The Tragedy of Hamdong Act I Scene II

SCENE II. A room of state in the castle.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, HAMDONG, POLONIUS, LAERTES, VOLTIMAND, CORNELIUS, Lords, and Attendants

KING CLAUDIUS
Attention everyone, I have some expository statements to declare. Ready? OK here goes.


 My brother and former King, called HAMDONG, is totally dead. We all remember him fondly though, because we’re all such nice people here in Denmark. I then married my dead brother’s widow, the queen, but we totally did that in a most tasteful and tactful manner.

Now we can focus our attention on asshole Fortinbras from Norway, who feels strong and wants the land back that we rightfully took from him fair and square.

You, Cornelius, and you Voltimand, are to take these fuckin diplomatic papers to that geezer the King of Norway, uncle to asshole Fortinbras, who I could have sworn Hortatio said my nephew Hamdong killed but I guess is still alive though enfeebled, or something. Whatever. I'm finished with this exposition shit regardless.

CORNELIUS or VOLTIMAND
We’re on the motherfucker.

KING CLAUDIUS
I’m sure you are. So long Voltimand and Cornelius.

Exeunt VOLTIMAND and CORNELIUS

Ok, now, Laertes, what the fuck is up with you? Your dad is a dear friend of mine and an extremely valuable employee. Anything you want is yours to ask for.

LAERTES
Now that I’ve stuck around for your coronation, I’d like to go back to France, from whence I came, your Kinglyness.

KING CLAUDIUS
Is it OK with your dad, Polobios?

LORD POLONIUS
It took a lot of convincing but eventually he said it was fine. So can I go?

KING CLAUDIUS
Yeah, sure. Leave whenever. Have a nice trip!

Now, HAMDONG, my nephew and my son.

HAMDONG
[Aside] This guy is a huge douche bag.

KING CLAUDIUS
Still being a little cranky puss?

HAMDONG
No my King, it’s all sunshine and rainbows for your boy Hamdong.

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hammykins don’t be such a little brat. Smile for your parents. Just because your old dad died doesn’t mean you have be such a downer all the time. You know, the Circle of Life, Dust in the Wind and all that shit.

HAMDONG
Yes, Everything Dies. It’s a great song by Type O Negative. I get it, Mom.

QUEEN GERTRUDE
So what’s the big fucking deal then?

HAMDONG
The deal? Well, let me see. I guess the deal is I’m in a super duper happy fun time mood, and you guys just want to dump all over me and tell me I’m being miserable. Well fine, think what you want but everything is puppy dogs and ice cream as far as I’m concerned.

KING CLAUDIUS
We understand that you are still morning your father, Hamdong, and respecting your elders is all well and good, but you’ve grieved the appropriate amount. You don’t have to be upset about it anymore. Cause really, it’s God’s fault that everyone dies. So if you can’t get over a death in the family what you’re really doing is getting angry with God, and calling God a fucking piece of shit. And I don’t think you want to keep calling God a fucking piece of shit,do you?

Also the more you cry about it the more you look like a little bitch. So quit it already.

QUEEN GERTRUDE
And don’t think about going back to school in Wittenberg, you have to stay here and be a Prince.

HAMDONG
Fine, whatever.

KING CLAUDIUS
Excellent, then it’s settled. I’m so glad we could resolve that amiably. Now that everyone in the country is happy and satisfied we can leave Hamdong in peace. Come on, lets go.

Exeunt all but HAMDONG

HAMDONG
I wish it weren’t a sin to commit suicide, because I very badly want to chug a gallon of Drano and just end this shit right now.

Seriously, everything is totally fucked. My dad is dead less then two month’s before my dickhead Uncle married my mom. Mom, how could you be such a slut! Mom, you are nothing but a whore. A little whore, and a little piece of trash, mom! Disgusting!

God fuck it all!

Enter HORATIO, MARCELLUS, and BERNARDO

HORATIO
Hello my lord Hamdong!

HAMDONG
Oh hey, Whoratio. So good to see you.

HORATIO
Thank you my lord. You honor me with your presence.

HAMDONG
Don’t be such a kiss ass. How are things back in Wittenberg? Oh hey Marsellus.

MARCELLUS
My good lord--

HAMDONG
Shut up Marsellus. Whoratio, whats up with Wittenberg?

HORATIO
It is unworthy of your greatness.

HAMDONG
Oh don’t be an asshole. But seriously, what are you doing here in Castle Elsinore?

HORATIO
I came back for your father’s funeral, of course.

HAMDONG
Bullshit, you came back for my mom’s wedding.

HORATIO
Well, they were pretty much right after each other.

HAMDONG
Tell me about it. The caterers used the same spread for both events. Am I right?

Say, isn’t that my Dad now?

HORATIO
Where, my lord?

HAMDONG
Nope, just a hallucination. Probably just all this pot I’ve been smoking.

HORATIO
I always thought your father was a good king.

HAMDONG
Of all the Kings of Denmark, he was definitely one of them, that’s for sure.

HORATIO
Honestly though, I think I saw him last night.

HAMDONG
Who did you see?

HORATIO
Your father. The King.

HAMDONG
You saw my dead dad?!

HORATIO
For real. Listen for a second and I’ll tell you about it.

HAMDONG
Yes, by all means, please tell me about it.

HORATIO
These two nights watchmen, Marsellius and Bernardzo, twice saw your dad wandering around, all ghost like, in the middle of the night. It scared the fucking piss out of them. I didn’t believe them but last night night I stayed out with them and saw him myself, the fucking ghost of your dead father. My lord.

HAMDONG
Where exactly did you see this ghost?

MARCELLUS
Right there on the platform outside the castle.

HAMDONG
And did you speak to the ghost?

HORATIO
We did. Or at least, we tried. He wouldn’t answer when I talked to him. I think he wanted to but then some fucking crow, er, rooster, I mean, interrupted and then he just up and vanished.

HAMDONG
And how many drugs of you taken? 

HORATIO
None, I swear we were all totally sober and we totally saw the ghost of your dead dad, who used to be the King of Denmark.

HAMDONG
That sounds totally fucked. Who’s got the watch tonight?

MARCELLUS and BERNARDO
We do, my lord.

HAMDONG
You packing heat?
 BERNARDO
We always got that iron on us.

HAMDONG
So you’re both strapped?

MARCELLUS
Got this brand new toast on me right now. We’re both handling some pretty new chrome.

HAMDONG
And you saw my father’s face?

HORATIO
Yes, he was all armoured up but he had his visor raised conveniently so we could identify him.

HAMDONG
Did he look pissed?

HORATIO
More sad than angry.

HAMDONG
Did he at least have a nice tan?

HORATIO
No, he was quite pale I’m afraid.

HAMDONG
That sucks. But he looked at you?

HORATIO
Directly in the eyes.

HAMDONG
I would have liked to have seen my dead father again.

HORATIO
Yes I think you would have enjoyed being haunted by your dead dad’s ghost.

HAMDONG
Clearly. How long did the ghost hang around?

HORATIO
Not long, couple minutes maybe.

MARCELLUS
No, way longer than that, dude.

HORATIO
Not when I was there.

HAMDONG
How did his beard look?

HORATIO
All grizzly and shit. All white too.

HAMDONG
Tonight, I will stay during your watch and try to meet the ghost of my dead father.

HORATIO
I wager he visits again.

HAMDONG
I certainly hope so. Who wouldn’t want to be haunted by the ghostly specter, probably escaped from hell, of your dead father. And by the way, when I try to speak to this monstrous apparition, keep your mouths shut. This will be between me and the demonic phantom of my dad, masquerading as life and mocking all that is good and holy.

OK, see you guys tonight!

All
See you later, Prince Hamdong!

HAMDONG
Yeah, bye already. Sheesh.

Exeunt all but HAMDONG

This is some seriously fucked up shit.

Exit