The Tragedy of Hamdong Act IV Scene I

SCENE I. A room in the castle.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN

KING CLAUDIUS
So what are you all huffy puffy about? Where’s Hamdong?

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Rosensans, Guildenkern: fuck off.

Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

Holy shit I don’t even know where to begin.

KING CLAUDIUS
Why, what’s wrong with that fuggin kid?

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Oh only everything. He’s more mixed up than a bowl of Chex mix.

[pause for laughter]

He comes into my room and hears Polonius behind the curtains so what does he decide to do? Oh, just whip out a fucking sword and stab him to death, no big deal.

KING CLAUDIUS
Are you fucking serious?

God damn it, Ponolius was my favorite sycophant. What the fuck are we supposed to do know? People are going to blame us for this, you know. They’re going to say we should have done something to stop it.

This is such horseshit!

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hey, at least he says he feels bad about it.

KING CLAUDIUS
Well let’s just get him the fuck out of here as soon as possible. Where are those two dildos that are supposed to take him to England? Hey, Guildawhatsit and Rosenface. Get in here!

Re-enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

Hey, your fuggin friend Hamdong is insane. He killed Pomonius and is now trying to hide the body. Go find him and bring the corpse into the chapel. And hurry up god damn it!

Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

Come on Gertrude. Let’s go break the news to everyone about this fuggin crazy prince and what the fuck it is he’s done.

GOD DAMN IT WHY DO ALL THE BAD THINGS IN LIFE HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME?

Exeunt