The Tragedy of Hamdong Act IV Scene IV

SCENE IV. A plain in Denmark.

Enter FORTINBRAS, a Captain, and Soldiers, marching

PRINCE FORTINBRAS
Captain, you will go to the King of Denmark and tell him I desire an audience with him, so that I may request, face-to-face like a man, that I would like march my troops through a part of his kingdom like he said I could. You will do this now and do it quickly because I told you to do so and I am the boss.

Captain
Sir, yes sir.

PRINCE FORTINBRAS
Fuckin right.

Exeunt FORTINBRAS and Soldiers

Enter HAMDONG, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and others

HAMDONG
Whoa, dude, whose army is this?

Captain
Sir, Norway’s sir.

HAMDONG
And what is Norway’s army doing in Denmark?

Captain
Sir, passing by on our way to fuck Poland up, sir.

HAMDONG
Who’s your commanding officer, soldier?

Captain
Sir, Prince Fortinbras sir. The nephew of the king, sir.

HAMDONG
And is the army to topple the entire Polish kingdom or merely claim some portion of it?

Captain
Sir, if I can be honest sir, this whole mission is FUBAR. We’re to take some god forsaken patch of worthless Polish land that you couldn’t pay me farm. Sir, I am of the opinion that this entire operation is completely fucked. Sir.

HAMDONG
Well at least it shouldn’t be heavily defended.

Captain
Actually sir, intel reports there is a shit load of greasy Polack fuckers waiting for us.

HAMDONG
You’re fucking kidding me. Fuckin morons, the both of you. Say that reminds me, what’s the difference between a bucket of dog shit and a Polack? Give up? The bucket.

Anyway, thanks for calling me sir and divulging all these secret military plans to me even though you don’t even know who I am. You truly are an exemplary soldier. That fuckin Fourteenbras should be very proud of you.

Captain
Thank you sir, and good luck to you sir.

Exit

ROSENCRANTZ
Might we be able to get on the fuckin boat now your princeliness?

HAMDONG
Yeah yeah, I’ll be right the fuck with you.

Exeunt all except HAMDONG

Well shit, if twenty thousand Norwegian motherfuckers are willing to fight and die for a worthless hunk of Polish dirt, I really should get off my whiny fucking ass and avenge my father already. If his fuckin ghost is able to escape fucking hell I should at least be able to murder my god damn uncle. AFTER ALL, GOD DIDN’T PUT ME ON EARTH TO BE ANYTHING LESS THAN A REMORSELESS SLAUGHTERING MACHINE.

TIME TO NUT UP OR SHUT UP.

Exit