The Tragedy of Hamdong Act IV Scene V

SCENE V. Elsinore. A room in the castle.

Enter QUEEN GERTRUDE, HORATIO, and a Gentleman

QUEEN GERTRUDE
No, I do not want to deal with her right now.

Gentleman
But your majesty, she really is upset. She desperately wants to talk to you.

QUEEN GERTRUDE
What about?

Gentleman
Her father, mostly. Whatever she says will also include a whole lot of babbling crazy talk, but I think mostly she just wants to know about the details regarding her father’s death.

HORATIO
I think it might be worth talking to her, your highness, if for nothing else than to keep her from spreading any rumors that might prove deleterious to the crown, as unfounded as they may be, like for example, that your son Hamdong has gone berserk and stabbed the king’s advisor to death. You know, those types of dangerous and completely erroneous rumors.

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Ok fine, send her in.

Exit HORATIO

Hear I sit all broken hearted,
tried to make peace, things got retarded.
I’ll try my best to hide my guilt,
Though truth and bowels be likely spilt.  

Re-enter HORATIO, with OPHELIA

OPHELIA
Hello beautiful queen of Denmark.

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hello fuckin Ophelia.

OPHELIA
[Sings]
How do you know when true love’s found?
When he wants anal and you’re down.
And when you’re ‘down’ I mean ‘up for it’,
As his cock’s up to push in your shit.

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Wow, Ophelia, you know some nice rhymes.

OPHELIA
Yes, thank you.

Sings

Getting the shaft, again!
Gettin it in the end!

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Wait, by shaft you mean, like, the shaft of a penis right? And not the shaft of a sword? And by getting it in the end you mean like receiving a penis in the anus, and not, like, getting killed? Right?

OPHELIA
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Sings

Ooooooh,
My dad got murdered all night long, doo dah, doo dah.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Well this one’s completely off her tits.

OPHELIA

[Sings]

He got shafted and I don’t mean schlong! Oh doo dah day!

KING CLAUDIUS
Ophelia? How are you feeling, dear?

OPHELIA
I’m feeling well, thank you. Very well. Better than my dead dad anyway!

KING CLAUDIUS
Um, right, that’s good then.

OPHELIA
Let’s not talk any more about my dad, instead let’s talk about how I’m:

Sings

Hot blooded! Check it and see!
I’ve got a fever of a hundred and three!
I want your pud please! All over me!
Shoot your jism on my face and boobies!
I was a maiden! No longer I be!
Cause you’ve taken my virginity!

KING CLAUDIUS
OK Ophelia, we get it.

OPHELIA
Wait, It’s almost over and this is the best part of the song:

Sings

Un skinny bop!
I blew him all day!
Un skinny bop bop!
I want to marry him today!
Un kninny bop bop bop bop
But now he says now way!

Un skinny bop the dude said he’d marry me if I blew him but now says that he won’t marry me because he doesn’t marry sluts that blow dudes so easily! AAAAAAYEEEEE!

KING CLAUDIUS
Wonderful song, Ophelia, we’re all very impressed.

OPHELIA
Good, I’m glad. Anyway, I know you all feel bad about my father being murdered, but you know who is going to feel even worse about it? My brother, Laertes. He get’s CRAZY when shit like that happens.

K THANKS BYE!

Exit

KING CLAUDIUS
Horatio, keep an eye on that daffy slit for me, would you?

Exit HORATIO

Man, when it rains, it pours, doesn’t it? And we are mostly certainly smack dab in the middle of one serious shit storm of epic proportions.

It’s a shame, because I thought Ophelia and Hamdong would make a good couple. But that whole, Hamdong murdering Ophelia’s father thing, has put a damper on that passionate fire.  

And of course Ophelia’s brother, Laertes, is going to be super pissed about all this as well. Probably picked up a rabble rousing mob of support on his way back from France, too. Maybe if fuckin Hamdong had let us bury Polonius properly the people wouldn’t be so upset. Those fuckin peasants just LOVE having their court officials buried properly, those ungrateful sons of bitches.

You know, Gertrude, sometimes this kingdom really sucks.

A noise within

QUEEN GERTRUDE
What was that?

KING CLAUDIUS
Guards! Guards! Go... GUARD the door!

Enter another Gentleman

What, what do you want?

Gentleman
Your highness, fuckin Laertes has broken into the castle with a mob of assholes and they want to make him king. Your highness, they are being fucking dickheads to EVERYONE out there.

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Assholes!

KING CLAUDIUS
God damn it!

Noise within

Enter LAERTES, armed; Danes following

LAERTES
Where is this SO CALLED KING? Out of my way, guards!

Danes
LET US IN! LET US IN!

LAERTES
Let us is in, fuckfaces.

Danes
FUCK YOU GUARDS! FUCK YOU GUARDS!

The guards get out of the way.

LAERTES
Thank you, guards. Now, asshole king, explain to me why my father is dead!

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Calm down, Laertes.

LAERTES
FUCK THAT. I’m not some bastard whoreson standing here. I DEMAND SATISFACTION, BITCHES.

KING CLAUDIUS
Relax, Trudy. Laertes, chill it the fuck out. I’m still the king and I still have the righteous divine will of God on my side. So just tell me what’s gotten you so worked up and we can settle this like gentlemen. What is it, the deal, yo?

LAERTES
Where is my father?

KING CLAUDIUS
Dead.

QUEEN GERTRUDE
But not by Claudius.

KING CLAUDIUS
Trudy, please, let him finish.

LAERTES
Who killed him then? Fuck allegiances! Fuck God! When you fuck with Laertes’ dad you are the one who will be fucked next. And I don’t give a shit who I have I have to fuck to get my revenge. I’ll fucking fuck you all.

KING CLAUDIUS
Just what will it take to give you satisfaction, Laertes?

LAERTES
For starters you can grab your ankles and get ready to get butt fucked straight to hell.

KING CLAUDIUS
So to get revenge for your father’s death, you’re willing to butt fuck everyone here in this room? Literally?

LAERTES
Well, all right, just the people responsible for my father’s death. Those are the ones who will receive the butt fucking of a life time!

KING CLAUDIUS
Might I join you in the butt fucking of those responsible for your father death?

LAERTES
Of course. Anyone who would help me find those responsible can help themselves to as much butt fucking as they desire. Provided I am allowed the first fucking of their butts.

KING CLAUDIUS
Wonderful, because I didn’t have anything to do with your father’s death but I sure would like to find the people who are.

And fuck their butts.

Danes
[Within] FUCK THEIR BUTTS! FUCK THEIR BUTTS!

LAERTES
So whose butt should I be fucking? Show me the butt and I’ll fuck it! I’ll fuck any butt that moves!

Re-enter OPHELIA

Ah, my sister Ophelia. Yours is a butt I shan't be fucking anytime soon.

So, anyway, sucks dick about our dad, huh?

OPHELIA
[Sings]

Dare! Dare to belieeeeeve yoooooou can survive!
You hold the future in your hand!
Dare! Dare to keep aaaaaaaaaall yooooooooour dreams alive!
It's time to take a staaaaaand!
You can win, if you dare!

LAERTES
The inspiring lyrics of Stan Bush are more than enough encouragement I need to seek revenge on our father.

OPHELIA
[Sings]

Baw weep graw naw weep ninny bom.

LAERTES
Duly noted.

OPHELIA
Killian! I live to see you eat that contract, but I hope you leave enough room for my fist, because I’m going to ram it into your stomach, and break your god damn spine!

LAERTES
Ah, the Running Man. A classic tale of revenge. Good one, Ophelia.

OPHELIA
By the way, your royal highnesses, this is for you!

Ophelia moons the king and queen

Sings

Oooohh, little miss, little miss, little miss can’t be wrong!

LAERTES
You have to admit, she almost makes the Spin Doctors bearable.

OPHELIA
[Sings]

My bodys ready, my hearts on fire
Im gonna push it over the wire
Perfect timing, tight as a drum, final battle's already won
Im taking hold of every moment
Given strength by the breath of life (breath of life)
Im gonna stake my claim
I FIGHT TO SURVIVE

kumite (8 times)

Exit

LAERTES
YOU’RE GOING DOWN CHONG LI!

KING CLAUDIUS
Laertes, I feel your pain. I really do. But seriously, before you do anything else, ask around. Ask people you trust. Find out who is ACTUALLY responsible for your father’s death. If you find out that it’s us, I’ll give you the crown myself, right now. Shit I’ll even let you kill me. That’s how serious I am.

But when you find out that it wasn’t us, let us help you seek vengence, because Polonium was a dear friend of mine, and I want to be part of your quest to find your father’s killer and give him the butt fucking to end all butt fuckings. Please, you owe us that chance.

LAERTES
OK fine. But if I find out you’re lying-

KING CLAUDIUS
Then you’ll get what you deserve. But for now, let’s focus on finding your dad's killer and fucking his butt.

Exeunt