SCENE VII. Another room in the castle.
Enter KING CLAUDIUS and LAERTES
KING CLAUDIUS
So, Layertees, you have figured out by now that it was Hamdong that killed your dad, yes? That your good king Claudius had nothing to do with it? And that if you seek vengeance it should be extracted from Hamdong, and not King Claudius?
LAERTES
Yeah I heard Hamdong stabbed my dad to death. But what I still want to know is why you haven’t strung Hamdong up by his guts for his treasonous crimes against humanity and possible crimes against huge manatees.
KING CLAUDIUS
There are a couple reasons for this, Laertes. One of which is that he is still the son of my wife, the Queen. She would very much prefer to not see her only son disemboweled and hung from the gallows by his lower intestine, and I very much need to keep her happy if I ever want to dip my kingly boner in her queenly vagina again, and I do very much want that.
Secondly, that teeming mass of simpletons you call countrymen consider Hamdong a hero and heir to the throne. That motley collection of morons would likely overlook an accidental murder by him and throw one outrageous shit fit over the public execution of their beloved prince.
LAERTES
Fuck all that bullshit. I didn’t have a noble father murdered and virtuous sister driven to madness to NOT get revenge. So fuck the queen, and fuck the people, my vengeance WILL come.
KING CLAUDIUS
Yes of course. I don’t want to give you the impression that I will simply allow Hamdong’s crimes to go unrevenged. But we need think about this and not go running around, revenging things all willy-nilly. We need to plan. We need to figure things out.
Enter a Messenger
Oh now what do you want, cock breath?
Messenger
An important message from Hamdong, your majesty. From when he was on a pirate ship.
KING CLAUDIUS
A pirate ship! Well what is it?
Messenger
It’s a big boat full of pirates, duh.
KING CLAUDIUS
Just give me the letter and fuck off, cock breath.
Exit Messenger
Reads
‘Dear
King Claudingus,
I’m coming back to Denmark. I’m hoping you’ll give me a pardon. I’ll also tell you all about the sweet ass pirate ship I’m on. It’s so rad, it’s fucking awesome. These pirates are all woo-hoo and shit. Anyway, gotta go do a grog stand. Smell your later your royal henie!
Your prince,
Hamdong’
What the hell is this, some kind of prank?
LAERTES
Do you recognize the handwriting?
KING CLAUDIUS
Yes, it’s Hamdong’s. There’s also a post script, some sort of math equation? It reads, eight equals dee. What does that mean, you think?
LAERTES
What am I, a fucking calculus professor? Here’s a math problem for you, King, what’s the square root of I’m going to butt fuck prince Hamdong straight to hell?
KING CLAUDIUS
I know of your wishes, Laertes, the question now is how do we go about making it happen. You agree that you are still my subject, yes?
LAERTES
Yes, but I am not subject to any butt fucking. Indeed it is I who always administers the butt fucking. I do not even countenance power bottoms!
KING CLAUDIUS
And I will make sure that when Hamdong returns that he is indeed subject to a good and thorough butt fucking from you. But if we are going to do this and keep my wife and the multitudinous cretins known as the Danes happy, we’re going to have to come up with something exceedingly devious. And I think I have just concocted the perfect plan.
LAERTES
Just as long as I'm pitching, not catching (or, con cock, as the Spanish say), then please, continue.
KING CLAUDIUS
You don’t have to worry about that. A deep dicking to the anus is what your going to deliver, have no fear. I got that.
Now, you are, besides an expert coxman and fucker of butts, also renowned throughout the land as an accomplished swordsman. Hamdong himself even said he felt the green prick of envy when told tales of your swordsmanship.
LAERTES
He’ll too feel the pink prick of Laertes throbbing against his prostate before long.
KING CLAUDIUS
Yes, yes, very good.
Also, there was a dude from France, who was also well known as both a ladykiller and expert manipulator of sharp pointy metal thingees. Additionally this guy was considered a skilled horseman. He could ride a horse all day long. And you know how much the French love equestrianism. And boyt was this guy was a real master of dressage. He could make his horse cantor with the best of them. And show jumping, let me tell you about his show jumping.
LAERTES
And he was a fuggin Frenchie you say?
KING CLAUDIUS
That’s right.
LAERTES
It’s gotta be that fuggin guy, Lamond.
KING CLAUDIUS
That’s him, Lamond.
LAERTES
Yeah he’s a real fuggin ace number one guy. The French go ape tits for ‘em, no doubt.
KING CLAUDIUS
Well as great as he was, even he said that when it came to swordplay, you were tops. This fuggin Lamond said that nary a fencer in the whole world could even hope to suck the sword swinging dick of Laertes the master. Not even giving the tiniest of kisses on tip of the peehole would be an appropriate tribute to the man who could cleave his way through an army of sword wielding combatants. And boy you should see Hamdong’s face when Lamond starts going on about you. He gets positively furious with jealousy.
LAERTES
Will you get to the fuggin point?
KING CLAUDIUS
The point of a sword or the point of a dong?
LAERTES
The point of the fuggin plot to revenge my father and butt fuck Hamdong!
KING CLAUDIUS
HEY! I’m getting to that! Jeez. Give a guy a second to explain his perfect plot why dontcha? You’ll still be able to anally penetrate Hamdong and revenge your father, I SWEAR. Just let me explain everything because really I have come up with a plot so utterly and meticulously perfect that it literally can not fail, but you have to let me explain it first.
Jesus Christ!
Speaking of our Lord and Savior, how would you feel about murdering Hamdong in a church?
LAERTES
Yeah I’m good with that.
KING CLAUDIUS
Splendid. Your lust for blood truly knows no bounds.
Now, here’s what’s going to happen when Hamdong returns. I will boast again about what a totally sweet swordsman you are. I’ll lay it on twice as thick as that fuggin Lamond even. Then, because he is a spastic dumski, Hamdong will challenge you to a dual and even allow you to choose swords.
And then you will fuck his butt.
LAERTES
YES! FINALLY!
Also, since dumski Hamdong will be letting me choose swords, I’ll make sure the tip of my blade is dipped in this super deadly poison I just happen to conveniently pick up recently. There’s no known cure for this poison and even a wee scratch will be enough to cause near instant death. And I carry it around with me safely in this handy little container. This stuff exists and is real. Totally. And I have some.
KING CLAUDIUS
Yes, how incredibly convenient. FOR US. Though I believe Hamdong will find it decidedly INconvenient.
Oh and how about this. Just in case our fool proof strategy doesn’t go exactly according to plan, I’ll also drop some poison in Hamdong’s wine, so when he gets thirsty and drinks what he thinks is a cool, refreshing, thirst quenching wine, he’ll really be drinking poison!
Haha! Our plan fucking rules!
Enter QUEEN GERTRUDE
Oh hey Queen Gertie! What’s crappenin?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
More bad news I’m afraid. Laertes, your sister Ophelia is dead.
LAERTES
The fuck?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
She decided to pick some flowers way out on a tree limb that extended over some river. But her fat ass broke the branch and she fell into the stream and drowned.
What was really weird was she was singing the whole time as she drowned, right up to her last gargling breath. And I know this because I guess someone was there to hear her sing but didn’t try to rescue her or anything. Fuggin Danes need to take some swimming lessons, for real.
LAERTES
Ophelia fuckin drowned in a river?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Yup.
LAERTES
This news makes me want to cry. Like a big fat fucking baby man. Wah wah wah. Poor widdle Laertes needs to go change his diapy. Ah boo fucking hoo!
Exit
KING CLAUDIUS
Embarassing. What a woman.
Come on, Trudy, let’s get the fuck out of her so baby man can have himself a nice cry in peace.
Exeunt
I’m coming back to Denmark. I’m hoping you’ll give me a pardon. I’ll also tell you all about the sweet ass pirate ship I’m on. It’s so rad, it’s fucking awesome. These pirates are all woo-hoo and shit. Anyway, gotta go do a grog stand. Smell your later your royal henie!
Your prince,
Hamdong’
What the hell is this, some kind of prank?
LAERTES
Do you recognize the handwriting?
KING CLAUDIUS
Yes, it’s Hamdong’s. There’s also a post script, some sort of math equation? It reads, eight equals dee. What does that mean, you think?
LAERTES
What am I, a fucking calculus professor? Here’s a math problem for you, King, what’s the square root of I’m going to butt fuck prince Hamdong straight to hell?
KING CLAUDIUS
I know of your wishes, Laertes, the question now is how do we go about making it happen. You agree that you are still my subject, yes?
LAERTES
Yes, but I am not subject to any butt fucking. Indeed it is I who always administers the butt fucking. I do not even countenance power bottoms!
KING CLAUDIUS
And I will make sure that when Hamdong returns that he is indeed subject to a good and thorough butt fucking from you. But if we are going to do this and keep my wife and the multitudinous cretins known as the Danes happy, we’re going to have to come up with something exceedingly devious. And I think I have just concocted the perfect plan.
LAERTES
Just as long as I'm pitching, not catching (or, con cock, as the Spanish say), then please, continue.
KING CLAUDIUS
You don’t have to worry about that. A deep dicking to the anus is what your going to deliver, have no fear. I got that.
Now, you are, besides an expert coxman and fucker of butts, also renowned throughout the land as an accomplished swordsman. Hamdong himself even said he felt the green prick of envy when told tales of your swordsmanship.
LAERTES
He’ll too feel the pink prick of Laertes throbbing against his prostate before long.
KING CLAUDIUS
Yes, yes, very good.
Also, there was a dude from France, who was also well known as both a ladykiller and expert manipulator of sharp pointy metal thingees. Additionally this guy was considered a skilled horseman. He could ride a horse all day long. And you know how much the French love equestrianism. And boyt was this guy was a real master of dressage. He could make his horse cantor with the best of them. And show jumping, let me tell you about his show jumping.
LAERTES
And he was a fuggin Frenchie you say?
KING CLAUDIUS
That’s right.
LAERTES
It’s gotta be that fuggin guy, Lamond.
KING CLAUDIUS
That’s him, Lamond.
LAERTES
Yeah he’s a real fuggin ace number one guy. The French go ape tits for ‘em, no doubt.
KING CLAUDIUS
Well as great as he was, even he said that when it came to swordplay, you were tops. This fuggin Lamond said that nary a fencer in the whole world could even hope to suck the sword swinging dick of Laertes the master. Not even giving the tiniest of kisses on tip of the peehole would be an appropriate tribute to the man who could cleave his way through an army of sword wielding combatants. And boy you should see Hamdong’s face when Lamond starts going on about you. He gets positively furious with jealousy.
LAERTES
Will you get to the fuggin point?
KING CLAUDIUS
The point of a sword or the point of a dong?
LAERTES
The point of the fuggin plot to revenge my father and butt fuck Hamdong!
KING CLAUDIUS
HEY! I’m getting to that! Jeez. Give a guy a second to explain his perfect plot why dontcha? You’ll still be able to anally penetrate Hamdong and revenge your father, I SWEAR. Just let me explain everything because really I have come up with a plot so utterly and meticulously perfect that it literally can not fail, but you have to let me explain it first.
Jesus Christ!
Speaking of our Lord and Savior, how would you feel about murdering Hamdong in a church?
LAERTES
Yeah I’m good with that.
KING CLAUDIUS
Splendid. Your lust for blood truly knows no bounds.
Now, here’s what’s going to happen when Hamdong returns. I will boast again about what a totally sweet swordsman you are. I’ll lay it on twice as thick as that fuggin Lamond even. Then, because he is a spastic dumski, Hamdong will challenge you to a dual and even allow you to choose swords.
And then you will fuck his butt.
LAERTES
YES! FINALLY!
Also, since dumski Hamdong will be letting me choose swords, I’ll make sure the tip of my blade is dipped in this super deadly poison I just happen to conveniently pick up recently. There’s no known cure for this poison and even a wee scratch will be enough to cause near instant death. And I carry it around with me safely in this handy little container. This stuff exists and is real. Totally. And I have some.
KING CLAUDIUS
Yes, how incredibly convenient. FOR US. Though I believe Hamdong will find it decidedly INconvenient.
Oh and how about this. Just in case our fool proof strategy doesn’t go exactly according to plan, I’ll also drop some poison in Hamdong’s wine, so when he gets thirsty and drinks what he thinks is a cool, refreshing, thirst quenching wine, he’ll really be drinking poison!
Haha! Our plan fucking rules!
Enter QUEEN GERTRUDE
Oh hey Queen Gertie! What’s crappenin?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
More bad news I’m afraid. Laertes, your sister Ophelia is dead.
LAERTES
The fuck?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
She decided to pick some flowers way out on a tree limb that extended over some river. But her fat ass broke the branch and she fell into the stream and drowned.
What was really weird was she was singing the whole time as she drowned, right up to her last gargling breath. And I know this because I guess someone was there to hear her sing but didn’t try to rescue her or anything. Fuggin Danes need to take some swimming lessons, for real.
LAERTES
Ophelia fuckin drowned in a river?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Yup.
LAERTES
This news makes me want to cry. Like a big fat fucking baby man. Wah wah wah. Poor widdle Laertes needs to go change his diapy. Ah boo fucking hoo!
Exit
KING CLAUDIUS
Embarassing. What a woman.
Come on, Trudy, let’s get the fuck out of her so baby man can have himself a nice cry in peace.
Exeunt
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