SCENE IV. The Queen's closet.
Enter
QUEEN MARGARET and POLONIUS
LORD POLONIUS
Hamdong is on his way. Make sure you tell him in no uncertain terms that we are sick and tired of his bullshit and for his own sake he needs to cut it out. Do not mince words, tell him directly.
YOU TELL THAT MOTHERFUCKER WHATS WHAT.
HAMDONG
[Within] Mooooooom!
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Yes, don’t worry, I got this. Now hide already!
POLONIUS hides behind the arras
Enter HAMDONG
HAMDONG
What mom? What is it? What do you want?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamdong, you are being a total dick to your father.
HAMDONG
Mom, you are being a total cunt to my father.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
ExCUSE me?!?
HAMDONG
Excuse YOU!
QUEEN GERTRUDE
What the hell is you problem?
HAMDONG
My problem?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Yes your problem.
HAMDONG
My problem is my whore of a mother married her dead husband’s brother. WHORE.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
I’m not going to sit here and listen to this.
HAMDONG
Oh yes you will. You’re not going anywhere. You’re going to sit right there and look as show you this mirror so you can see what a whore you’ve become. Fucking whore!
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Jesus Christ you HAVE lost your god damn mind.
HELP! HELP! I need help here!
LORD POLONIUS
[Behind] Help! I heard help! I will help!
HAMDONG
[Pulls out sword] The fuck is that? A FUCKING DEAD MAN IS WHAT!
Stabs curtains
LORD POLONIUS
[Behind] Blarg! I am dead!
Falls and dies
QUEEN GERTRUDE
HAMDONG WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?
HAMDONG
I’m, uh, er, not totally sure. There’s a curtain in the way. Was it the king?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?
HAMDONG
What? Kill a king? Least I’m not going to go marry the king’s brother now.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
KILL A KING? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT KILL A KING?!
HAMDONG
I’m talking about how I just got all stabby with this motherfucker. Duh.
Lifts up the curtain and discovers POLONIUS
Shit.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamdong. WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?
HAMDONG
Whoo boy. I really fucked it up, didn’t, I?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
This is pretty much the worst thing ever. Hamdong, how could you?
HAMDONG
Yeah, I really blew it. But you know something, check this out. Here’s a picture of my dad and his brother. His ASSHOLE brother. You forsook this this dashing, handsome man that is my father and decided to shack up with his deceitful, conniving brother. His deceitful, conniving ASSHOLE brother.
So really, who’s the bigger piece of shit here. Me, for accidentally killing this Polomius, or you, for breaking your marriage vows and sending me into such a fury that I mistakenly plunged my sword into Polodium’s guts.
ANYONE WITH HALF A HEART WOULD SAY THAT IT IS YOU WHO ARE FAULT. SO SHAME ON YOU, MOM.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Oh Hamdong, my son, you’re words stab me with the blades of truth. Please stop making me reckon with my demons.
HAMDONG
Well maybe you should have though of that before you let my ASSHOLE uncle stuff you full of his sperms.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
HAMDONG YOU ARE BEING GROSS. PLEASE STOP.
HAMDONG
Oh I’m sorry, does it bother you that I’m bringing to your attention that you’re sleeping with an ASSHOLE? A useless dunderheaded douchebag, pud-gargling, dick-faced, donkey-raping shiteater? A trifling, mark-ass, bitch-ass, cockslap? A fart sniffing, barf brained, booger breathed, poop covered-
QUEEN GERTRUDE
HAMDONG STOP!
HAMDONG
A FUCKING ASSHOLE OF UNEARTHLY MAGNITUDE.
Enter Ghost
Oh, hello again ghost. So nice to see you again.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
GOD DAMN IT HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY MENTAL?
HAMDONG
I suppose you’re probably here about that thing we talked about that I totally said I would do but haven’t quite wrapped up yet. The whole, um, illing-kay your ass-way, ole-hay, other-bray?
Ghost
Yeah you should totally still do that. Most definitely. But also talk to you mother. She’s understandably in a pretty weird place right now and it may be a good time for you to sort things out.
HAMDONG
Right, um, so, MOM, how are you doing?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Why don’t you tell me how you are, and why you’re talking to ghosts, and why your hair is standing straight up like fresh bean sprouts in a pile of manure?
HAMDONG
Whatever mom. All that kind of talk is going to get you is one royally pissed of ghost.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamdong: what, the fuck, are you talking about?
HAMDONG
You don’t see the ghost?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
No. I see nothing. Except everything there is to see which definitely does not include a ghost.
HAMDONG
And you don’t hear the ghost?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
No, Hamdong. I don’t hear the ghost.
HAMDONG
Wait, seriously, look over there! The ghost is leaving. Quickly, watch him before he goes back to hell!
Exit Ghost
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamdong you are either completely bonkers or very good at acting crazy.
HAMDONG
Whatever mom! Listen, don’t worry about my craziness. Even if I am nuts, it’s only a veneer, the tender flakey crust to my moist and cakey and utterly dilapidated and corroded inner soul. More important is that you somehow repent for all your awfulness and redeem YOUR eternal soul.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
You’re breaking my heart, Hamdong.
HAMDONG
Good, fuck your shitty heart. Throw it out and get a new one that isn’t so rancid and moldy and covered in VD. Just whatever you do, don’t sleep with my ASSHOLE uncle tonight. I mean try not acting like a total whore for once in your life, will you?
Anyway, I’ll get rid of this dude.
Pointing to POLONIUS
I feel bad but, oh well, shit happens, am I right?
And sorry to keep calling you a whore, but, well, you are one, and it’s better to be honest and cruel then lie and let you keeping thinking you’re something better than common street trash.
So good night, hooker.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
That’s it? You’re just going to leave it at that?
HAMDONG
Yeah, fuck it. Go ahead and tell that ASSHOLE husband of yours I’m plotting my revenge against him. Fuck him. He can suck my princely schlonger.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamdong I’m not going to tell anyone about any of these.
HAMDONG
Yeah, mom, WHATEVER. Also, I guess I’m going to England now, right?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Oh right, I forgot we decided to send you there.
HAMDONG
Yeah, with those two doofuses Rosenclomps and Gildenborg. Well, fine, thats just fine. I’ll go to fucking England with those fucking dildos. Grand, wonderful. A real treat for all three of us. And maybe I’ll kill THOSE TWO just like I killed THIS GUY. But don’t worry, I’ll still drag Pullodia’s dead corpse out of here so you don’t have to sleep next to a dead dude. Come on dead asshole Polomium. GOODNIGHT FUGGIN MOM.
Exeunt severally; HAMDONG dragging in POLONIUS
LORD POLONIUS
Hamdong is on his way. Make sure you tell him in no uncertain terms that we are sick and tired of his bullshit and for his own sake he needs to cut it out. Do not mince words, tell him directly.
YOU TELL THAT MOTHERFUCKER WHATS WHAT.
HAMDONG
[Within] Mooooooom!
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Yes, don’t worry, I got this. Now hide already!
POLONIUS hides behind the arras
Enter HAMDONG
HAMDONG
What mom? What is it? What do you want?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamdong, you are being a total dick to your father.
HAMDONG
Mom, you are being a total cunt to my father.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
ExCUSE me?!?
HAMDONG
Excuse YOU!
QUEEN GERTRUDE
What the hell is you problem?
HAMDONG
My problem?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Yes your problem.
HAMDONG
My problem is my whore of a mother married her dead husband’s brother. WHORE.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
I’m not going to sit here and listen to this.
HAMDONG
Oh yes you will. You’re not going anywhere. You’re going to sit right there and look as show you this mirror so you can see what a whore you’ve become. Fucking whore!
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Jesus Christ you HAVE lost your god damn mind.
HELP! HELP! I need help here!
LORD POLONIUS
[Behind] Help! I heard help! I will help!
HAMDONG
[Pulls out sword] The fuck is that? A FUCKING DEAD MAN IS WHAT!
Stabs curtains
LORD POLONIUS
[Behind] Blarg! I am dead!
Falls and dies
QUEEN GERTRUDE
HAMDONG WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?
HAMDONG
I’m, uh, er, not totally sure. There’s a curtain in the way. Was it the king?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?
HAMDONG
What? Kill a king? Least I’m not going to go marry the king’s brother now.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
KILL A KING? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT KILL A KING?!
HAMDONG
I’m talking about how I just got all stabby with this motherfucker. Duh.
Lifts up the curtain and discovers POLONIUS
Shit.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamdong. WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?
HAMDONG
Whoo boy. I really fucked it up, didn’t, I?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
This is pretty much the worst thing ever. Hamdong, how could you?
HAMDONG
Yeah, I really blew it. But you know something, check this out. Here’s a picture of my dad and his brother. His ASSHOLE brother. You forsook this this dashing, handsome man that is my father and decided to shack up with his deceitful, conniving brother. His deceitful, conniving ASSHOLE brother.
So really, who’s the bigger piece of shit here. Me, for accidentally killing this Polomius, or you, for breaking your marriage vows and sending me into such a fury that I mistakenly plunged my sword into Polodium’s guts.
ANYONE WITH HALF A HEART WOULD SAY THAT IT IS YOU WHO ARE FAULT. SO SHAME ON YOU, MOM.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Oh Hamdong, my son, you’re words stab me with the blades of truth. Please stop making me reckon with my demons.
HAMDONG
Well maybe you should have though of that before you let my ASSHOLE uncle stuff you full of his sperms.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
HAMDONG YOU ARE BEING GROSS. PLEASE STOP.
HAMDONG
Oh I’m sorry, does it bother you that I’m bringing to your attention that you’re sleeping with an ASSHOLE? A useless dunderheaded douchebag, pud-gargling, dick-faced, donkey-raping shiteater? A trifling, mark-ass, bitch-ass, cockslap? A fart sniffing, barf brained, booger breathed, poop covered-
QUEEN GERTRUDE
HAMDONG STOP!
HAMDONG
A FUCKING ASSHOLE OF UNEARTHLY MAGNITUDE.
Enter Ghost
Oh, hello again ghost. So nice to see you again.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
GOD DAMN IT HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY MENTAL?
HAMDONG
I suppose you’re probably here about that thing we talked about that I totally said I would do but haven’t quite wrapped up yet. The whole, um, illing-kay your ass-way, ole-hay, other-bray?
Ghost
Yeah you should totally still do that. Most definitely. But also talk to you mother. She’s understandably in a pretty weird place right now and it may be a good time for you to sort things out.
HAMDONG
Right, um, so, MOM, how are you doing?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Why don’t you tell me how you are, and why you’re talking to ghosts, and why your hair is standing straight up like fresh bean sprouts in a pile of manure?
HAMDONG
Whatever mom. All that kind of talk is going to get you is one royally pissed of ghost.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamdong: what, the fuck, are you talking about?
HAMDONG
You don’t see the ghost?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
No. I see nothing. Except everything there is to see which definitely does not include a ghost.
HAMDONG
And you don’t hear the ghost?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
No, Hamdong. I don’t hear the ghost.
HAMDONG
Wait, seriously, look over there! The ghost is leaving. Quickly, watch him before he goes back to hell!
Exit Ghost
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamdong you are either completely bonkers or very good at acting crazy.
HAMDONG
Whatever mom! Listen, don’t worry about my craziness. Even if I am nuts, it’s only a veneer, the tender flakey crust to my moist and cakey and utterly dilapidated and corroded inner soul. More important is that you somehow repent for all your awfulness and redeem YOUR eternal soul.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
You’re breaking my heart, Hamdong.
HAMDONG
Good, fuck your shitty heart. Throw it out and get a new one that isn’t so rancid and moldy and covered in VD. Just whatever you do, don’t sleep with my ASSHOLE uncle tonight. I mean try not acting like a total whore for once in your life, will you?
Anyway, I’ll get rid of this dude.
Pointing to POLONIUS
I feel bad but, oh well, shit happens, am I right?
And sorry to keep calling you a whore, but, well, you are one, and it’s better to be honest and cruel then lie and let you keeping thinking you’re something better than common street trash.
So good night, hooker.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
That’s it? You’re just going to leave it at that?
HAMDONG
Yeah, fuck it. Go ahead and tell that ASSHOLE husband of yours I’m plotting my revenge against him. Fuck him. He can suck my princely schlonger.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamdong I’m not going to tell anyone about any of these.
HAMDONG
Yeah, mom, WHATEVER. Also, I guess I’m going to England now, right?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Oh right, I forgot we decided to send you there.
HAMDONG
Yeah, with those two doofuses Rosenclomps and Gildenborg. Well, fine, thats just fine. I’ll go to fucking England with those fucking dildos. Grand, wonderful. A real treat for all three of us. And maybe I’ll kill THOSE TWO just like I killed THIS GUY. But don’t worry, I’ll still drag Pullodia’s dead corpse out of here so you don’t have to sleep next to a dead dude. Come on dead asshole Polomium. GOODNIGHT FUGGIN MOM.
Exeunt severally; HAMDONG dragging in POLONIUS
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