The Tragedy of Hamdong Act III Scene I

The Tragedy of Hamdong Act III

SCENE I. A room in the castle.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, POLONIUS, OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN

KING CLAUDIUS
Gentlemen, have you figured out yet why Hamdong is acting squirrelier than nut poop?

ROSENCRANTZ
He says he’s got a lot on him mind, but he never says exactly whats bothering him.

GUILDENSTERN
He remains very... obtuse?

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Was he happy to see you at least?

ROSENCRANTZ
Sure, I guess.

GUILDENSTERN
He kept everything pretty formal.

ROSENCRANTZ
Didn’t ask us much of anything. Answered all our questions but not with anything that made any sense.

QUEEN GERTRUDE
That’s it?

ROSENCRANTZ
He did seem to perk up when we told them the circus was coming to the castle. I think he’s going to have them preform tonight. You know how he loves those fuggin clowns.

LORD POLONIUS
Yes and he told me to tell you guys that you should totally attend because it’s going to be a really sweet performance, especially for you two.

KING CLAUDIUS
Well that sounds pretty good. Gentleman, tell my son: ‘Hamdong cause you asked so nice, I will watch your play tonight.’

ROSENCRANTZ
No sweat, my lord.

Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

KING CLAUDIUS
Gertrude baby, you get lost too. Polonium and I have set up our stalking nest so we can secretly witness whether or not Hamdong gets a bonesword when he “bumps into” Ophelia.

QUEEN GERTRUDE
All right, if you boys insist. And Ophelia, watch out for that juicy hog of his. He’s got a big one. You know that.

OPHELIA
Of course I do, Madam.

Exit QUEEN GERTRUDE

LORD POLONIUS
OK Ophelia. I know you’re my daughter but I’m going to force you into this ridiculous plan of ours anyway. You are going to talk to Hamdong while we secretly observe and if we decide that he is upset because you haven’t let him sleep with you yet then we are going to force you to sleep with him to cheer him up and then everything will be fine. But if he is just plain crazy and doesn’t care whether or not he sleeps with you, well, then we have bigger problems.

And here, read this religious book, so we can all appreciate the irony of pretending to be pious will doing horrible things. Oh boy that is some sweet sweet irony all right.

KING CLAUDIUS
It’s true. I do love irony. I do appreciate pretending to be a good person when really I’m just a giant piece of shit. Ho ho ho that is a good one.

LORD POLONIUS
I hear him coming: let’s get the fuck out of here, my lord.

Exeunt KING CLAUDIUS and POLONIUS
Enter HAMDONG

HAMDONG
To be or to fuck off and die: that is some shit.

Life’s a bitch, but so what? Big fuggin deal! Sure, we’d all like to take the easy way out. Suck on the hollow end of a shotgun and paint the wall with our brains. But then... what? You won’t have to put up with the never ending parade of bullshit that is life. True. You’d literally be without a care in the world. Because you’d be dead, and they dead don’t care. The dead only know one thing: it is better to be alive.

And that’s ultimately why most people puss out. Because they’re afraid of the great unknown. No one comes back from the other side to tell you it’s better over there, to assure you that you aren’t making a huge mistake. So we all just retreat back to our miserable existence, secure in the fact that we aren’t actively seeking oblivion, even though that’s exactly what everyone who was ever born is inevitably and inexorably hurtling toward.

So fuck it. Fuck me, fuck my mom, fuck my dad, fuck vengence and motherfuck Denmark. I’m going to go listen to my Type O Negative CDs.

Oh hey Ophelia, hows it going?

OPHELIA
Oh hey Hamdong. Not bad, how are you?

HAMDONG
Oh, you know. I’m good.

OPHELIA
Well listen, I’ve been meaning to get back to you about those nice letters you wrote me.

HAMDONG
I didn’t write you any letters.

OPHELIA
Yes you did. You did and they were very sweet and I really appreciate all the nice things you said. So here, this is my reply. Take them.

HAMDONG
Hah! What are you, drunk?

OPHELIA
Excuse me?

HAMDONG
Are you high?

OPHELIA
What do you mean?

HAMDONG
Ophelia, you’re a nice girl, so let’s not have this conversation.

OPHELIA
But you got these balls and some cock! Don’t you want me to stroke your schlong or at least bite your nuts?

HAMDONG
Look, Ophelia, I’m not going to lie, you’re a hot piece of ass, and you may have given me a boner a time or twelve, but listen carefully: I DO NOT WANT TO FUCK YOU.

OPHELIA
But I thought you wanted this virgeen for your peen. You said it right here, in the letters. Look!

HAMDONG
Guys say a lot of stupid shit when they’re horny, you shouldn’t believe a word of it.

OPHELIA
But I thought you really liked me.

HAMDONG
Do I have to spell it out for you, you dumb bitch? I’m completely fucked in the head. You shouldn’t waste your time with me. You’d be better off in a fuggin nunnery. Or a in a whorehouse. I don’t fucking care. But either way, ply your poonany elsewhere, I’ve got shit to do. Go bother your dad. Where is that old geezer anyway?

OPHELIA
He’s at home.

HAMDONG
Well he’s a fucking asshole. He should stay there and stop bothering everyone.

OPHELIA
Hamdong, what’s wrong with you?!

HAMDONG
Listen! FUCK OFF! Go marry some other dude if you’re so desperate for cock. See how well that turns out after you’ve fucked more times than can be interesting and he grows tired of all your bullshit.

OPHELIA
Why are you being like this, Hamdong?!

HAMDONG
BECAUSE YOU’RE A STUPID BITCH WHO DOESN’T FUCKING LISTEN.

Jesus christ it’s a god damn miracle there are any married folks in the world. I’ve had enough of this shit. I’ve had it with pussy period. I’m getting the fuck out of here.

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.

Exit

OPHELIA
Oh my god! Hamdong used to be cool, but now, he is a complete DICK. What the shit is his PROBLEM?

Re-enter KING CLAUDIUS and POLONIUS

KING CLAUDIUS
Well he’s not madly in love with Ophelia, I think it’s safe to scratch that theory off the list.

He is definitely a little bit fucked up, though. Maybe a trip to fuggin England will sort him out, what with all their royalty and Beatles and soccer players and wankers and shit.

What do you think about Plan B, Baloneious?

LORD POLONIUS
Well, I still think my daughter’s hot steamy pussy is what started this whole mess, but whatever. By the way, sorry about subjecting you to that Ophelia. No need repeat to us that he called you a stupid bitch and a whore and cunt and all that. We heard it all. I don’t want to humiliate you by having you repeat it or do anything else embarrassing.

But how about this your gracelyness: after the play tonight, you and the Queen go try to talk to Hamdong and see if the two of you can suss out the source of his fruity bullshit, since Ophelia is obviously completely fucking useless in that regard. I’ll hang back behind a curtain or something like a god damn stalker again and listen in.

And if that plan crashes and burns too, well, then sure, ship his sorry ass to England, let them deal with his PMS.

KING CLAUDIUS
Sounds good. It’s probably smart to keep an eye on the guy whose father very recently died under extremely shady circumstances and is now acting totally mental. That’s my policy anyway.

Exeunt