The Tragical History of Bromeo & Drooliet Act I Scene III

SCENE III. A room in Capulet's fuckin house.

Enter LADY CAPULET and Nurse
LADY CAPULET
Nurse, go get Juliet, please.
Nurse
By my tits it will be done, m’lady. Juliet! Sweetie! Lamb! Where are you my dear?
Enter JULIET
JULIET
Yes, what is it?
Nurse
Your mother needs you, sugar plum.
JULIET
Mother?
LADY CAPULET
Yes, one moment. Nurse. Get out. Now, Juliet, um... hold on. Nurse. Get back here. Help me out, Juliet is.... only....
Nurse
Five and a half feet tall, m’lady!
LADY CAPULET
No. Her age. Juliet is only...
Nurse
On my tits she has but thirteen years!
LADY CAPULET
Yes. Thank you, not yet fourteen.
Nurse
Yes that’s right. I remember well, as both Juliet and my own sweet daughter Susan were born on the same year. There was an earthquake sometime before that, and not from the shaking going on in my bed if you know what I mean. And what I mean is a lot sex with my husband. Of course, my lovely husband and dear sweet Susan both died. My darlings are up in heaven now, looking down on me, and down my blouse, and at my tits. But both Juliet and Susan were two little piggies when it came to sucking on my titties. My nips were stiff as corks and sore for days because of those wolves! Ah, but no more titty for you, right honey bun? It’s been years since your mouth was sucking these heavy hangers!
LADY CAPULET
Yes thank you nurse! That will be all!
Nurse
Yes, of course, m’lady. I just can’t get over how many years it’s been. Though I bet sweet virginal Juliet won’t be so virtuous much longer, will see? It’s about time she finds a young gentlemen to enter her-
JULIET
OH MY GOD NURSE STOP IT.
Nurse
Ah they get so sensitive when they reach puberty. Once they start their period its all, ‘Nurse stop you’re embarrassing me!’ But you’ll be married soon enough and then there’ll be no more nurse to embarrass you anymore.
LADY CAPULET
YES! Good topic! Marriage! Juliet, how do you feel about marriage?
JULIET
Um, sounds OK I guess.
Nurse
Just OK? The institution of holy matrimony is both an honor and a privilege! I swear, sometimes I feel like you sucked absolutely no wisdom from my tits!
LADY CAPULET
Yes marriage isn’t so bad, Juliet. In fact, when I was your age I was already happily married to your father. And pregnant! Now you have the opportunity to accept the overtures of the valiant Count Paris, cousin to our own Prince of Verona.  
Nurse
Ooh that Paris is like something cut out of marble!
LADY CAPULET
I believe he works out, yes.
Nurse
I’d like to give him a workout, if you know what I mean. And I mean intercourse.
LADY CAPULET
Yes, that was quite obvious, nurse. So tonight, during this little soiree your father is throwing, you can feast your eyes on all the noble beauty of Paris. As we’ve been saying, he’s very attractive, so you don’t have to worry about anything in the looks department. And you may not realize this because your father and I love you very much and can’t help but to spoil you, but securing a husband of considerable means and wealth is crucial for any young girl’s future happiness. Luckily for you Paris and his family reeks both of riches and power.
Nurse
He’s hot and loaded my little muppet, what else do you need to know?
LADY CAPULET
So, will you accept the tender entreaty of the Count?
JULIET
I mean, yeah, sure. If everything goes well at the party and he’s all hot and rich like you say he is then, like, yeah, sure.
Enter a fuckin servant
Servant
Pardon me m’lady, but I am to inform you that the guests are here, dinner is served, Juliet has been asked for and someone in the kitchen called the nurse a fat breasted hooker with a penis.  
LADY CAPULET
Thank you slave. Now disappear.
Exit Servant
Juliet, look nice for Paris, would you?
Nurse
Come with me angel, and we’ll get you looking nice and busty for the Count.
Exeunt