SCENE IV. The platform.
Enter HAMDONG, HORATIO, and MARCELLUS
HAMDONG
It’s fucking cold.
HORATIO
Fuck yes it is.
HAMDONG
What time is it?
HORATIO
Almost twelve.
HAMDONG
Great.
HORATIO
Ghost should be rolling along shortly, if he sticks to his habit.
A flourish of trumpets blare and guns are shot off
What the shit is that all about?
HAMDONG
That fat fuck the king is up late boozing. He likes to have trumpets and cannon fire while he gets his drink on. Part of the celebration.
HORATIO
He does this often?
HAMDONG
Yep. If you haven’t noticed yet, the king is a total dickhead. And he makes our whole country look like a dickhead by extension. And all us dudes who were born here through no fault of our own can’t help but look like dickheads too. So here we are, one great big nation of dickheads, lead by the biggest dickhead in the universe.
HORATIO
Whatever you say my lord.
Holy shit it’s the ghost!
Enter Ghost
HAMDONG
Fuck me you’re right! And it looks like my Dad, the dead King of Denmark, back from hell! Ok fucking ghost, lets go have a chat, see what the fuck you’re all about. Hopefully you’re not an evil ghost. But even if you are, whatever.
Ghost beckons HAMDONG
HORATIO
I guess you get to go have a conversation with the ghost of your dead dad now, Hamdong. Have fun!
MARCELLUS
I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
HORATIO
Yeah that’s actually probably a pretty terrible idea.
HAMDONG
Fuck that. If that fucking ghost wants to talk over them hills then I’ma go over those fuckin hills and talk to this fuckin ghost.
HORATIO
No, seriously, do not do that.
HAMDONG
Why not, because it’s going to damn my immortal soul to hell? OOoooh, big scawee ghost is gonna steal my soul, oh please not my immowtal soul!
Pussy.
HORATIO
Well what if it leads you right off a cliff? Or worse, drives you completely insane? Come on, for real, don’t follow that fucking ghost.
HAMDONG
I’m going, motherfucker.
MARCELLUS
No, you fucking aren’t!
HAMDONG
Get. The fuck. Off me.
HORATIO
No dude, we’re not letting you go.
HAMDONG
I swear to christ, if you fuckers don’t let go of me I will fucking kill you, then kill your fucking ghosts. Now get it the fuck out of my way. NOW.
After you, ghost.
Exeunt Ghost and HAMDONG
HORATIO
I think he’s lost god damn mind.
MARCELLUS
Yes, he’s clearly bonkers. Come on, let’s follow the loopy bastard, make sure he doesn’t hurt himself somehow.
HORATIO
What do you think all these means, anyway?
MARCELLUS
That Denmark is right and truly fucked.
HORATIO
No doubt.
MARCELLUS
Whelp, let’s go fuck this chicken.
Exeunt
Enter Ghost
HAMDONG
Fuck me you’re right! And it looks like my Dad, the dead King of Denmark, back from hell! Ok fucking ghost, lets go have a chat, see what the fuck you’re all about. Hopefully you’re not an evil ghost. But even if you are, whatever.
Ghost beckons HAMDONG
HORATIO
I guess you get to go have a conversation with the ghost of your dead dad now, Hamdong. Have fun!
MARCELLUS
I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
HORATIO
Yeah that’s actually probably a pretty terrible idea.
HAMDONG
Fuck that. If that fucking ghost wants to talk over them hills then I’ma go over those fuckin hills and talk to this fuckin ghost.
HORATIO
No, seriously, do not do that.
HAMDONG
Why not, because it’s going to damn my immortal soul to hell? OOoooh, big scawee ghost is gonna steal my soul, oh please not my immowtal soul!
Pussy.
HORATIO
Well what if it leads you right off a cliff? Or worse, drives you completely insane? Come on, for real, don’t follow that fucking ghost.
HAMDONG
I’m going, motherfucker.
MARCELLUS
No, you fucking aren’t!
HAMDONG
Get. The fuck. Off me.
HORATIO
No dude, we’re not letting you go.
HAMDONG
I swear to christ, if you fuckers don’t let go of me I will fucking kill you, then kill your fucking ghosts. Now get it the fuck out of my way. NOW.
After you, ghost.
Exeunt Ghost and HAMDONG
HORATIO
I think he’s lost god damn mind.
MARCELLUS
Yes, he’s clearly bonkers. Come on, let’s follow the loopy bastard, make sure he doesn’t hurt himself somehow.
HORATIO
What do you think all these means, anyway?
MARCELLUS
That Denmark is right and truly fucked.
HORATIO
No doubt.
MARCELLUS
Whelp, let’s go fuck this chicken.
Exeunt
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