesus, what do you want us to say, man?
HAMDONG
For starters you can admit that the king and queen sent for you and that is why you’re here.
ROSENCRANTZ
And why would they do that?
HAMDONG
I dunno, YOU TELL ME.
ROSENCRANTZ
[Aside to GUILDENSTERN] Um, what do we do now?
HAMDONG
[Aside] Assholes.
GUILDENSTERN
My lord, we were sent for.
HAMDONG
THATS RIGHT. And now I’ll tell you why, so you don’t have to worry about betraying your loyalty to the king and queen.
Lately, I’ve been a real Debbie Downer. I’ve lost my mirth and forgone all leisure. Where you see a sidewalk, I see a stale and rotting gangplank. Where you see the majestic canopy of the air above and the night sky studded with brilliant freckles of light, I see nothing but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors.
AND ITS BECAUSE ALL PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES! People, the acme of evolution, the pinnacle of the food chain, an animal more advanced than any to ever walk, slither or swim the earth, and what do we do with our infinite wisdom and limitless talents? Make 2 and a Half Men the highest rated show in the America.
People are fucking stupid. Fuck people.
ROSENCRANTZ
Holy shit you really are a Debbie Downer.
HAMDONG
Is it because you think I am a homosexual?
ROSENCRANTZ
No, no that has nothing to do with it. Listen, I saw that the circus was coming here. Maybe that will cheer you up. You still like the circus, don’t you?
HAMDONG
Oh great, the circus. Yes I love clowns. Who doesn’t love clowns? Clowns are awesome, I can’t wait to see these fucking clowns. So whats the name this clown circus anyway?
ROSENCRANTZ
They are the Circus Clowns of the City.
HAMDONG
Those guys? Why are they traveling? I thought they made more money staying in the City.
ROSENCRANTZ
Well I think they travel because they have to.
HAMDONG
So they suck now?
ROSENCRANTZ
Thats pretty much whatever everyone thinks.
HAMDONG
So do they actually suck, or are the people who think they suck actually the ones who do the sucking?
ROSENCRANTZ
Its the people. They suck. Especially the young ones. They’re all into shitty movies like Transformers and Transformers 2 and even Transformers 3, with each installment shittier than the last.
HAMDONG
I also blame the actors. The writers are the smart ones. Everyone knows actors are total morons and if you ignore the writers because you spend all your money on popular actors you get stuck with shitty movies. What you need are writers clever enough to include meta commentary about the movie industry and subtly slip it into the movies so that it flows naturally and no one notices that the awesome movie your watching is a personal commentary by the writer about how shitty the movie industry is. Theoretically you could do the same thing with theater and plays. But who goes to see fuggin plays anymore?
ROSENCRANTZ
Anyway, as far as I can tell, old people like the circus and young people like shitty movie and often both sides fight each other.
HAMDONG
Seriously?
GUILDENSTERN
I dunno, something like that anyway.
HAMDONG
Who wins, the old or young people?
ROSENCRANTZ
The young people.
HAMDONG
I guess that makes sense. Each generation complains about the younger generations as they get older. Like Roger Hornsby says, THAT’S JUST THE WAY IT IS.
Flourish of trumpets within
GUILDENSTERN
The circus is hear already.
HAMDONG
Great. Well, anyway, welcome to my home. I’ll keep this bullshit charade going as long as I have to.
GUILDENSTERN
What do you mean by that?
HAMDONG
I MEAN I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, DINGUS.
Enter POLONIUS
LORD POLONIUS
Oh hey fellas!
HAMDONG
Check out this fuggin guy.
ROSENCRANTZ
He’s an old geezer all right.
HAMDONG
I bet he’s here to tell me about the fuggin circus.
HELLO OLD MAN.
LORD POLONIUS
My lord, I have news for you.
HAMDONG
And I’ve got news for you. Sonny and Cher’s daughter is now a man!
LORD POLONIUS
...The circus is here, my lord!
HAMDONG
Blah blah blah.
LORD POLONIUS
It is my honor to introduce-
HAMDONG
‘The biggest douchebags in the universe’-
LORD POLONIUS
The best actors in the world, either for tragedy, comedy, history, pastoral, pastoral-comical, historical-pastoral, tragical-historical, tragical-comical-historical-pastoral, and any other combination you can think of, these guys are the best. From ancient Greece to Grease 2: Electric Boogaloo, these clowns do it all.
HAMDONG
Oh Billy Ray Cyrus, what a treasure hadst thou!
LORD POLONIUS
What a treasure had he, my lord?
HAMDONG
A smoking hot babe of a daughter which he loved so much he thrust her into the magical world of Hollywood at a prepubescent age so that no harm could have come to her. Duh.
LORD POLONIUS
[Aside] Obviously he means my daughter and her bitchin rack.
HAMDONG
Am I right or am I right, old man Billy Ray Cyrus?
LORD POLONIUS
If thats what you want to call me, sure, I have a daughter, whom I love with all my heart. My achy steaky heart.
HAMDONG
No, thats not how it goes.
LORD POLONIUS
How does it go then, my lord?
HAMDONG
Ah DUH! Don’t tell my heart, my ACHY BREAK HEART - I JUST DON’T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND!
Oh look, here comes the fuggin circus.
Enter four or five Players
Ah, welcome clowns. I haven’t seen you in forever. In fact, you, fuggin this guy, you hadn’t even gone through puberty last time I saw you. Voice was still all crackin and shit. Fuck, it’s been a long fuckin time, hasn’t it? But you all look good. You look good. Come on, give a little speech. Let’s here a little speechification.
First Player
What speech, my lord?
HAMDONG
The one from that movie from way back when. The good one that none of the dumbasses could understand because it didn’t have pirates, or ghosts or fuckin Johnny Depp in stupid fuckin make up in it or some shit. It had Jay and Silent Bob in it and Jay was explaining to Silent Bob about how much he loved women. Let me see, it went like:
‘Yeah, Silent Bob, you’re a rude motherfucker, you know that? But you’re cute as hell. I could go down on you, suck you, line up three other guys, make like a circus seal.
Mimics sucking off three guys.
Ew! you fucking faggot! I hate guys. I LOVE WOMEN!’
LORD POLONIUS
Very good job your highness. You truly are a master thespian.
First Player
ACTING!
LORD POLONIUS
ACTING!
HAMDONG
Haha, thank you. Thank goodness I didn’t do some severely long Greek story that no one gives a shit about.
Now you do one, clown.
First Player
“Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.’'
HAMDONG
‘Happy Scrappy’?
LORD POLONIUS
Oh yes, it’s a good one, let him finish.
First Player
He loves it, obviously.
‘Uh, yeah, uh. This is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352, I’d like to place an order. Okay I need one each of the following tapes: Whispers in the Wind, To Each His Own, Put It Where It Doesn’t Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All Tit-Fucking Volume 8, I Need Your Cock, Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers, My Cunt and Eight Shafts, Cum Clean, Cum Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns III, Cumming in Socks, Cum On Eileen, Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum, Girls who Crave Cock, Girls who Crave Cunt, Men Alone II: The KY Connection, Punk Pussy Lips, oh, yeah, and uh, All Holes Filled with Hard Cock. Yup. Oh, wait a minute. Uh, what was that called again?
LORD POLONIUS
A true work of art. A masterpiece. You’ve caused Prince Hamdong to cry.
HAMDONG
Oh, yes, Polonius, you noticed my tears. But don’t think that it is because I was moved by this performance, for you see, it was merely.... ACTING!
Now, Polblahblahblum, take care of our circus clowns. Make sure they have everything they need. Lord knows the last thing we need is a castle full of pissed off circus clowns.
LORD POLONIUS
My lord, I will feed them desert.
HAMDONG
You’ll fucking do more than just give them desert, god damn it. You’ll give them soups, and appetizers, and chicken fingers, and plenty of bread to go around, and an assortment of jellies for those bread, enough jelly so that they can each have some of every kind of available. Come on man, don’t make me think of everything.
LORD POLONIUS
Yes your high highness, I’m on top of it, my lord. Come with me, clowns.
HAMDONG
Go with him my friends, the clowns. And tomorrow... MASTER THESPIANISMS!
Exit POLONIUS with all the Players but the First
Hey, clown, do you guys do Boyz N tha Hood?
First Player
Of course, my lord.
HAMDONG
Good, you’ll preform it tomorrow night. And also, because I am the fuggin Prince, I’m going to write an extra scene myself that you’ll include as well. Okay?
First Player
Of course, my lord.
HAMDONG
Great, very good, grand, wonderful. Now go with that fuggin old guy and watch you don’t trip on his old balls and loose skin.
Exit First Player
Ok, Rosencrams and Guildoberg, you too. Get out.
ROSENCRANTZ
Good night, my lord!
HAMDONG
Yes, good night.
Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN
I think I’m alone now. There doesn’t seem to be anyone around.
Ah fuck my cock! God damn that actor did an amazing job pretending to be Randall from the movie Clerks. Very impressive, especially the way he had all those lines memorized. Thats a lot of lines to memorize.
But shit man, what about my fucking parents. Or my STEP parents, I should say. I forgot about them. Fuck them. Making me look like a coward. Like some chump, who just sits there while his dad gets murdered and does nothing about it even though the ghost of his dad commands him to extract vengeance. But no, I just sit here, like a goon, laughing at some asshole doing bits from some 20 year old movie.
It’s probably because I’m a pussy. A giant, weepy, gaping fucking hatchet wound, who would rather sit on his whiny ass and piss and moan than get up and actually fucking do something about station in life. A stupid fuck who can neither shit, nor get off the god damn pot.
Wait, didn’t Dante from Clerks have a similar problem? And didn’t he learn his lesson and figure everything out? Oh no, wait, that ended with his current girlfriend dumping him and his ex-girlfriend fucking a dead guy. But whatever, the fact that a movie caused me to feel emotion gives me an idea!
That scene I was going to have that clown insert into his performance of Boyz N tha Hood WAS going to be a scene where all the Boyz N tha Hood gather around a campfire, eat beans and fart. But fuck that. Instead of that, I’m going add a scene were some dude kills his brother and marries his wife, and then the dude’s nephew gets revenge and kills the dude!
That way, if my real uncle gets uncomfortable watching and actor do what I SUSPECT he did IN REAL LIFE then I’ll know FOR SURE that he murdered my dad and I don’t have to just rely on that GHOST I met earlier. I mean, I pretty much believe the ghost anyway, but, you know, it’s always good to make sure of these things.
WOW, WHAT A SWEET, FOOLPROOF PLAN. IT LITERALLY CAN NOT FAIL.
I’m so glad I talked all this through out loud to myself. Man I can’t wait for tomorrow.
Exit
KING CLAUDIUS
Ah, welcome misters Rosenpantz and Guildaberg! We’ve missed you so very much and we’re so glad you could make it here on such short notice. You’ve no doubt heard by now that Hamdong is feeling a little bit under the weather these days, and by under the weather I mean nuttier than frog shit. Some sort of illness, the origin of which we cannot ascertain, has grabbed hold of Hamdong and quite literally transformed him into an unrecognizable wackjob. Since this can’t possibly having anything to do with the fact that his father died under murky circumstances a scant two months ago and already his uncle has married his freshly widowed mother and assumed the still warm throne of his deceased father, we have enlisted you two old friends of his to glean the true cause of his vexing delirium, so that we may discovery the remedy and apply it forthwith.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamdong does speak ever so highly of you two, and you will be handsomely rewarded for assisting us in deducing the root of our Hamdong’s affliction.
ROSENCRANTZ
Naturally.
GUILDENSTERN
It would be our pleasure your highnesses.
KING CLAUDIUS
Awesome. Thanks Rosencramps and Gildobon.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Yes, thank you Guildoman and Rosenbong. No go see that goofball son of mine and find out what the hell is going on.
GUILDENSTERN
We’ll certainly do out best!
QUEEN GERTRUDE
You fuckin better.
Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and some Attendants
Enter POLONIUS
LORD POLONIUS
The ambassadors from Norway have returned, your kinglyness.
KING CLAUDIUS
Thank you, Polobios. As always you are the consummate professional.
LORD POLONIUS
Am I, sir? I assure you that I strive to comport myself as a professional of the most consummanualness. And in my consummate professional way I believe I just may have unearthed the cause of Hamdong’s lunacy.
KING CLAUDIUS
Oh, well, please, do go on.
LORD POLONIUS
I shall, but first let the news of the ambassadors be the main course and allow my news be a dessert for your ears to feast on lastly.
KING CLAUDIUS
Ok whatever, Polonium, bring in the ambassadors then.
Exit POLONIUS
Gertrude, Polonia tells me he has discovered the source of Hamdong’s distemper.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Yes I was I right here, Caludius, I heard the whole thing. Though I’m sure he’ll tell you it’s because his dad died and his mom remarried too quickly.
KING CLAUDIUS
Well, we’ll see.
Re-enter POLONIUS, with VOLTIMAND and CORNELIUS
Ah, welcome, my good friends! Voltimand, how’d things go with the fuggin King of Norway?
VOLTIMAND
Really good, really fuggin good King Claudius. As soon as we brought up this issue of his nephew, Fortinbras, the King of Norway had him arrested and told him to stop raising an army to attack Denmark. Forteenbras agreed, and now instead Fortinbras is going to take his army men and attack Poland, and the King of Norway is going to pay him three thousand gold pieces. Here is a piece of paper with everything I just said, signed, witnessed and notarized.
Giving a paper
You also have to promise to let Fourteenbras and his troops through your land so he can attack the dirty Polack scum.
KING CLAUDIUS
Ah yes, thats all fine just fine. Heckuva job, Volti! Now go kick back with a couple of ice colds and tonight we’ll feast it up royally.
Exeunt VOLTIMAND and CORNELIUS
LORD POLONIUS
Nice work handling business, your Kinglington. Now, on to my business. Lets say I wanted to waste both of your time. I don’t of course, but lets, for example, say that I was some tedious bureaucrat in love with the sound of his own voice and would go on and on discussing all manner of superfluous topics before finally arriving at the important part of the conversation. The part that you actually care about, rather than all the excess and extraneous gristle yet uncut from the steak. The delicious steak that you so badly want to tear into but can’t yet because it’s surrounded by fat and gristle and other unsavory bits that you’ve no appetite for. And worse, let’s say I were to repeat myself and forget what I was talking about and circle back to ground already covered in conversation. If that were an apt description of myself then that would make me pretty useless, both to you as a friend and as a servant of the crown. But I am far to aware of how annoying that would be to you so I will skip all that, because, as they say, brevity is the soul of wit. Now without any such preamble I deliver unto you the steak of our concerns, fully trimmed and seasoned to perfection.
Hamdong is bonkers.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Polonius, please: more gist, less grist.
LORD POLONIUS
Please, your majesticness, I am not some turkey who peppers his conversation with outlandish food metaphors when the heart of the artichoke is the gravyest of concerns. Lettuce continue to eggsactly the point, so that you may ketchup with currant events.
Perhaps this letter received by my daughter from your son will makes things clear as Crystal Pepsi.
Reads
'To the celestial and my soul's idol, the most
beautified Ophelia,'--
Ok well that’s retarded. He obviously means beautiful and not beautified, but anyway that’s what he wrote. He continues:
Reads
'With her awesome rocking tits, her excellent, milky white tatters, her heaving bosom, her bodacious, perky sweater kittens, etc etc.'
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamdong wrote this?
LORD POLONIUS
Hold on I’m not done.
Reads
'Doubt that the stars are fire;
Doubt that Soul Asylum’s best song is “Somebody to Shove”;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt that I want to put it in you and call it love.
'Oh Ophelia, I am not so good at this poetry stuff, but check this out, I am getting fully erect just thinking about you. Believe it baby.
Love,
Your Hammykins'
I swear to god that my daughter got this and other letters like it from your son.
KING CLAUDIUS
Well, so? How did Ophelia respond to the letters? Did she give it up, her pussy?
LORD POLONIUS
First, tell me what do you think of me?
KING CLAUDIUS
I dunno, you’re a fuggin guy. Whatever.
LORD POLONIUS
I am a fuggin guy. A guy who knows his station in life, and is content with it. And also knows where his daughter’s place in the world is. And knows the daughter of a bureaucrat and the son of a king don’t often connect for long and fruitful relationships. So before I even knew of any of these letters I went to Ophelia and I said to her, “Ophelia,” I says, “Hamdong is a Prince, and you are shit. Peddle your pussy elsewhere, my dear, you’ll find no romance in his royal pants.”
But you see, I didn’t know Hamdong popped boners over my daughter. I only thought Ophelia had royal peen on the brain. I wanted to disabuse her of girlish notions.
So of course Hamdong got blue balls, which then enveloped him in an all encompassing pussy fog and drove him totally insane. Insane in his membrane.
So... my bad.
KING CLAUDIUS
You think this could be it?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Sure sounds like our Hamdong.
LORD POLONIUS
Have I ever lied to you before?
KING CLAUDIUS
Not that I know of.
LORD POLONIUS
[Pointing to his neck]
You can chop off my fuggin head if I am wrong.
KING CLAUDIUS
How can we be sure?
LORD POLONIUS
I’ve seen him walking around the lobby, alone, for hours at a time.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Yes that’s right.
LORD POLONIUS
Next time he does so I’ll send Ophelia out to greet him while we hide behind some shit and observe him. And if Hamdong doesn’t pop a stiff plank as the sight of my ripe, nubile daughter and her sweet sweet ta-tas, I’ll resign on the spot and hand over all my treasure to you.
KING CLAUDIUS
OK, sounds good.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Look, there goes my poor depressed son now, reading some fuggin book.
LORD POLONIUS
Quickly, you guys hide and I’ll go talk to him.
Exeunt KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, and Attendants
Enter HAMDONG, reading
Oh hey there, Hamdong, hows it hanging?
HAMDONG
Jump Around Jesus Christ on the Kriss Kross!
LORD POLONIUS
Hamdong, do you recognize me?
HAMDONG
Course I do. You’re that fuggin guy, the fuggin fishmonger.
LORD POLONIUS
Um, nooooo.
HAMDONG
Well I wish you were a fishmonger.
LORD POLONIUS
Seriously?
HAMDONG
Yes, I love fish. All men crave fish, but few men truly enjoy it.
LORD POLONIUS
That's very true, my lord.
HAMDONG
For if the sun causes maggots to sprout in the rotting carcass of a dog, then road kill is itself sunkist - say that reminds me, do you have a daughter?
LORD POLONIUS
I have, my lord.
HAMDONG
Then keep her out of the sun. You may want her to get pregnant one day but you probably don’t want her pregnant with heaps of squirming maggots, do you?
LORD POLONIUS
[Aside] See? Can’t shut up about my daughter and her sexy belly full of insect larvae can he? Obviously he is crazy too. Crazy in love, just as I once was in the days of my youth. Lets see what other retarded shit he’ll say next.
SO WHAT ARE YOU READING MY LORD?
HAMDONG
Words!
LORD POLONIUS
And what do these words say, my lord?
HAMDONG
Nothing, they’re just ink on paper silly, they can’t talk.
LORD POLONIUS
I mean, what do they say when you read those words, my lord.
HAMDONG
Just your typical bullshit. For instance, this wag happens to think that all old men have loose skin and old balls and smell like dirt and are generally terrifying to be around. And of course its all true, but it’s rude to point such things out, especially since you’re a disgusting old man yourself. If only you could turn back time, like Cher.
LORD POLONIUS
[Aside] Holy shit this guy is nuts. Nuts like a fox!
Um, my lord, would you like to step outside?
HAMDONG
And into my grave.
LORD POLONIUS
I guess if you want, it would be out there if it’s anywhere.
Aside
Its pretty funny when he pauses before answering because I just imagine the broken gears in his head trying to crank out something reasonable, but all that spits out is his loony babbling. I should probably go get my daughter to talk to him now.
Ok well I’m taking off, so long my lord.
HAMDONG
I wish I could so long my life.
LORD POLONIUS
Um, bye?
HAMDONG
BYE!
Oh boy, more assholes for the suckfest!
Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN
LORD POLONIUS
Hello and goodbye you two.
ROSENCRANTZ
[To POLONIUS] BYE BYE!
Exit POLONIUS
GUILDENSTERN
Well if it isn’t my favorite fuggin prince!
ROSENCRANTZ
Best fuggin prince in the whole god damn world!
HAMDONG
Ah, Guildahststern. Ah, Rosahcrantz. How are you two motherfuckers?
ROSENCRANTZ
Oh, we’re getting by.
GUILDENSTERN
Same shit different day, you know.
HAMDONG
So not on top of the world nor at the bottom?
ROSENCRANTZ
That’s correct, my lord.
HAMDONG
So you’re right here in the middle?
Points to crotch.
GUILDENSTERN
Hah, yeah right here.
Pretends to be holding either side of a super large, massively thick boner. Swings hips from side to side.
HAMDONG
Haha, yeah! Ayeeeeeeeeeeee!
Mimics crotch swinging. Abruptly stops.
Seriously, whats new?
ROSENCRANTZ
Nothing at all. The world is a boring, predictable place.
HAMDONG
Yeah, fuck the world, for all it’s worth. Fuck every inch of planet Earth.
But I mean specifically what are you doing here? Why are you here, in this prison?
GUILDENSTERN
What prison?
HAMDONG
Denmark is a prison.
ROSENCRANTZ
Well then everywhere else is a prison too.
HAMDONG
Correct, everywhere else is a prison, too. But Denmark is by the far the world’s shittiest prison.
ROSENCRANTZ
Oh it’s not that bad.
HAMDONG
Fuck you it is so. Denmark is a god damn prison and I am a god damn prisoner.
ROSENCRANTZ
You mean like a mental prison? Like it’s keeping you from emancipating yourself from mental slavery? Like a metaphor?
HAMDONG
Let me put it this way, you could lock me up in a fucking dungeon and I’d be fine with it if weren’t the fact that I’d go insane.
GUILDENSTERN
So he’s right, it was a metaphor.
HAMDONG
And yet, dreams are but a shadow.
ROSENCRANTZ
Whatever, Hamdong, you’re bored, we get it.
HAMDONG
And so a homeless bum’s shadow is a king, since that shadow is by the transitive property the physical embodiment of a king’s greatest hopes and desires? THEN A KING IS THEORETICALLY LOWLIER THAN A BUM! HOLY SHIT I JUST BLEW MY OWN MIND!
Come on, lets go to king’s court and tell everyone about my awesome metaphor.
ROSENCRANTZ GUILDENSTERN
No, that’s OK Hamdong. You go ahead and do that, we’ll wait here.
HAMDONG
No way, come on! Don’t be bitches. We’re pals! We can talk to each other and hang out together like normal people.
So really, PALS, why are you at Castle Elsinore?
ROSENCRANTZ
We told you, just to see you. Nothing else but a friendly visit. No ulterior motives whatsoever.
HAMDONG
Well aren’t I a lucky guy. To have such friends. Who show up without being invited. NOW. RIGHT AFTER MY DAD DIED AND MY UNCLE IMMEDIATELY MARRIED MY MOM.
You REALLY just HAPPENED to show up NOW, of all times? WITH NO OTHER REASON TO BE HERE BUT TO HANG OUT? NO OTHER IMPETUS BUT YOUR FUCKING WHIM?
GUILDENSTERN
Jesus, what do you want us to say, man?
HAMDONG
For starters you can admit that the king and queen sent for you and that is why you’re here.
ROSENCRANTZ
And why would they do that?
HAMDONG
I dunno, YOU TELL ME.
ROSENCRANTZ
[Aside to GUILDENSTERN] Um, what do we do now?
HAMDONG
[Aside] Assholes.
GUILDENSTERN
My lord, we were sent for.
HAMDONG
THATS RIGHT. And now I’ll tell you why, so you don’t have to worry about betraying your loyalty to the king and queen.
Lately, I’ve been a real Debbie Downer. I’ve lost my mirth and forgone all leisure. Where you see a sidewalk, I see a stale and rotting gangplank. Where you see the majestic canopy of the air above and the night sky studded with brilliant freckles of light, I see nothing but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors.
AND ITS BECAUSE ALL PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES! People, the acme of evolution, the pinnacle of the food chain, an animal more advanced than any to ever walk, slither or swim the earth, and what do we do with our infinite wisdom and limitless talents? Make 2 and a Half Men the highest rated show in the America.
People are fucking stupid. Fuck people.
ROSENCRANTZ
Holy shit you really are a Debbie Downer.
HAMDONG
Is it because you think I am a homosexual?
ROSENCRANTZ
No, no that has nothing to do with it. Listen, I saw that the circus was coming here. Maybe that will cheer you up. You still like the circus, don’t you?
HAMDONG
Oh great, the circus. Yes I love clowns. Who doesn’t love clowns? Clowns are awesome, I can’t wait to see these fucking clowns. So whats the name this clown circus anyway?
ROSENCRANTZ
They are the Circus Clowns of the City.
HAMDONG
Those guys? Why are they traveling? I thought they made more money staying in the City.
ROSENCRANTZ
Well I think they travel because they have to.
HAMDONG
So they suck now?
ROSENCRANTZ
Thats pretty much whatever everyone thinks.
HAMDONG
So do they actually suck, or are the people who think they suck actually the ones who do the sucking?
ROSENCRANTZ
Its the people. They suck. Especially the young ones. They’re all into shitty movies like Transformers and Transformers 2 and even Transformers 3, with each installment shittier than the last.
HAMDONG
I also blame the actors. The writers are the smart ones. Everyone knows actors are total morons and if you ignore the writers because you spend all your money on popular actors you get stuck with shitty movies. What you need are writers clever enough to include meta commentary about the movie industry and subtly slip it into the movies so that it flows naturally and no one notices that the awesome movie your watching is a personal commentary by the writer about how shitty the movie industry is. Theoretically you could do the same thing with theater and plays. But who goes to see fuggin plays anymore?
ROSENCRANTZ
Anyway, as far as I can tell, old people like the circus and young people like shitty movie and often both sides fight each other.
HAMDONG
Seriously?
GUILDENSTERN
I dunno, something like that anyway.
HAMDONG
Who wins, the old or young people?
ROSENCRANTZ
The young people.
HAMDONG
I guess that makes sense. Each generation complains about the younger generations as they get older. Like Roger Hornsby says, THAT’S JUST THE WAY IT IS.
Flourish of trumpets within
GUILDENSTERN
The circus is hear already.
HAMDONG
Great. Well, anyway, welcome to my home. I’ll keep this bullshit charade going as long as I have to.
GUILDENSTERN
What do you mean by that?
HAMDONG
I MEAN I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, DINGUS.
Enter POLONIUS
LORD POLONIUS
Oh hey fellas!
HAMDONG
Check out this fuggin guy.
ROSENCRANTZ
He’s an old geezer all right.
HAMDONG
I bet he’s here to tell me about the fuggin circus.
HELLO OLD MAN.
LORD POLONIUS
My lord, I have news for you.
HAMDONG
And I’ve got news for you. Sonny and Cher’s daughter is now a man!
LORD POLONIUS
...The circus is here, my lord!
HAMDONG
Blah blah blah.
LORD POLONIUS
It is my honor to introduce-
HAMDONG
‘The biggest douchebags in the universe’-
LORD POLONIUS
The best actors in the world, either for tragedy, comedy, history, pastoral, pastoral-comical, historical-pastoral, tragical-historical, tragical-comical-historical-pastoral, and any other combination you can think of, these guys are the best. From ancient Greece to Grease 2: Electric Boogaloo, these clowns do it all.
HAMDONG
Oh Billy Ray Cyrus, what a treasure hadst thou!
LORD POLONIUS
What a treasure had he, my lord?
HAMDONG
A smoking hot babe of a daughter which he loved so much he thrust her into the magical world of Hollywood at a prepubescent age so that no harm could have come to her. Duh.
LORD POLONIUS
[Aside] Obviously he means my daughter and her bitchin rack.
HAMDONG
Am I right or am I right, old man Billy Ray Cyrus?
LORD POLONIUS
If thats what you want to call me, sure, I have a daughter, whom I love with all my heart. My achy steaky heart.
HAMDONG
No, thats not how it goes.
LORD POLONIUS
How does it go then, my lord?
HAMDONG
Ah DUH! Don’t tell my heart, my ACHY BREAK HEART - I JUST DON’T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND!
Oh look, here comes the fuggin circus.
Enter four or five Players
Ah, welcome clowns. I haven’t seen you in forever. In fact, you, fuggin this guy, you hadn’t even gone through puberty last time I saw you. Voice was still all crackin and shit. Fuck, it’s been a long fuckin time, hasn’t it? But you all look good. You look good. Come on, give a little speech. Let’s here a little speechification.
First Player
What speech, my lord?
HAMDONG
The one from that movie from way back when. The good one that none of the dumbasses could understand because it didn’t have pirates, or ghosts or fuckin Johnny Depp in stupid fuckin make up in it or some shit. It had Jay and Silent Bob in it and Jay was explaining to Silent Bob about how much he loved women. Let me see, it went like:
‘Yeah, Silent Bob, you’re a rude motherfucker, you know that? But you’re cute as hell. I could go down on you, suck you, line up three other guys, make like a circus seal.
Mimics sucking off three guys.
Ew! you fucking faggot! I hate guys. I LOVE WOMEN!’
LORD POLONIUS
Very good job your highness. You truly are a master thespian.
First Player
ACTING!
LORD POLONIUS
ACTING!
HAMDONG
Haha, thank you. Thank goodness I didn’t do some severely long Greek story that no one gives a shit about.
Now you do one, clown.
First Player
“Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.’'
HAMDONG
‘Happy Scrappy’?
LORD POLONIUS
Oh yes, it’s a good one, let him finish.
First Player
He loves it, obviously.
‘Uh, yeah, uh. This is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352, I’d like to place an order. Okay I need one each of the following tapes: Whispers in the Wind, To Each His Own, Put It Where It Doesn’t Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All Tit-Fucking Volume 8, I Need Your Cock, Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers, My Cunt and Eight Shafts, Cum Clean, Cum Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns III, Cumming in Socks, Cum On Eileen, Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum, Girls who Crave Cock, Girls who Crave Cunt, Men Alone II: The KY Connection, Punk Pussy Lips, oh, yeah, and uh, All Holes Filled with Hard Cock. Yup. Oh, wait a minute. Uh, what was that called again?
LORD POLONIUS
A true work of art. A masterpiece. You’ve caused Prince Hamdong to cry.
HAMDONG
Oh, yes, Polonius, you noticed my tears. But don’t think that it is because I was moved by this performance, for you see, it was merely.... ACTING!
Now, Polblahblahblum, take care of our circus clowns. Make sure they have everything they need. Lord knows the last thing we need is a castle full of pissed off circus clowns.
LORD POLONIUS
My lord, I will feed them desert.
HAMDONG
You’ll fucking do more than just give them desert, god damn it. You’ll give them soups, and appetizers, and chicken fingers, and plenty of bread to go around, and an assortment of jellies for those bread, enough jelly so that they can each have some of every kind of available. Come on man, don’t make me think of everything.
LORD POLONIUS
Yes your high highness, I’m on top of it, my lord. Come with me, clowns.
HAMDONG
Go with him my friends, the clowns. And tomorrow... MASTER THESPIANISMS!
Exit POLONIUS with all the Players but the First
Hey, clown, do you guys do Boyz N tha Hood?
First Player
Of course, my lord.
HAMDONG
Good, you’ll preform it tomorrow night. And also, because I am the fuggin Prince, I’m going to write an extra scene myself that you’ll include as well. Okay?
First Player
Of course, my lord.
HAMDONG
Great, very good, grand, wonderful. Now go with that fuggin old guy and watch you don’t trip on his old balls and loose skin.
Exit First Player
Ok, Rosencrams and Guildoberg, you too. Get out.
ROSENCRANTZ
Good night, my lord!
HAMDONG
Yes, good night.
Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN
I think I’m alone now. There doesn’t seem to be anyone around.
Ah fuck my cock! God damn that actor did an amazing job pretending to be Randall from the movie Clerks. Very impressive, especially the way he had all those lines memorized. Thats a lot of lines to memorize.
But shit man, what about my fucking parents. Or my STEP parents, I should say. I forgot about them. Fuck them. Making me look like a coward. Like some chump, who just sits there while his dad gets murdered and does nothing about it even though the ghost of his dad commands him to extract vengeance. But no, I just sit here, like a goon, laughing at some asshole doing bits from some 20 year old movie.
It’s probably because I’m a pussy. A giant, weepy, gaping fucking hatchet wound, who would rather sit on his whiny ass and piss and moan than get up and actually fucking do something about station in life. A stupid fuck who can neither shit, nor get off the god damn pot.
Wait, didn’t Dante from Clerks have a similar problem? And didn’t he learn his lesson and figure everything out? Oh no, wait, that ended with his current girlfriend dumping him and his ex-girlfriend fucking a dead guy. But whatever, the fact that a movie caused me to feel emotion gives me an idea!
That scene I was going to have that clown insert into his performance of Boyz N tha Hood WAS going to be a scene where all the Boyz N tha Hood gather around a campfire, eat beans and fart. But fuck that. Instead of that, I’m going add a scene were some dude kills his brother and marries his wife, and then the dude’s nephew gets revenge and kills the dude!
That way, if my real uncle gets uncomfortable watching and actor do what I SUSPECT he did IN REAL LIFE then I’ll know FOR SURE that he murdered my dad and I don’t have to just rely on that GHOST I met earlier. I mean, I pretty much believe the ghost anyway, but, you know, it’s always good to make sure of these things.
WOW, WHAT A SWEET, FOOLPROOF PLAN. IT LITERALLY CAN NOT FAIL.
I’m so glad I talked all this through out loud to myself. Man I can’t wait for tomorrow.
Exit
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