PROLOGUE
Fuckin Chorus
Chorus
I don’t know what we’re supposed to tell you here. After one brief conversation and two quick smooches, Romeo and Juliet are now aparently hopelessly in love with each other. I’m sure everything is going to work out for those two love birds and they’ll both live happily ever after. In hell.
So yeah, this second act prologue is entirely useless. I don’t know why it’s here either! It's probably why none of the other three acts have one! OK well, on with the fuggin show!
Exit
SCENE I. A lane by the wall of Capulet's fuckin orchard.
Enter ROMEO
ROMEO
So let’s see, I can risk near certain death by jumping over this wall and into the Capulet’s orchard in the slim hope that I find Juliet undetected and just maybe get a little poonany out of it. Or, I can stay on this side of the wall with pretty much no chance of dying but definitely no chance of getting laid. [pauses to consider] Looks like I’ll be leaping over that fuckin wall.
He climbs the fuckin wall and leaps down to the other side
Enter BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO
BENVOLIO
Hey! Romeo! Where are you going?
MERCUTIO
Probably going to bed just like a little baby.
BENVOLIO
But he doesn’t live in the Capulet’s orchard! Try calling him!
MERCUTIO
Get off my sack, BENVOLIO. And get off Romeo’s while you’re at it. The only thing that’s gonna to make him want to hang out with you right now is if your dick fell off and Rosaline's vagina grew in where your balls used to hang.
BENVOLIO
Don’t be mean. Romeo’s going through a tough time and we should be good friends to him.
MERCUTIO
I am being a good friend, man, I’m trying to help. If I wanted to be mean I’d go over to Rosaline’s house right now and bang the shit out of her. Cause I don’t buy this celibate routine of hers neither. She’s just being a bitch. And so is Romeo.
BENVOLIO
Shut up, Mercurio. Help me look me look for him in these trees.
MERCUTIO
These trees here? With the fruits that looks like little vaginas? Hah, Romeo would be in there, because the only ass he’s getting tonight is off of one of them pussy pears. Ha ha ha. Come on, man, lets get the fuck out of this fuckin place.
BENVOLIO
sigh. Yeah fine let’s go. If Romeo doesn’t want to hang out then there’ no point in us finding him anyway.
Exeunt
SCENE V. A hall in Capulet's fuckin house.
Musicians waiting. Enter Peter with fuckin napkins
Peter
Where is Potpan? His name is Potpan, he supposed to take care of the pots, we have dirty pots, he’s not here. The fuck?! It’s not that fucking difficult!
Second Servant
Chores get backed up when there are only two of here that know what we are doing.
Peter
Good to know I’m not the only fucking slave in the house. Buddy, I need you to clear off those tables, move those stools back to where they belong, clean up that fucking shit over there, and for the love of christ can you please go find that asshole Potpan for me?
Second Servant
No problem.
Peter
Wonderful, thanks buddy. Also they need you in the banquet hall. They’ve been yelling for you for fucking hours.
Second Servant
Okay no problem, I’ll just go clone myself so I can be two places at once. [under breath] Fuckin jagov.
Enter CAPULET, with JULIET and others of his house, meeting the Guests and Maskers and shit
CAPULET
Ah! Friends! Ladies, Gentlemen, those of indeterminate sex and those who fall somewhere in between - you are all welcome! Come in, come in, enjoy yourselves! ITS A CELEBRATION VERONANS!
Music plays, and they fuckin dance
Ah, cousin and fellow Capulet, sit with me, I am exhausted! It’s been too long since we’ve had a spectacle such as this and I have difficulty keeping up with the young folk. How many years has it been since our last get together?
Second Capulet
Oh, I’d say going on thirty years.
CAPULET
What? No. Not that long. We were just at Lucentio’s wedding where we all danced the night away!
Second Capulet
Yes, and Lucentio now has a son who is thirty years old.
CAPULET
OK so we're old, let's not dwell on it.
ROMEO
[To Peter] Hey, friend, can you tell me who that girl is over there? The one with the bodacious ta-tas? [holds two invisible boobs]
Peter
Sorry chief, I’m a little busy right now. But I’ll come back a little later and we can pound brew dogs and check out the trim then. [under breath] Fuckin jagov.
ROMEO
Fuck.... She is gorgeous. I would punch my mother in the face to have five minutes with her. I would give up one of my nuts and all of my foreskin for only 30 seconds of dry humping. This may be just my boner talking but I swear I would eat a mountain of her shit just to see where it came from. If at any moment in my life I ever thought there was another girl even remotely as attractive as her then I was clearly fucked up at the time. Holy shit I am rock hard. My bellend is clanging against my codpiece like a motherfucker.
TYBALT
Who the fuck? Well, suck my balls if it isn’t that dickhole, Romeo. Soon to be fucking dead dickhole Romeo. Slave, get my sword, I’m going to stab a shit ton of holes in this fucker.
CAPULET
Whoa, Tybalt, where do you think you’re going?
TYBALT
To kill that fucking Montague dead, with my sword, straight up his ass!
CAPULET
Who, Romeo?
TYBALT
Yes, the piece of dickless shit, Romeo.
CAPULET
Please, I know Romeo. He’s a harmless melancholy geek. Do not worry about Romeo. In fact, we should be so lucky that he takes over the Montague family one day. An incompetent like that in charge will bring nothing but good fortune to us. Now stop trying to ruin the party and calm down.
TYBALT
I got a better idea: how about I fucking end Romeo’s life.
CAPULET
No I have a better idea: YOU SIT DOWN, AND CHILL OUT. And if you want to further challenge my authority in my own house, I suggest you do it from beyond the city walls where I’ll have you banished before you have the chance draw another insolent breath to curse a guest of mine.
TYBALT
Well that’s just a real fuckin shame.
CAPULET
Indeed. And when you run your own family you can throw your own party and stab as amny of your guests as you like. Now remove yourself from my presence, I tire of your boastful prattling. It’s time crank up the tunes and rock this party!
TYBALT
You got lucky this time, fuckin Romeo. But next time I see you, I am so gonna murder the shit out of you.
Exit
ROMEO
[To JULIET]
Hey, you have really nice hands. Wanna make out?
JULIET
Um, I dunno, maybe?
ROMEO
Hey girl, I’ll be your priest if you’ll be my altar boy.
JULIET
Uh, are you saying you wanna defrock me?
ROMEO
No, I wanna frock you all night long.
JULIET
Well... you should know, I’ve never been frocked before.
ROMEO
Don’t worry, I know how to frock girls who are frocking for the first time.
[they make out]
JULIET
Oh my god you’re like, a really good kisser.
ROMEO
I know right? Like check this out.
[they make out again]
JULIET
...um, so like, do you wanna get out of here? Or something?
Nurse
JULIET! I FOUND YOU BABY! Your mom’s looking for you. So go!
ROMEO
Huh? Seriously lady? Who’s her mother anyway?
Nurse
OH HELLO THERE SIR. You must be a close friend of the family to not know that she is the daughter of the Lord and Lady of the House Capulet. AH DUH! Try knowing something besides nothing why don’t you!
ROMEO
Capulet’s daughter? Fuuuuuuuck...
BENVOLIO
Hey Romeo did you see us out there? We totally rocked out! It was AWESOME! So listen, we gotta go, the Capulet’s aren’t going to want around much longer.
ROMEO
Fuuuuuuu - ok fine!
CAPULET
Wait, where is everybody going? There is so much more partying to be done and I can not do it all by myself. Also I - wait what time is it? OK yes, thank you for coming everyone. You all partied most excellently. Splendid performance. Now if you’ll excuse me I believe I shall go pass out.
Exeunt all but JULIET and Nurse
JULIET
Hey, Nurse, who is that guy over there?
Nurse
NURSE UP IN THIS BEATCH! That’d be Tiberio’s kid. I’ll bet my tits on it.
JULIET
No I mean the one leaving like, right now.
Nurse
THA NURSE IS ON THA MUTHAFUCKA. That’s totally Petrucio and these tits are for real.
JULIET
Oh my god, how much have you had to drink? I mean who’s that guy over there? The one that didn’t dance at all?
Nurse
IF YOU AIN’T NURSIN FROM MY TIT THAN I CAN HAVE SOME MORE TO DRINK. [chugs wine] Yeah I don’t know that guy.
JULIET
Go ask him his name. But don’t tell him it’s for me. But let me know if he asks about me. But don’t tell him I want to know if he asked about me. Just don’t tell him anything. Just, go get his name.
...
Go! Now!
Nurse
[Runs after Romeo. Quickly speaks. Runs back.] I DID IT. I DID IT. I FOUND OUT HIS NAME AND HIS NAME IS ROMEO AND HIS DAD IS MONTAGUE AND I’LL HAVE ALL THEIR TITS ARE FOR ME. [Barfs]
JULIET
Ew sick! Also, Nurse, gross. But seriously that suuuuucks! I find true love that I’m pretty sure is totally real and he happens to be the son of my dad’s like, biggest enemy in the world. Ugh! That is just so typical.
Nurse
Huh? What? Titsicle?
JULIET
Nevermind. It’s nothing. Go milk yourself.
Someone calls for 'Juliet.'
Nurse
I’ll milk you! Come on, let’s go. Party’s over. NOTHING TO TITS HERE.
Exeunt
SCENE IV. A street.
Enter ROMEO, MERCUTIO, BENVOLIO, with five or six Maskers, Torch-bearers, and shit
ROMEO
So what are we just going to barge into this party we weren’t invited to? Do we have a plan or anything?
BENVOLIO
Yes dude! We’re going to jam onto the scene and impress everyone with our rad dance moves! They’re going to love us! I can’t wait you guys!
ROMEO
Yeah I’m out. Fuck that I’m not doing any of it. See you guys later.
MERCUTIO
Fuck that Romeo, you are in dude. You’re fucking in and that’s fuckin that!
ROMEO
Dude, come on. I still feel shitty about the whole Rosaline thing. I don’t need to go tap dancing like a jerk off in front of her and the rest of those Capulet assholes.
MERCUTIO
I said you’re fucking in Romeo so you’re fucking in. FUCK Rosaline. She is a fucking CUNT.
ROMEO
Whoa, relax dude. I may be depressed on account of my unrequited love, but I still love her nonetheless. So cool it with the c word.
MERCUTIO
Romeo, man, you need to totally UNFUCK yourself from this pathetic FUNK you’re in, because it is totally FUCKING with our evening.
ROMEO
Oh, I’m sorry, you have really big plans for tonight?
MERCUTIO
FUCK yes I do. And your whiny bitch ass sure as SHIT isn’t going to ruin them. FUCK love and FUCK Rosaline. I’m sorry I called her a cunt but you need to put that BITCH in her place, man. Now give me one of those masks and lets get our FUCKING party on.
BENVOLIO
Yeah come on guys! Listen to Murryo! Lets go, this is going to be so sweet!
ROMEO
All right whatever I’ll go. But I’m not dancing. You all look retarded and I don't want to be associated with you.
MERCUTIO
Fine then, be a little BITCH. Our dance moves are going to clean up at this party. I can already hear the panties dropping. Specially once I bust out the ‘automatic leg spreader’! I’m gonna be all like AAUUUUGH! AUH AUH AUH!
ROMEO
Dude, how much drugs are you on?
MERCUTIO
LOTS! So let’s go ladies, you’re wasting my gnar!
ROMEO
This is such a dumb idea.
MERCUTIO
Yeah? Why?
ROMEO
Oh I dunno, maybe because we’re about crash the party of my dad’s mortal enemy like a bunch of screaming mask-wearing maniacs?
MERCUTIO
Do more drugs and you’ll feel a lot better about the whole thing.
ROMEO
That’s okay thanks.
MERCUTIO
Your loss my man.
ROMEO
I doubt that.
MERCUTIO
No listen, what you need is a visit from Queen Mab.
BENVOLIO
Queen Mab? Hey Mecurio, who’s she?
MERCUTIO
Well listen up and I'll tell you. Queen Mab, is like, this fucking, like, fairy godmother, except WAY more fucked up and psychotic. And she doesn’t give a FUCK. She’ll ride right up your fucking nose and into your brain and fucking fry your fuckin dome piece, man. And she couldn’t give a SHIT. And she has this, like, chariot, a tiny chariot, because she’s real tiny, but she still hits like a motherfucker. And her chariot is pulled by these, like, tiny little gremlins, like these demons. And it’s made out of, like, insect bones and spider guts and fucking nightmares. And she makes you do shit, man. Queen Mab gets in your head and she fucking takes over. And if you ever like, oversleep for an appointment or forget about an important meeting or like drink too much and fall over or piss yourself or punch your girlfriend in the face, THATS fucking Queen Mab. And she does NOT care if she ruins your fucking day. She fucking cares NOT. And if you’re like, beating off, and it’s going fine, and everything’s fine, but then some totally weird shit POPS into your head and you’re like, where the FUCK did that come from? That’s fucking Queen Mab! Like you’re cranking one out and then all sudden you see your sister in the shower and she’s like, hey what are you doing here, and you’re like, oh sorry I didn’t see you there, and she’s like, duh, the showers running, and you’re like, yeah, I can see that now, and then Queen Mab tells you to like, pull back the curtain-
ROMEO
ALL RIGHT MERCUTIO THAT’S ENOUGH! WE GET IT. Queen Mab, good story, awesome. I’ll have to remember that next time I feel like losing my god damn mind.
MERCUTIO
You’re not going to lose your mind, man, you’re gonna fucking find it. And I don’t care what you say because Queen Mab is fucking real man. I fucking KNOW this.
BENVOLIO
Guys, Mercuro, come one, we gotta go! If we don’t go now we’re going to miss the party!
ROMEO
Yeah fine, let’s get this over with. Even though I kind of have a bad feeling about tonight, like it’s going to somehow set into motion a chain of events that is going to totally destroy me and everyone I love within a week. But whatever, probably just Queen Mab, right?
BENVOLIO
Yeah whatever, let’s go!
Exeunt
SCENE III. A room in Capulet's fuckin house.
Enter LADY CAPULET and Nurse
LADY CAPULET
Nurse, go get Juliet, please.
Nurse
By my tits it will be done, m’lady. Juliet! Sweetie! Lamb! Where are you my dear?
Enter JULIET
JULIET
Yes, what is it?
Nurse
Your mother needs you, sugar plum.
JULIET
Mother?
LADY CAPULET
Yes, one moment. Nurse. Get out. Now, Juliet, um... hold on. Nurse. Get back here. Help me out, Juliet is.... only....
Nurse
Five and a half feet tall, m’lady!
LADY CAPULET
No. Her age. Juliet is only...
Nurse
On my tits she has but thirteen years!
LADY CAPULET
Yes. Thank you, not yet fourteen.
Nurse
Yes that’s right. I remember well, as both Juliet and my own sweet daughter Susan were born on the same year. There was an earthquake sometime before that, and not from the shaking going on in my bed if you know what I mean. And what I mean is a lot sex with my husband. Of course, my lovely husband and dear sweet Susan both died. My darlings are up in heaven now, looking down on me, and down my blouse, and at my tits. But both Juliet and Susan were two little piggies when it came to sucking on my titties. My nips were stiff as corks and sore for days because of those wolves! Ah, but no more titty for you, right honey bun? It’s been years since your mouth was sucking these heavy hangers!
LADY CAPULET
Yes thank you nurse! That will be all!
Nurse
Yes, of course, m’lady. I just can’t get over how many years it’s been. Though I bet sweet virginal Juliet won’t be so virtuous much longer, will see? It’s about time she finds a young gentlemen to enter her-
JULIET
OH MY GOD NURSE STOP IT.
Nurse
Ah they get so sensitive when they reach puberty. Once they start their period its all, ‘Nurse stop you’re embarrassing me!’ But you’ll be married soon enough and then there’ll be no more nurse to embarrass you anymore.
LADY CAPULET
YES! Good topic! Marriage! Juliet, how do you feel about marriage?
JULIET
Um, sounds OK I guess.
Nurse
Just OK? The institution of holy matrimony is both an honor and a privilege! I swear, sometimes I feel like you sucked absolutely no wisdom from my tits!
LADY CAPULET
Yes marriage isn’t so bad, Juliet. In fact, when I was your age I was already happily married to your father. And pregnant! Now you have the opportunity to accept the overtures of the valiant Count Paris, cousin to our own Prince of Verona.
Nurse
Ooh that Paris is like something cut out of marble!
LADY CAPULET
I believe he works out, yes.
Nurse
I’d like to give him a workout, if you know what I mean. And I mean intercourse.
LADY CAPULET
Yes, that was quite obvious, nurse. So tonight, during this little soiree your father is throwing, you can feast your eyes on all the noble beauty of Paris. As we’ve been saying, he’s very attractive, so you don’t have to worry about anything in the looks department. And you may not realize this because your father and I love you very much and can’t help but to spoil you, but securing a husband of considerable means and wealth is crucial for any young girl’s future happiness. Luckily for you Paris and his family reeks both of riches and power.
Nurse
He’s hot and loaded my little muppet, what else do you need to know?
LADY CAPULET
So, will you accept the tender entreaty of the Count?
JULIET
I mean, yeah, sure. If everything goes well at the party and he’s all hot and rich like you say he is then, like, yeah, sure.
Enter a fuckin servant
Servant
Pardon me m’lady, but I am to inform you that the guests are here, dinner is served, Juliet has been asked for and someone in the kitchen called the nurse a fat breasted hooker with a penis.
LADY CAPULET
Thank you slave. Now disappear.
Exit Servant
Juliet, look nice for Paris, would you?
Nurse
Come with me angel, and we’ll get you looking nice and busty for the Count.
Exeunt
SCENE II. A fuckin street.
Enter CAPULET, PARIS, and fuckin Servants
CAPULET
As long as Montague is bound by the same terms as I, we should be able to keep the peace. We really are getting too old for these kinds of things. We should be luxuriating and enjoying our autumnal years, not bickering with each other like children.
PARIS
It is a shame your honorable families have been at odds for so long. I’m sure you’ll work it all out though. Now, have you had time to consider my earlier proposal?
CAPULET
I have, and my opinion remains unchanged. Despite your obvious qualities as a gentlemen, my daughter is not yet fourteen, and still too young to be married, even to man of such distinguished caliber as yourself. In two years she will be mature enough to make you a good wife. Now though she is still yet a child.
PARIS
Children often make the best wives and mothers.
CAPULET
That’s... gross, and also children’s lives are sometimes ruined by marrying too young. Very rarely does someone regret marrying too late. But I’ll tell you what, Paris, you go ahead and hit on my thirteen year old daughter, and if she’s into you, you have my blessing. But I can’t consent to anything unless you genuinely win her approval. Come to our party tonight. Even though it’s starting in a few hours I still haven’t sent out invitations yet, and I would be honored to count you as one of our guests. It should be a splendid occasion and you’ll have ample opportunity to chat up my barely teenage daughter.
To Peter, giving him a fuckin paper
You, slave, walk around the city inviting every person whose name is on this list to my party. You should probably go immediately since it’s a long list and like I said, the party starts in few hours.
Exeunt CAPULET and PARIS
Peter
Great idea your worshipfulness. I’ll just read all the names on this list. I, the slave, shall use my awesome skills of literacy to decipher this mess of squiggles and dots and derive some sort of meaning form otherwise random blots of ink. Fantastic plan! How about I build you a spaceship when I’m finished! Then I’ll eat pile of cement and shit out a bronze statue! Anything for my lord and master Capulet!
Seriously, how the fuck am I going to do this. I need to find someone who can read, and it’s not like you find a lot of folks like that in this retarded city. Wait a minute, these fancy gentlemen here look like the book reading type.
Enter BENVOLIO and ROMEO
BENVOLIO
Seriously I’m telling you, Romeo, there’s tons of babes in Verona that you could go out with. Find yourself a nice girl and take her on a date and I bet you’ll forget all about the one that got away in no time.
ROMEO
Hey Benvolio, can you hold my dagger for me for a minute?
BENVOLIO
Of course, what for?
ROMEO
I want you to sit on it.
BENVOLIO
What? Come on...
ROMEO
No for real. I want you to hold the sharp end of my dagger right below your butthole and then drop directly on to the ground. And then when you’re done sitting on my dagger, I want you to - oh hey here comes some fuckin guy. What’s up, guy?
Peter
Oh hey lemme ask you something, can either of you nerds read?
ROMEO
I’m a skilled palm reader. And according these lines here [grabs Peter’s hand] you masterbate constantly.
Peter
Yeah... that’s a good one, but how about a book? Can you read book? You know, words and sentences and shit?
ROMEO
Your mom probably reads.
Peter
This fuckin guy! Ok, later nerds!
ROMEO
Hold on, I’ll read your fuckin letter you illiterate bastard.
Grabs fuckin letter and reads
Mr Martinez and his wife and daughters, the Count Phil Anselmo and his sensual sister, the widow Alma Garrett, Mr Placenta and his lovely nieces, fuckin Mercutio - hey I know him - and his brother Bobby Valentine, my uncle Capulet and his wife and fuckin daughters, fuckin Daughtry, the band, my niece Rosaline - cough bitch - Livia Soprano, Mr Valenzuela and his cousin, fuckin Tieballs - fuckin hate that guy - and last but not least I’m assuming, Lucio and Helena. Great fucking list of swells, where’re they all going?
Peter
To a party.
ROMEO
Where’s the party?
Peter
A house.
ROMEO
Who’s house, smart ass?
Peter
My master's.
ROMEO
I bet your master’s real proud to have such a clever slave.
Peter
And he pays real well too. Listen cheif, don’t get your panties in a bunch. I appreciate the favor. So come to the fuckin party why dontcha? As long as you’re not a Montague my boss Capulet won’t mind. We’ll chug a few tall cold ones and you can make some more of those hilarious masterbation jokes of yours. All right well smell you later, nerds.
Exit
BENVOLIO
Ah, so it was Rosaline that caused you so much heartache! I know her! And since she’s going to be at this party, you should go and check out all the other babes and see how totally not that hot she is. I’ll be your wingman, it’ll be totally cool!
ROMEO
Oh boy, a night out at a party thrown by my father’s sworn enemy where the love of my life will be hanging out enjoying herself after rejecting me, with Benvolio as my wingman. Almost sounds too good to be true!
BENVOLIO
I know right? You’ll see, all those other babes are going to make Rosaline look like a total dog. It’s going to be the best night ever!
ROMEO
Eh so I’ll go and torture myself for a while. Ain’t like I got shit else to do in this fuckin town.
Exeunt
ACT I
PROLOGUE
So everyone is familiar with the story by now, yes? Two horny teens get married against the wishes of their parents, who fucking hate each other, and so they end up dead, along with a bunch of other people, because, I dunno, fate or stars or something, right? Anyway, SPOILER ALERT. But that’s what happens. Hope you read on and enjoy it irregardlessly!
SCENE I. Verona. A public place.
Enter SAMPSON and GREGORY, of the house of Capulet, armed with fuckin swords
SAMPSON
Gregory, dude, carrying shit for other people blows.
GREGORY
No, Sampson, caring is blowing other people for shit.
SAMPSON
What I mean bro, is that schlepping around crap for our bosses is no fun.
GREGORY
Maybe you shouldn’t be schlepping on the job.
SAMPSON
Hey, I only sleep when I’m tired.
GREGORY
But but you never tire of sleep.
SAMPSON
Tell you what bro, I’m getting pretty fucking tired of those son of bitch Montagues.
GREGORY
Tired of getting pummeled mercilessly by them, maybe.
SAMPSON
Fuck you, dude. I’ll take out any Montague I see.
GREGORY
You would take them out... to nice romantic dinner.
SAMPSON
Yeah the hot women. I’ll take them out to dinner and then drop my dong bone right in their junk. But the men, I’ll take them out like the trash.
GREGORY
Sampson, the only trash you took out lately is your own used tampons.
SAMPSON
Dude, what are you talking about? I don’t use tampons. I’m pretty sure I don’t even know what they do.
GREGORY
You know nothing of menstruation?
SAMPSON
Womenstration neither!
GREGORY
I’m straining to believe the depths of your ignorance.
SAMPSON
Bro the only straining I ever do is when I’m knee deep in some pink and letting her feel it! YEAH!
GREGORY
You are retarded. Look! Take your weapon out, here comes some fuckin Montagues!
SAMPSON
My weapon? You mean like my dong? Take my dong out and sex up some ladies? Oh, no, Montague dudes! Shit, it’s sword fighting time!
GREGORY
Yeah, so get ready!
SAMPSON
Don’t worry, dude, I got my sword out and I’m totally ready to start stabbing!
GREGORY
That’s what I’m worried about!
SAMPSON
So let em come at us. Let em come at me bro!
GREGORY
Yes, fine. Let em come at you, bro.
SAMPSON
Yo, check it out, even better idea, I’ll flip em off. See how they like that shit!
Enter ABRAHAM and BALTHASAR
ABRAHAM
Bro, are you giving me the finger?
SAMPSON
I’m giving the fucking finger all right.
ABRAHAM
Yeah, I see that bro, but are you giving it specifically to me?
SAMPSON
[Aside to GREGORY] What should I say?
GREGORY
[Aside to SAMPSON] Tell him no.
SAMPSON
No dude, I’m just sticking my hand out into the street and extending my middle finger and if you happen to walk by, well, sucks for you bro but that’s not my fault.
GREGORY
You got a problem with that, pal?
ABRAHAM
A problem? No I don’t have a problem.
SAMPSON
Well you’re about to have a problem. A problem with your face, after I totally fuck it up!
ABRAHAM
You would fuck another guy’s face, wouldn’t you?
SAMPSON
What? No!
GREGORY
Just start the fight already - fucking Tybalt’s coming.
SAMPSON
All right, you ready to get fucked up, dude?
ABRAHAM
Go fuck your mother, jerk off.
SAMPSON
Fuck my mother? You fucking piece of shit!
They fight
Enter BENVOLIO
BENVOLIO
Hey, stop it you guys! You’re going to get us in trouble!
Beats down their fuckin swords
Enter fuckin TYBALT
TYBALT
The fuck are you doing here, Benvolio? You gotta death wish, bitch?! You wanna fucking die!?!
BENVOLIO
Dude! Calm down, I’m trying to break the fight up. Help, will you?
TYBALT
Fuck you pussy! Why don’t you help yourself to a heaping portion of my shit! I hate calming down and I hate you! Suck my razor sharp steel dick, muthafucka!
They fight
Enter, several of both houses, who join the fray; then enter Citizens, with fuckin clubs
First Citizen
Hey everybody, use your clubs to beat the Capulets and Montagues over their big stupid heads! Fuck those assholes! ASS-HOLES! ASS-HOLES! ASS-HOLES!
Enter CAPULET and LADY FUCKIN CAPULET
CAPULET
What? A fight! Give me my sword I shall do battle!
LADY CAPULET
Fight with a sword in one hand and a cane in the other? Give it a rest, will you?
CAPULET
If Montague can fight you’re god damn right I’ll use sword and cane and any god damn thing else!
Enter MONTAGUE and LADY FUCKIN MONTAGUE
MONTAGUE
Capulet scum! Let me at em!
LADY MONTAGUE
Oh no you don’t! Forget it, mister! You’re fighting days are long gone.
Enter PRINCE, with fuckin Attendants
PRINCE
SUBJECTS, YOU WILL CEASE AND DESIST IMMEDIATELY.
Seriously, what is wrong with you people?! You fight, ALL the time! Why are you so eager to kill yourselves and destroy my city along the way? Just stop.
Now, hear this: Montagues and Capulets, If you fight just one more time and mess up my fair city again, I WILL EXECUTE YOU BOTH.
Honestly I don’t know why you guys fight so much. You’re the two richest families in Verona. You employee scores of servants. Tell them to stop fighting each other and enjoy your wealth! You’re that bored, get a hobby! Set up a charity, adopt a baby! I don’t care just STOP FIGHTING.
Capulet, I’ll discuss this further with you now. Montague, I’ll talk to you later. Now, walk with me, Capulet.
Exeunt all but MONTAGUE, LADY MONTAGUE, and fuckin BENVOLIO
MONTAGUE
So what set everyone off this time, nephew? Were you involved?
BENVOLIO
I was, but only to break up the fight, I swear! It was all Tybalt! He escalated everything. It was just a bunch of guys arguing but Tybalt went nuts and things got crazy. He probably would have killed me if the Price didn’t show up.
LADY MONTAGUE
Yes, how glad we all are for that. What about Romeo? Was he there?
BENVOLIO
Not in the fight. I last saw Romeo sulking under the sycamore tree on the west side of town. It was early in the morning and I tried talking to him but he didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I figured I’d leave him alone rather than be a bother.
MONTAGUE
Oh don’t take it personally Benvolio. At least not in this case. Romeo’s been spending all day holed up in his room with the curtains drawn. I swear he’s turned into a vampire the way he avoids the sun. A big mopey vampire that doesn’t even want to talk to his own father.
BENVOLIO
What’s got him so feeling so blue?
MONTAGUE
For the life of me I can’t figure it out.
BENVOLIO
Have you tried asking him?
MONTAGUE
...yes, Benvolio. I’ve tried asking my son what’s wrong. I’ve even asked his friends to ask him. All of his good friends, in fact. So all of Romeo’s good friends would know that I’ve asked about Romeo by now. Benvolio.
Enter fuckin ROMEO
BENVOLIO
Wait, here he comes. Quick, hide, and maybe I can figure out the cause of Romeo’s melancholy.
MONTAGUE
Yes, great idea. We’ll hide and you give a shot. Good luck, Benvolio.
Exeunt MONTAGUE and LADY FUCKIN MONTAGUE
BENVOLIO
Hey, cuz, how’s it hanging?.
ROMEO
From a noose I wish.
BENVOLIO
Oh cool, well I’m doing great!
ROMEO
REALLY? WONDERFUL BENVOLIO. Hey was that my dad you were just talking to?
BENVOLIO
Yep, sure was. So, Romeo, why the long face?
ROMEO
Maybe because people keep asking me questions and annoying the fuck out of me.
BENVOLIO
Really?
ROMEO
No, Benvolio. If you must know it’s because I am in love, yet my love is not returned to me by the object of my affection.
BENVOLIO
You’re in love?
ROMEO
Yes, like I just said. I’m in love, yet not in the love of my love.
BENVOLIO
Wait, what?
ROMEO
I HAVE A CRUSH ON A GIRL BUT SHE DOESN’T LIKE ME BACK. And it sucks.
Hey was there a fight here or something? Why do people love to fight? Why do they possess a predilection for hate? It’s like one of those things, like a bright shadow or a jumbo shrimp, or a sad song about an open house on a rainy day. It’s like how I’m in love but still miserable. FUCKIN IRONY, AMIRITE?
BENVOLIO
Ironing?
ROMEO
The word confuses you?
BENVOLIO
I just don’t get why you’re so sad all the time, Romeo.
ROMEO
Maybe it’s because a girl ripped my still-beating heart out of my chest, threw it on the floor and stomped all over it. And every time someone asks me why I feel so shitty, I have to explain to them the whole situation that made me feel so shitty in the first place. And I have to relive the moment where my guts were quite literally ripped out of my stomach and tossed into the garbage. And then everyone gets all pissy because I snap at them. And then I feel bad for making them feel bad. So basically, Benvolio, I feel terrible because life is a great big fat fucking joke, and I’m sick of being the punchline.
Anyway, see ya later cousin.
BENVOLIO
Wait, I’m sorry for asking! I don’t mind that you’re sad or that you snapped at me. I just want to help.
ROMEO
Ah, I’m sorry Benvolio. It’s been a rough couple days for me.
BENVOLIO
No it’s OK, really. So who was she anyway.
ROMEO
Was? She’s still there, jabbing my lungs with painful failure at every breath I draw.
BENVOLIO
That bad, huh?
ROMEO
Benvolio, let me tell you something. Every night I stay up late, delaying sleep, because I know the sooner I go to bed the sooner I’ll have to wake up and live through another miserable fucking day.
BENVOLIO
...so she’s really pretty then?
ROMEO
A mere glimpse of her would send a death row inmate into fits of glee.
BENVOLIO
But you’ve glimpsed her and you’re miserable!
ROMEO
Yeah well, the death row inmate would not have his advances spurned, his hopes crushed and his dreams shattered, all brutally. Those lucky future dead men would never see their chance at true love to go crashing down horrible flames. She’s not giving it up, this one. She’s keeping those thighs of hers shut tighter than the cookie jar at fat camp.
BENVOLIO
You mean she’s not hooking up with anybody?
ROMEO
Nope. And it’s a shame too. I’d almost rather she go out with somebody else than let that hot piece of ass go to waste.
BENVOLIO
Well then there’s no point in worrying about it. Just forget her.
ROMEO
OH RIGHT SURE, I’LL JUST DO THAT. THANKS FOR THE SUGGESTION. I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT, BENVOLIO. BRILLIANT STRATEGY LET ME TRY THAT.
BENVOLIO
OK well then try going after someone else. There’s other girls out there.
ROMEO
Yeah I’ve tried that too. And looking at the other skanks just remind me how hot she is and ugly they are. Once she gets her hooks in you, there’s no getting out. You’d have a better chance getting a crack addict to lay off the pipe than me ever forgetting her.
BENVOLIO
Well I still want to help you, Romeo. And if you let me, I bet we can pull you out of this funk you’re in.
Exeunt
