The Tragedy of Hamdong Act I Scene III

SCENE III. A room in Polonius' house.

Enter LAERTES and OPHELIA

LAERTES
Ok sis, I’m about to get up out this bitch. Don’t forget to write.

OPHELIA
Oh I will make sure to.

LAERTES
You can keep me in the loop regarding Hamdong, and whether or not he’s quit playing games with your heart yet.

OPHELIA
You’re worried about that?

LAERTES
You’re better off just completely forgetting about him. He’s a daffy fucking cunt. A real flibbertigibbet. Plus you know he’s just going end up in some arranged, political marriage. His responsibility to Denmark comes before getting into your sweet sweet poonanny.

OPHELIA
Fine yes, I’ll make sure not to get infatuated with Hamdong. You’d be wise to follow your own advice, dear brother, seeing as how you stick it in anything with a pulse, you fucking slut.

LAERTES
Yeah whatever. Hey look here comes dad.

Enter POLONIUS

Hello Dad.

LORD POLONIUS
Laertes, what the hell are you still doing here? Go, get on your board your boat and fuck off back to France already! Go, move it! But first listen to this severely long list of advice I have for you:
- Don’t be a spaz
- Don’t make an ass out of yourself
- Stay friends with your friends but don’t ignore your old friends just because you have new friends
- Don’t get into fights but if you are in one, don’t be a pussy
- Shut up and listen to others
- Don’t be a judgmental prick
- Be classy but don’t waste your money on bourgeois bullshit
- Motherfuck finance in all it’s forms
- Don’t front

Ok that’s it. So long and bon voyage!

LAERTES
Ok bye, Dad.

LORD POLONIUS
Jesus Christ, beat it already.

LAERTES
Good bye Ofeeleya. Don’t forget what the fuck I just told you.

OPHELIA
You know I fucking won’t.

LAERTES
BASS IN YOUR FACE MEANS PEACE SEE YOU LATER.

Exit

LORD POLONIUS
So what was it that Lamertrees wanted you to remember?

OPHELIA
Oh, just something about Prince Hamdong.

LORD POLONIUS
I see. And from what I hear, Hamdong has been popping some rather large boners over you lately. And you’ve been, how shall we say it, indulging these massive boners that have popped from Hamdong’s loins. So give me the straight poop, what exactly is going on between you kids anyway?

OPHELIA
Hamdong showed me his super large boner.

LORD POLONIUS
Oh and you think that means he loves you, huh? Flash one measly boner and now you’ve found everlasting love? Please. You don’t know shit about boners or eternal love.

OPHELIA
I’ll be honest, I am a little confused right now.

LORD POLONIUS
It’s pretty simple. You think Hamdong’s unsheathed bonesword means he is the real deal, but all it really means is he’s a horny dude looking to get his dick wet. Don’t think he’s for real, because he’s not. He’s for shit.

OPHELIA
But he’s seemed for real. And it was quite a large boner he showed me.

LORD POLONIUS
Oh please, they all look big at your age.

OPHELIA
But he said he really really really wants to bone me!

LORD POLONIUS
Right, which means he loves you about as much as a pedophile priest loves his alter boys. Just because he’s trying to get into your pants doesn’t mean he going to stick around after he’s shot his load. It’s how all young men are. He just desperately wants to sperm and scram; to blow and bolt; to nut and strut; to ejaculate and evacuate. Do not, under any circumstances, allow Prince Hamdong anywhere near your unplucked virginal gardens. Consider your vag a rocky place where Hamdong’s peene will find no purchase. This is very important now do you understand what I have just explained to you, god damn it?

OPHELIA
Yes father I do...

... psyche.

Exeunt