The Tragedy of Hamdong Act IV Scene III

SCENE III. Another room in the castle.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS, attended

KING CLAUDIUS
God damn this Hamdong. He’s out off control and needs to brought to heel. But he’s adored by the stupid public. And they’re going to get pissed off if it looks like I’m banishing one of their heroes. God damn my subjects.

And you know what the worst thing about all this is? These subjects mean about as much to me as a festering bowl of dog snot. You think I care about the pea-brained yokels of this kingdom? If you took their combined IQ, and multiplied it by hundred, you might have enough intelligence to tie you shoe, if you didn’t drool all over yourself first! I can’t stand those sniveling maggots. They make me want to puke!

Enter ROSENCRANTZ

Oh, dildo, there you are. How’d things go?

ROSENCRANTZ
We found Hamdong but he won’t tell us what he did with Polnius’ dead body.

KING CLAUDIUS
So where’s Hamdong now?

ROSENCRANTZ
The guards have him just outside.

KING CLAUDIUS
Great, bring him in here.

ROSENCRANTZ
Guildenstern! Bring in Prince Hamdong, please!

Enter HAMDONG and GUILDENSTERN

KING CLAUDIUS
Ok Hamdong, where’s Pologeeah?

HAMDONG
At dinner.

KING CLAUDIUS
Dinner? Where?

HAMDONG
At the worm feast, six feet underground. GET IT?


It’s funny, you know, how we, like, eat some chicken, and that chicken has been eating worms, and those worms have been dining on the dead bodies of people.

THE MOTHERFUCKING CIRCLE OF LIFE, RIGHT?

Kings and bums, they all end up as worm food. DELICIOUS WORM FOOD. Oh god the irony gets me hard.

KING CLAUDIUS
GOD DAMN IT, HAMDONG!

HAMDONG
Think about it. A dude goes fishing with a worm, and the worm has been eating a dead king's corpse, and so then the dude eats the fish, the worm AND the king. Holy Jesus I am fully erect!

KING CLAUDIUS
Wow, great story, Hamdong.

HAMDONG
SO I GUESS ALL THE HOMELESS VAGRANTS OF THE KINGDOM ARE SHITTING OUT THE REMAINS OF KINGS AS WE SPEAK, RIGHT? AAAAHH I’M SO HARD RIGHT NOW I COULD FUCK A MAILBOX.

KING CLAUDIUS
Hamdong, please, where is Poloadius?

HAMDONG
I think you’ll be able to find him yourself.

IN HELL.

Hah! But actually if you go by the stairs you should be able to smell him. He’s getting pretty ripe, I gotta say.

KING CLAUDIUS
Dildos who aren’t Rosenbaum and Gildenschwartz: go to the stairs and get Pogrodius’ dead body.

HAMDONG
Take your time, dildos. He ain’t goin nowhere.

Exeunt Attendants

KING CLAUDIUS
Now we need to get you to England as quickly as possible, Hamdong. For your own safety, you need to get on a boat, immediately.

HAMDONG
Fuckin England.

KING CLAUDIUS
Yes, fuckin England
.
HAMDONG
Fabulous.

KING CLAUDIUS
Yes, it is.

HAMDONG
Yes, very fabulous. OK, let’s go to fuckin England. Good bye shit head!

KING CLAUDIUS
Hamdong, don’t call me that, I care for you very much.

HAMDONG
Hey, fuck you. You are a child raping son of a bitch and I hate you.

Now, let’s get to this fucking Angle Land already!

Exit

KING CLAUDIUS
OK dildos. It’s up to you to make sure he gets his crazy fucking ass to England. DO NOT FUCK THIS UP.

Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

And England better do what Denmark says, because England aught to remember that any time Denmark wants, Denmark can fuck England up. SO YOU BETTER DAMN WELL KILL HAMDONG WHEN I TELL YOU TO, FUCKING ENGLAND. AND I’M TELLING YOU TO KILL HAMDONG RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

RECOGNIZE, BITCHES.

Exit