SCENE II. A hall in the castle.
Enter HAMDONG and Players
HAMDONG
Ok actor clowns, don’t fuck up any of the lines or act like a bunch of spazes, even though most of you do as I have personally witnessed so many times. Take that amateur hour bullshit back to your podunk community theater.
First Player
Don’t worry, we’ll not disappoint.
HAMDONG
You better not. The objective of theater, of all art, is to hold a mirror up to nature and reflect back to us who we really are. Done right, it will move even the most embittered asshole to tears. Done wrong, and you literally tell God to suck a dick. So basically, in the immortal words of Max Fischer: DON’T FUCK WITH MY PLAY.
First Player
We will strive to preform to your standards, sir.
HAMDONG
SEE THAT YOU DO FUCKIN CLOWNS.
Exeunt Players
Enter POLONIUS, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN
Hello buttheads. Is the king ready for these fucking clowns?
LORD POLONIUS
The queen too, both are ready.
HAMDONG
THEN HURRY THOSE FUCKIN CLOWNS UP.
Exit POLONIUS
You assholes go help too.
ROSENCRANTZ GUILDENSTERN
We’re on it.
Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN
HAMDONG
OOOH! Fuckin Horatio!
Enter HORATIO
HORATIO
Hey hey hey, my lord fuckin Hamdong!
HAMDONG
I’m glad you’re here Horatio. I can’t fuckin talk to these people anymore.
HORATIO
I’m just doing what any pal would, buddy.
HAMDONG
Listen, I’m not bullshitting you, dude. Why would a Prince bother bullshitting some poor schmuck who just happens to be friends from college? (no offense).
Nay, let the peen of honesty mushroom stamp the cheek of duplicity. Unlike me, you’ve not yet been motherfucked by that cruel bitch, fortune. That foul whore has played me like a skin flute, and I wouldn’t see you dragged down into my personal hell if I can help it.
Ah but uh, what else?
Oh yeah, there’s going to be a play tonight that my uncle the king will watch. In the play there is a scene involving a reenactment of my father’s death, as it was told to us by my dead father’s ghost. If my uncle the king witnesses that scene without looking guilty, then that ghost we saw was full of shit and we’ll forget the whole thing. But if we both notice my uncle the king sweating, then that fucking ghost was telling the truth - and then the mothafucka is on!
HORATIO
Super plan. Basically fool proof.
HAMDONG
Thanks. Ok, the plays about to start. Let’s get into good king-watching positions.
Danish march. A flourish. Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, POLONIUS, OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and others
KING CLAUDIUS
How are you feeling, Hamdong?
HAMDONG
Excellent. I’m stuffed to the gills on piles of tasty bullshit. Pigs don’t eat this well.
KING CLAUDIUS
Hamdong, what do you mean by that?
HAMDONG
In mocking sarcasm.
Hamdong, what do you mean by that?
To POLONIUS
Hey you were a theater geek in college, right dude?
LORD POLONIUS
I was. And not half bad at if you can trust the reviews in the student paper.
HAMDONG
I wouldn't. And what plays did you act in?
LORD POLONIUS
I played Julius Ceaser, and was slain by Brutus in the Capitol of Rome.
HAMDONG
How brutish a decision to slay so capitol a figure. AHAHAHAHAHA GREAT JOKE, RIGHT?
ROSENCRANTZ
Good one, Prince. By the way the clowns are ready to start the play.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamdong, come sit next to me.
HAMDONG
Fuck you mom, I’m sitting over here, next to the babe.
LORD POLONIUS
[To KING CLAUDIUS] I told you Hamdong pops boners for my daughter. See?
HAMDONG
Hey Ophelia, you got any muffins on your lap?
Lying down at OPHELIA's feet
OPHELIA
No, my lord.
HAMDONG
You sure, none at all, not even one?
OPHELIA
Correct, my lord.
HAMDONG
So I guess I wont be able to do any muff diving today then.
OPHELIA
I guess not, my lord.
HAMDONG
You know what else a woman’s vagina is good for?
OPHELIA
What’s that, my lord?
HAMDONG
Nothing.
OPHELIA
Well, you’re full of jokes today, my lord.
HAMDONG
Who, me?
OPHELIA
Yes, you.
HAMDONG
Yeah, well, my whole life is basically one big god damn joke. I mean you want to see a joke, check out my fuggin mom over there, yukkin it up with my uncle only two hours after burying my dad.
OPHELIA
I think you mean two months, my lord.
HAMDONG
Oh, two months is it? Well fuck him then, lets all forget all about my dad. Two months is an eternity. What, does he expect us to mourn him longer than that? Maybe if he did something actually important, like coached a college football team, maybe then he’d be worth remembering. Otherwise, forget it dad, you’re history.
Some mimes enter. A man and woman pretend to be in love. Then the man leaves the woman and takes a nap. Then another dude comes in and pours poison in the sleeping man’s ear. The woman finds the man dead but it soon wooed by the murderer and walks away from her dead lover’s corpse hand in hand with the murderer.
Exeunt
OPHELIA
What were those mimes doing?
HAMDONG
Just your typical trifling bullshit.
OPHELIA
I think it is supposed to let us know whats going to happen in the real play, when they’re allowed to talk.
Enter Prologue
HAMDONG
Yes. For some stupid reason we’re supposed to watch the first half of the play without words and then the rest of the play with words. I guess these clowns think we are all complete morons.
OPHELIA
And if we are, will watching it the parts with words be easier to understand?
HAMDONG
Yes, I think otherwise you’d be considered legally retarded.
OPHELIA
Oh you silly goose. Now quiet I want to watch the play.
Prologue
All right stop,
Collaborate and listen,
The clowns are back with a brand new invention.
Exit
HAMDONG
What the hell was that, some fuggin rap song?
OPHELIA
At least it was painless and over quickly.
HAMDONG
Which is just how I like my sex.
Enter two Players, King and Queen
Player King
Thirty years hath been perpetrated
since your poonany I first penetrated.
Player Queen
Still I love you, always forever
Near and far, closer together.
Know that my love will stand the test,
Though I may display symptoms of PMS.
Player King
Your sweet lips I know aren’t lying,
But all the same I still am dying.
So when I’m dead, do yourself a favor,
Let another man, your poonany savor.
So anyway -
Player Queen
- Please keep your mouth shut.
Never will I allow another man up in my guts.
I won’t marry again, you must think I am nuts,
To whore myself out like the worst kind of slut.
HAMDONG
[Aside] Whoa, this is deep.
Player Queen
To remarry for money’s the lamest excuse,
To do it for peen’s for the lowliest cooz.
Player King
I know you mean well and mean what you say,
But tomorrow oft breaks promises you make today.
So when you’re done grieving remember life goes on,
And think about accepting someone else’s stiff dong.
Player Queen
To hear from her husband such revolting ploys,
I tell you for certain, fuck all of that noise.
HAMDONG
Sluts always say that shit.
Player King
Thanks for that dear, I know you’re no sap,
Now please let me be as I take a short nap.
Sleeps
Player Queen
Oh my one true love, even if you were dead,
I swear no other’s sperms would I catch in bed.
Exit
HAMDONG
So mom, what did you think of the play? Especially the the role of the queen. I’m interested since you are also a queen and thought maybe you would pick up some emotions from the character that we non-queens may have missed.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
I think if this lady really wasn’t the slut she denied being, she shouldn’t have needed to spend so much time convincing her husband she wasn’t one.
HAMDONG
Yes but she actually doesn’t allow any other dudes to bone her.
KING CLAUDIUS
You’ve seen this one before? And there’s no more boning in it? Man, that’s lame.
HAMDONG
No, no more boning. But there is a sweet murder. Which is just as much fun for all of us.
KING CLAUDIUS
What’s the name of this play again?
HAMDONG
The Ingeniues Plan to Catch a Monarch in a Lie and Expose the Truth. I don’t know why they gave it such a silly name. Probably because it’s based in Austria but the king and queen have Spanish names. And also they are a duke and a duchess, not king and queen. Or something. Who cares, its a stupid fucking play. The important thing to remember is that if we witness something in the play that also happened in real life, we don’t have to react to it at all. UNLESS OF COURSE WE ARE GUILTY OF COMMITTING THE CRIME BEING DEPICTED IN THE PLAY I MEAN.
Enter LUCIANUS
That’s fuckin Lucianus, nephew to the king (or duke). His nickname is Loosey Anus (I just made that up).
OPHELIA
Thanks for the play by play, my lord.
HAMDONG
Thanks. Maybe later I could do the play by play of one of our bone sessions.
OPHELIA
Oh you are a sharp one.
HAMDONG
Well you could take the edge off if you like, but to do so would involve me boning you.
OPHELIA
Hah! Your jokes get dumber but your boner gets bigger.
HAMDONG
Oh you love it, you slut.
Now, lets get back to business, clowns. We want blood! Bring the pain motherfuckers!
LUCIANUS
Beause I’m evil and this sauce ain’t hoisin,
Into the king’s ear I’ll pour this poison
Pours the poison into the sleeper's ears
HAMDONG
IN CASE ANYONE MISSED THAT, HE JUST PUT POISON IN THE KING’S EAR.
NEXT HE WILL FUCK THE KING’S WIFE. JUST WATCH.
OPHELIA
Whoa, OUR king looks pissed off by the actions of that dude in the play!
HAMDONG
What happened, he see a reenactment of something he possibly did and get freaked out?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Oh my, is the king all right?
LORD POLONIUS
Er, I think it’d be best that we quit this fuggin play now.
KING CLAUDIUS
Turn on the lights and then everyone get the fuck out!
All
AAAAHHHH LIGHTS LIGHTS LIGHTS LIGHTS LIGHTS LIGHTS!
Exeunt all but HAMDONG and HORATIO
HAMDONG
Go on, let the baby run for his bottle,
While real men sack up and push on full throttle.
Hah, see I could write this shit. It doesn’t take a fuggin genius to write fuggin poetry, isn’t that right?
HORATIO
You’re a regular Bill fuggin Shagasbeer.
HAMDONG
No shit. Here, check this out.
If the king were a restaurant reviewed in a Zagats,
It would read: The king’s run away like a big stupid f-... um... a ffffffart sniffer!
HORATIO
Ah, just missed making it rhyme.
HAMDONG
Ah Horatio. So, I guess that ghost was telling the truth huh?
HORATIO
I guess so.
HAMDONG
I also guess ghosts are real, too.
HORATIO
I guess so, too.
HAMDONG
Hah, fuckin ghosts!
Come on sing with me!
My uncle is the meanest!
He sucks a horse’s penis!
OH! My uncle is a horse’s ass!
HAHAHAH OH GOD I’M BRILLIANT!
Re-enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN
GUILDENSTERN
Say, Prince Hamdong, could I have a word with you?
HAMDONG
Have as many as you like, butthead!
GUILDENSTERN
Well it’s the king, he--
HAMDONG
Sucks a horse’s penis? Yes I am already aware of that. Didn’t you hear my hilarious song?
GUILDENSTERN
He’s pissed.
HAMDONG
Piss drunk?
GUILDENSTERN
Pissed off.
HAMDONG
So? Fuck him.
GUILDENSTERN
That’s not being very helpful.
HAMDONG
Fuck you too.
GUILDENSTERN
You know the queen told me to see you, she’s very upset as well.
HAMDONG
So now you’ve seen me. See?
Now here, listen: fuck it.
GUILDENSTERN
OK fine, then if we’re finished here, please allow me to return to the queen.
HAMDONG
I will not.
GUILDENSTERN
Why not, my lord?
HAMDONG
Because fuck you.
ROSENCRANTZ
My lord Hamdong, your mother is very concerned about you.
HAMDONG
A mother concerned for her son? No fucking way! Tell me another one!
ROSENCRANTZ
She wants you to come see her in her bedroom.
HAMDONG
Wonderful. Anything else?
ROSENCRANTZ
Hamdong, what the hell man, I thought we were friends?
HAMDONG
Who said we weren’t friends?
ROSENCRANTZ
Then why are you being such a dick?
HAMDONG
Why do you care, I’m nobody.
ROSENCRANTZ
Well I hardly consider the heir to the Danish throne to be a nobody.
HAMDONG
That’s because you’re a shit head.
Re-enter Players with recorders
Ah fuck yeah, my favorite instruments, recorders! Give me one. Now watch as I shred some tasty licks on this - Dude, back up off my dick. Why are you standing so motherfucking close?
GUILDENSTERN
I’m sorry, I just wanted to see what you were doing.
HAMDONG
Yeah I bet you did. Here, play us some tunes.
GUILDENSTERN
Oh, no, I couldn’t, my lord.
HAMDONG
Do it.
GUILDENSTERN
I can’t.
HAMDONG
Play.
GUILDENSTERN
I don’t know how!
HAMDONG
Oh it’s not that fucking difficult. They teach kids in fucking kindergarten to play this shit. Look, just put your fingers over these little holes and blow into this end up here.
GUILDENSTERN
I still don’t know make it play any songs!
HAMDONG
Oh but you think you can make me sing don’t you? I know what you assholes are up to. Trying to play me like fiddle. Well guess what, I’m harder to play than a fiddle. And a fiddle is harder to play than a recorder. And you can’t even play a recorder! Thus by the transitive property, you have no chance of getting me to say what you want me to.
So fuck you guys.
Enter POLONIUS
Fuckin Baloneyus.
LORD POLONIUS
My lord, the queen wishes to see you right now.
HAMDONG
Baloneyus, let me ask you something, what is your favorite baseball team. Is it the Yankees?
LORD POLONIUS
Yes of course it is the Yankees.
HAMDONG
You sure you don’t mean the Red Sox?
LORD POLONIUS
Right, that’s what I mean, the Red Sox.
HAMDONG
You mean the Orioles?
LORD POLONIUS
Right, the Orioles are my favorite baseball team.
HAMDONG
Hah, NO ONE likes the asshole Orioles. Ugh, fine, I will come to my mother’s bedroom and see what the fuck she wants. If only to get you motherfuckers to shut up.
LORD POLONIUS
I will let her know.
HAMDONG
YOU DO THAT BOLONEYUS.
Exit POLONIUS
Everyone: get out.
Exeunt all but HAMDONG
Holy shit I am so sick of all this bullcrap. I could literally drink blood and piss fire. LITERALLY! Hopefully, though, I’ll be able to control my temper when I see my asshole mom. It would be a real shame if I murdered my own fuckin mother, wouldn’t it!
Ok, well, off I go.
Exit
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