The Tragedy of Hamdong Act V Scene I

SCENE I. A churchyard.

Enter two Clowns, with spades, & c

First Clown
So what’s this bitch’s deal?

Second Clown
She’s dead. We’re supposed to bury her. Clowns get all the shit jobs, man.

First Clown
This one drowned, right? A suicide?

Second Clown
Uh, no they say it was an accident.

First Clown
While that’s a fat piece of bullshit. She forget how to fucking swim? She drowned in a stream. It’s not like it had piranhas in it. Suicide is all the rage with this rich spoiled brats. It’s the popular thing to do. Come on, I’ve seen Heathers. I know how this shit works. She fucking killed herself.

Second Clown
That’s not what King and Queen say.

First Clown
Fuck those guys. They’re full of it too.

Listen, I'm sure this is how it happened. One of those royal pussies, like that massive vag the prince, was probably waxing all poetical about piercing the veil of life and stepping over to the other side. So this daffy twat gets it in her thick cunty head that taking the easy way out is all the thing to do, like its cool. A move the queer prince probably silently applauded, as if he’d ever have the guts to do it himself. But then the twat’s mom and dad are all embarrassed because what kind of absentee parents does that make them? Where’s the proper parenting for a kid who thinks the great beyond is a better option to the here and now? So they concoct this pathetic lie, this ruse, that we’re all expected to swallow like so many pounds of tripe because, who are we but two insignificant clowns tasked with the burying of rich folk to say otherwise?

Fuck all that bullshit. This sucks a regal cock.

Second Clown
Irregardless we gotta bury her anyway.

First Clown
Irregardless this twat also probably sucked a Roman legion of cocks and still called herself a virgin.

Second Clown
You know I have always thought it was strange that those born with all the money and privilege in the world end up having the most fucked up lives. Its never us clowns you see downing themselves in a lake, and we’ve got all the reasons in the world to end our shitty lives.

First Clown
No fuckin balls, on any of those fancy fuckin aristocratic dipshits.

Come on, let’s make like Napoleon and bury this bitch.

Second Clown
How what that make us like Napoleon?

First Clown
What was Napoleon’s job?

Second Clown
He was a great military general.

First Clown
And what’s more important to a great general, or a dirt shoveling grave digger, than his ‘armies’?

Second Clown
That was fucking terrible, dude.

First Clown
Hey, fuck you. Say that reminds me, whats better than making houses, ships or furniture?

Second Clown
Hanging people?

First Clown
Ah, well you know I hadn’t thought of that one but it’s pretty good. I kinda agree with you. Building shit ain’t got nothin on hanging motherfuckers to death.

No but seriously, answer the question again.

Second Clown
‘Whats better than building houses, ships or furniture?'

First Clown
Yeah, you tell me.

Second Clown
I dunno, what?

First Clown
I said answer asshole!

Second Clown
I already did! I don’t know the fucking answer. It’s your fucking joke. You tell me the god damn punchline. Jesus.

Enter HAMLET and HORATIO, at a distance

First Clown
All right, fuckin relax. I’ll tell you the answer. I doubt you’d ever come up with it anyway, as fuckin dense as you can be sometimes.

Anyway, the answer is graves. They’re more important to make than houses or ships or furniture because baring a zombie apocalypse, graves last forever. So fuck all those construction workers and carpenters. Grave diggin is where its motherfuckin at.

Now, go get me some fuggin beers. I’m fuggin thirsty.

Exit Second Clown

He digs and sings

Whoa-oh oh oooooooh oh
Whoa-oh oh oooooooh oh
Now listen to me baby.
Before I love and leave you.
They call me heartbreaker.
I don’t wanna deceive you.


HAMLET
What the shit is this mud person so fuggin happy about?

HORATIO
He’s probably so used to shoveling dirt all day he doesn’t know any better but to enjoy it.

HAMLET
True, unlike the leisurely class, he’s too busy with his miserable life to have time to stop think about how miserable he’s supposed to be.  

First Clown
[Sings]

If you faaaaaall foooooor meeeeee.
I’m not eeeeeasyyyyyyy to pleeeeease.
Tell you from the start.
Baby smell my fart.
I’m only gonna break break, break break break, your heart.
I’m only gonna break break, break break break, SOME FARRRTS!

Throws up a skull

HAMLET
Christ we’d be better off letting the fucking skull sing.

This knavish grave digging mark ass punk ass bitch ass mark also better watch out, lest he mess with the bones of a person who was more important than him. Like a politician or a priest.

HORATIO
True dat.

HAMLET
But then again, priests and politicians are assholes too. Perhaps bigger assholes than this asshole grave digger.

HORATIO
No doubt. No doubt.

HAMLET
Cause I mean, ultimately, no matter how rich or powerful they were when they were alive, they’re nothing but bones now. Worthless bones. God I wish they were bones like a marijuana joint. Cause then we could smoke them and get high. Absolutely high.

First Clown
[Sings]

Now I may not be the worst or the best but you gotta respect my honesty.
And I might break your heart, but I don’t really think there’s anybody as bomb as me!

This is Ludacris baby Taoi Cruz tell ‘em how you feeeeeel!

Throws up another skull

HAMLET
Great, another fuggin skull. Maybe this one was an asshole lawyer, like Phoenix Wright, ACE ATTORNEY, with his fuckin lawyer papers and billable hours and ERECTIONS YOUR ONION! Time to tort this fuckin grave digger mr law offices of Johnny Cochrane, esquire. If the glove doesn’t fit, you must eat my shit!

Or maybe he was a land developer, like Robert Lindus from Ocean Beach. Maybe he can sing a sad song about an open house on a rainy day. All this dirt is probably comforting to him, since he would buy and sell chunks of earth all day anyway. It probably reminds him of his REAL career as a REALTOR.

HAHA, GOOD ONE I KNOW, RIGHT?

HORATIO
Your a regular Ruth Buzzy standing here, my lord Hamdong.

HAMLET
Say that reminds me, in what quantity do you buy your paper, Horatio?

HORATIO
By the ream my lord.

HAMLET
And if the paper paddler over charges you, you’ll get your butt reamed out, figuratively speaking.

HAHA, lets have clever word play with this fuggin grave digger, shall we?

Hey, garbage person, who’s grave is this?

First Clown
Mine, sir.

Sings

Day by day. Day by day!
See thee more clearly, love thee more dearly.
Oh day by day. Day by day by, day bidet!

HAMLET
Well I think it’s fair to say that you are lying in it. If you get my double meaning, and I think you do.

First Clown
Yes there are two meaning to the word lie, and you employ them both within the same sentence. I’LL BE HONEST YOU JUST BLEW MY FUCKING MIND, DUDE.

HAMLET
Yes, I am astoundingly clever, I know, thank you. Now I would throw another ingenious pun at you, if only people still knew that the word ‘quick’ also means ‘alive’. But what is this, the stone age? No one talks like that anymore, so fuck it.

First Clown
I dunno about that. There is that move by master director, Sam Raimi, the Quick and the Dead. 

HAMLET
Yeah, good point, totally sweet use of an archaic homonym.

So anyway, for what dude do you dig this grave?

First Clown
I DIG... FOR NO DUDE.

HAMLET
Oh, for a lady then?

First Clown
I DIG... FOR NO LADY.

HAMLET
Ah frig, so we’re doing this now. OK, WHO IS GOING TO BE BURIED IN THIS FUCKING GRAVE, ASSHOLE?

First Clown
A corpse is. She used to be a lady, but now she is no more. 

HAMLET
C'MON! NOW YOU’RE JUST BEING DIFFICULT.

Why I outta smack you one, I should. These simple peasant folk need to learn their place. And I’ll learn this pleab, you know I’ll learn him good!

Listen knave, how long have you been digging graves?

First Clown
Ever since our last king Hamdong defeated asshole Fortinbras.

HAMLET
And how long ago was that?

First Clown
What, you don’t know? What kind Dane are you anyway? It was the same year that prince Hamdong was born. That crazy putz that got sent to Angaland.

HAMLET
To England, why was the prince sent there?

First Clown
What am I? His fuckin biographer? Because he went fuckin nuts and the king would rather those assholes deal with him. But it doesn’t matter.

HAMLET
Why not?

First Clown
Because there ain’t no shortage of fucked up crazy folks here in Denmark. One loopy prince the lesser won’t make much of a dent in the crazy quotient round these parts.

HAMLET
And how did prince Hamdong go crazy?

First Clown
Very strangely, or so I hear.

HAMLET
Hah, good one. How strangely?

First Clown
By losing his god damn mind, I assume.

HAMLET
On what grounds do you assume this?

First Clown
The ground right here in Denmark under my feet. I’ve been here my whole life, what other ground could I use?

HAMLET
Yes, another good one. Now tell me, how long might a person might lie in earth before he begins to rot?

First Clown
Shit, man, is there anything you do know?

Ok, well, Ignoring the set up of the words “lie” and “rot”, which could easily be used for yet more witty repartee, I’ll actually answer your question for once. Eight years. Nine years if they’re from the Jersey Shore.

HAMLET
Why an extra year for them?

First Clown
Because of all the tanning, their skin is like fuckin leather and it takes longer to decay. Okay that was terrible, but sometimes when you match wits you get a few stinkers. It happens. 

Anyway, look here, another fuckin skull. I guess we’re running out of space in this graveyard because these skulls are just spilling out all over the god damn place.

HAMLET
Whose skull was it?

First Clown
Some whore’s kid, god who do you think? DUH.

HAMLET
Yeah like I can tell from here.

First Clown
Well I can, it was that fucking asshole, Yorick. Y’know one time this son of a bitch poured a whole flagon of wine on my head. A WHOLE FUCKIN FLAGON. Fuck this piece of shit. King’s jester. Fucking king’s jerkoff more like it.

HAMLET
This skull? Was Yorick?

First Clown
Yes, may he rest in the terrible fiery pits of a hell unlike that which you can even imagine.

HAMLET
Give me that fuggin skull.

Takes the skull

Shit! It is fuckin Yorick! I knew this fuggin guy!

Don’t listen to this asshole grave digger, Horatio. Yorick was a righteous dude. Could crack up a room like no other. Personality plus.

And this is his fuckin skull. God damn it. I used to hear so many jokes come out of this mouth here.

Moves jaw bone up and down.

“Hey, Hamdong, being dead blows, let me tell you. It’s totally not ex’skull’ent!”

Fuck. This is kind of freaking me out, I’ll be honest. Horatio, can I tell you something?

HORATIO
Sure.

HAMLET
You think Alexander the Great ever looked like this?

HORATIO
I was led to believe he also was born with a skull, so yes, I think so.

HAMLET
Yeah, probably. Fuggin stinks too. PEEYEW!

Puts down the skull

HORATIO
Yeah, Alexander the Great’s skull probably also stank.

HAMLET
So I guess Alexander the Great ended up shoved up some pervert’s butt then, huh?

HORATIO
How do you figure that?

HAMLET
Simple, he dies and is buried. His body rots and turns into dirt. Hundreds or even thousands of years later that dirt is scooped up and mixed into cement. That cement is used to craft a fine concrete butt plug, which is purchased and jammed up a dude’s asshole.

I guess that’s where we get the expression, ASSES TO ASSES, DUST TO DUST. AMIRITE, HORATIO? AH HAH HAH HAH! Ahhhhhh, we have fun.

Wait, shut up, here comes the fuggin king.

Enter Priest, & c. in procession; the Corpse of OPHELIA, LAERTES and Mourners following; KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, their trains, & c

And the fuggin queen and a bunch of other assholes? On the way to the graveyard. Come on, lets hide and see what they’re on about.

Retiring with HORATIO

LAERTES
Shall we begin the ceremony?

HAMLET
That’s fuggin Laertes, my dramatic fuggin foil. Check it.

LAERTES
OK so are we doing this or what?

First Priest
We could, but I’m hesitant to give her a proper Christian burial. Because, after all, she was a tremendous slut.

LAERTES
Oh come on, she wasn’t that big of a slut.

First Priest
Dude, you’re her brother. I doubt she blabbed to you about all the dudes she blew but I heard about. Hell I fucked her too. We all did. We ALL fucked your sister Ophelia.

LAERTES
Hey, dude, shut up, that’s my fuckin sister your talking about!

HAMLET
still hiding, to Horatio
It’s true, I also fucked Ophelia!

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Sorry Laertes but everyone knows it. I’ve been up in Ophelia’s sweet poonany as well. No big deal.

Here slut, have some flowers.

Scattering flowers

And I KNOW my son Hamdong has been all up in the them guts.

LAERTES
Enough! Fuck you and motherfuck Hamdong. Ophelia was a saint and I’ll hear no more of your vile, debased lies.

Wait, before you finish burying her, I loved her so much I need to give my dead sister’s corpse one more hug. Because that’s totally normal.

Leaps into the grave

Maybe you should just bury me too! Oh God I will miss you Ophelia!

HAMLET
[Advancing] Jesus Christ, what a little drama queen.

Hey, asshole, make room for Hamdong!

Leaps into the grave

LAERTES
Hamdong you piece of shit!

Grappling with him

HAMLET
Laertes, get your fucking hands off me or I swear to god I will seriously fuck you up.

KING CLAUDIUS
Will someone please pull those two slap dicks apart?

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamdong, please!

All
Harumph harumph harumph

HORATIO
Fuckin quit it already.

The Attendants part them, and they come out of the grave

HAMLET
Let me go! I am Hamdong and I’ve got boner strength! I’ll kill you all!

QUEEN GERTRUDE
My son, a boner for whom?

HAMLET
For Ophelia, duh! My boner for her is huge and unrelenting. A hundred thousand brothers of her will die by the power of this raging hard on.

KING CLAUDIUS
Ignore him, Laertes, he is obviously mental.

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Oh my poor son the mental patient.

HAMLET
I’m not crazy, I’m fucking serious. Oh so it’s OK for this spaz to jump in the fucking grave and scream about how much he loved her, but it’s crazy when I do it? FUCK. THAT. Not only did I love Ophelia more than her retarded brother, LAMErtes, I also fucked her! With my dick! So fuck this phoney motherfucker and his bullshit crying. He doesn’t care. Not like me. Not like someone who’s been balls deep in Ophelia pink!

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamdong, you’re not doing your self any favors in the ‘convince-everyone-I’m-not-crazy’ department.

HAMLET
Whatever. Laertes, you were cool, but now you suck. Fuck this. I’m Hamdong, and I’m outta heeeeeeeere.

Exit

KING CLAUDIUS
Horatio, go after him, make sure he doesn’t do anything crazy.

Anything MORE crazy.

Exit HORATIO

To LAERTES

Don’t worry Laertes, remember what we talked about last night. We’re going to put an end to our little [makes finger quotes] Hamdong problem [end finger quotes]  permanently.

Ok, operation take-Hamdong-out-with-extreme-prejudice to be initiated in T-Miuns one hour. Let’s get ready people.

Exeunt