SCENE V. Another part of the platform.
Enter GHOST and HAMDONG
HAMDONG
All right, that’s far enough. Either say something or I’m turning around.
Ghost
Something.
HAMDONG
Good one.
Ghost
Anyway, it’s almost time for me to head back to hell.
HAMDONG
Are you fucking kidding me? You just got here.
Ghost
No, I’m for serious.
HAMDONG
Fine, then speak if you’re gonna speak.
Ghost
So, Hamdong, tell me, how do you feel about revenge?
HAMDONG
What?
Ghost
Well, I am your father's spirit, and I am doomed to haunt the earth until I am avenged. I could tell you about my life as an undead ethereal ghoul, but the stories would twist your guts into knots and melt your brain.
Now tell me, did you ever love me, your father?
HAMDONG
Huh? Jesus Christ!
Ghost
No, just your father. But listen, I was murdered, and I need you to get revenge for me.
HAMDONG
Murdered!
Ghost
There an echo in here or am I inaudible AND intangible. Yes, murder, I was fucking murdered.
HAMDONG
All right, then give me the details and I will fix this shit up right. Consider your murderer totally murdered.
Ghost
Glad to see you’re see you’re super pumped about this like Arnold Schwarzanegger’s pumped up muscles in the movie Pumping Iron. So listen, you know that snake that allegedly bit and killed me while I was sleeping in the orchard? Well that snake was really a man, and that man was my asshole brother!
HAMDONG
Fuck!
Ghost
Yes, that incestuous, adulterate, traitorous beast! A beast that used his cunning deceit and rock hard boner to seduce my wife. What a complete and utter bastard my asshole brother is. That son of a bitch dropped poison in my ear so nasty that it instantly curdled my blood. I mean fuck that, man. Motherfuck it.
And you know what hurts the most? It’s the lack of respect. That’s what hurts the most. Well, except for the blood poisoning. That hurt the most. But the lack of respect, that hurts the second most.
So as long as you’re not some gigantic pussy, I expect you to vanquish this shit head impostor king and false brother of mine. But do try to leave your mother out of it. She’s just a woman, flawed as any other, so you couldn’t have expected much better of her.
Oh hey, morning again, even though it was midnight like 5 minutes ago.
OK bye, Hamdong! Don’t forget to murder your uncle!
Exit
HAMDONG
God damn motherfucking son of bitch. That is some serious bullshit.
Guess I’ll be murdering my uncle then. That’s got to take number one priority. I’ll need to completely forget everything else I’ve ever learned so I can focus solely on the task at hand.
I’ll also make a note to myself so I don’t forget.
writing
Hamdong, don’t forget to kill your Uncle.
K, all set.
MARCELLUS and HORATIO offstage
Hello? Hamdong?
MARCELLUS
You there my lord?
HORATIO
I sure hope you weren’t dragged off to hell!
HAMDONG
I wasn’t!
HORATIO
Oh hey Hamdong!
HAMDONG
Hey guys.
Enter HORATIO and MARCELLUS
MARCELLUS
So what happened?
HORATIO
How’d everything go with the ghost of your dead dad?
HAMDONG
Peachy keen!
HORATIO
Do tell.
HAMDONG
Only if you can keep a secret.
HORATIO
I will, I swear I will!
MARCELLUS
This will go straight into the vault!
HAMDONG
Do you PROMISE?
HORATIO MARCELLUS
Yes, we PROMISE!
HAMDONG
There is a rancid pud living in Denmark.
HORATIO
I don’t think your dead dad’s ghost needed to rise from hell to tell us that.
HAMDONG
Very true. So that settles it then. We can both now go fuck off to doing whatever the fuck it was we wearing doing before my father’s unholy spectre crawled out of hell and stated the blatantly obvious.
HORATIO
You sound a little pissed off, my lord.
HAMDONG
Well I’m terribly sorry to have offended you.
HORATIO
Oh no, no offense taken, m lord.
HAMDONG
Actually, there was offense taken. BY ME. REGARDING WHAT THE GHOST SAID. TO ME AND ME ONLY.
However there is one thing you can do for me, that is, if you really want to do me a favor.
HORATIO
Sure, dude, anything.
HAMDONG
Keep your mouths shut about all this ghost shit.
HORATIO MARCELLUS
Of course.
HAMDONG
SWEAR YOU’LL SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE GHOST.
HORATIO
I SWEAR! I TOTALLY SWEAR!
MARCELLUS
I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, MY LORD!
HAMDONG
SWEAR TO JEEBUS!
MARCELLUS
What?
HAMDONG
SWEAR TO JEEBUS CRIPES THAT YOU’LL KEEP YOUR MOTHERFUCKING MOUTHS SHUT!
Ghost
[from hell] SWEAR ASSHOLES.
HAMDONG
HA! YOU HEAR THAT? Now you better fuckin swear to Jeebus!
HORATIO
Just tell us what to say we we’ll say it!
HAMDONG
Swear to Jeebus that you’ll never mention a word about this ghost business to anyone else for as long as you live.
Ghost
[from hell] SWEAR YOU PUSSIES!
HAMDONG
Are you ready to swear now, god damn it?
Ghost
[from hell] BITCHES: SWEAR NOW!
HAMDONG
ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP PISSING OFF JEEBUS OR ARE YOU GOING TO FUCKING SWEAR?
HORATIO
I don’t know what’s going on any, man, I’m freaking out!
HAMDONG
Fuckin A right you’re freaking out. And no matter how fucking freaky things get or how fucking freaky I act, you’re going to just sit there, silent, and deal with it, ok motherfuckers? You’re just going to sit there and watch me do whatever the fuck I want, and even if the whole world becomes some nightmare circle of hell the likes of which you can not even imagine, you are going to keep fucking quiet. COMPRENDE?
Ghost
[from hell] FUCKIN SWEAR! FUCKIN SWEAR! FUCKIN SWEAR!
HAMDONG
OK Jeebus, we get it, they’re going to swear!
They swear
Let us pray: I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight, given this task of vengeful spite, that I succeed and make things right.
Amen.
Ok dudes, lets get the fuck out of this ghostland and back into the fucking castle already.
Exeunt
All right, that’s far enough. Either say something or I’m turning around.
Ghost
Something.
HAMDONG
Good one.
Ghost
Anyway, it’s almost time for me to head back to hell.
HAMDONG
Are you fucking kidding me? You just got here.
Ghost
No, I’m for serious.
HAMDONG
Fine, then speak if you’re gonna speak.
Ghost
So, Hamdong, tell me, how do you feel about revenge?
HAMDONG
What?
Ghost
Well, I am your father's spirit, and I am doomed to haunt the earth until I am avenged. I could tell you about my life as an undead ethereal ghoul, but the stories would twist your guts into knots and melt your brain.
Now tell me, did you ever love me, your father?
HAMDONG
Huh? Jesus Christ!
Ghost
No, just your father. But listen, I was murdered, and I need you to get revenge for me.
HAMDONG
Murdered!
Ghost
There an echo in here or am I inaudible AND intangible. Yes, murder, I was fucking murdered.
HAMDONG
All right, then give me the details and I will fix this shit up right. Consider your murderer totally murdered.
Ghost
Glad to see you’re see you’re super pumped about this like Arnold Schwarzanegger’s pumped up muscles in the movie Pumping Iron. So listen, you know that snake that allegedly bit and killed me while I was sleeping in the orchard? Well that snake was really a man, and that man was my asshole brother!
HAMDONG
Fuck!
Ghost
Yes, that incestuous, adulterate, traitorous beast! A beast that used his cunning deceit and rock hard boner to seduce my wife. What a complete and utter bastard my asshole brother is. That son of a bitch dropped poison in my ear so nasty that it instantly curdled my blood. I mean fuck that, man. Motherfuck it.
And you know what hurts the most? It’s the lack of respect. That’s what hurts the most. Well, except for the blood poisoning. That hurt the most. But the lack of respect, that hurts the second most.
So as long as you’re not some gigantic pussy, I expect you to vanquish this shit head impostor king and false brother of mine. But do try to leave your mother out of it. She’s just a woman, flawed as any other, so you couldn’t have expected much better of her.
Oh hey, morning again, even though it was midnight like 5 minutes ago.
OK bye, Hamdong! Don’t forget to murder your uncle!
Exit
HAMDONG
God damn motherfucking son of bitch. That is some serious bullshit.
Guess I’ll be murdering my uncle then. That’s got to take number one priority. I’ll need to completely forget everything else I’ve ever learned so I can focus solely on the task at hand.
I’ll also make a note to myself so I don’t forget.
writing
Hamdong, don’t forget to kill your Uncle.
K, all set.
MARCELLUS and HORATIO offstage
Hello? Hamdong?
MARCELLUS
You there my lord?
HORATIO
I sure hope you weren’t dragged off to hell!
HAMDONG
I wasn’t!
HORATIO
Oh hey Hamdong!
HAMDONG
Hey guys.
Enter HORATIO and MARCELLUS
MARCELLUS
So what happened?
HORATIO
How’d everything go with the ghost of your dead dad?
HAMDONG
Peachy keen!
HORATIO
Do tell.
HAMDONG
Only if you can keep a secret.
HORATIO
I will, I swear I will!
MARCELLUS
This will go straight into the vault!
HAMDONG
Do you PROMISE?
HORATIO MARCELLUS
Yes, we PROMISE!
HAMDONG
There is a rancid pud living in Denmark.
HORATIO
I don’t think your dead dad’s ghost needed to rise from hell to tell us that.
HAMDONG
Very true. So that settles it then. We can both now go fuck off to doing whatever the fuck it was we wearing doing before my father’s unholy spectre crawled out of hell and stated the blatantly obvious.
HORATIO
You sound a little pissed off, my lord.
HAMDONG
Well I’m terribly sorry to have offended you.
HORATIO
Oh no, no offense taken, m lord.
HAMDONG
Actually, there was offense taken. BY ME. REGARDING WHAT THE GHOST SAID. TO ME AND ME ONLY.
However there is one thing you can do for me, that is, if you really want to do me a favor.
HORATIO
Sure, dude, anything.
HAMDONG
Keep your mouths shut about all this ghost shit.
HORATIO MARCELLUS
Of course.
HAMDONG
SWEAR YOU’LL SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE GHOST.
HORATIO
I SWEAR! I TOTALLY SWEAR!
MARCELLUS
I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, MY LORD!
HAMDONG
SWEAR TO JEEBUS!
MARCELLUS
What?
HAMDONG
SWEAR TO JEEBUS CRIPES THAT YOU’LL KEEP YOUR MOTHERFUCKING MOUTHS SHUT!
Ghost
[from hell] SWEAR ASSHOLES.
HAMDONG
HA! YOU HEAR THAT? Now you better fuckin swear to Jeebus!
HORATIO
Just tell us what to say we we’ll say it!
HAMDONG
Swear to Jeebus that you’ll never mention a word about this ghost business to anyone else for as long as you live.
Ghost
[from hell] SWEAR YOU PUSSIES!
HAMDONG
Are you ready to swear now, god damn it?
Ghost
[from hell] BITCHES: SWEAR NOW!
HAMDONG
ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP PISSING OFF JEEBUS OR ARE YOU GOING TO FUCKING SWEAR?
HORATIO
I don’t know what’s going on any, man, I’m freaking out!
HAMDONG
Fuckin A right you’re freaking out. And no matter how fucking freaky things get or how fucking freaky I act, you’re going to just sit there, silent, and deal with it, ok motherfuckers? You’re just going to sit there and watch me do whatever the fuck I want, and even if the whole world becomes some nightmare circle of hell the likes of which you can not even imagine, you are going to keep fucking quiet. COMPRENDE?
Ghost
[from hell] FUCKIN SWEAR! FUCKIN SWEAR! FUCKIN SWEAR!
HAMDONG
OK Jeebus, we get it, they’re going to swear!
They swear
Let us pray: I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight, given this task of vengeful spite, that I succeed and make things right.
Amen.
Ok dudes, lets get the fuck out of this ghostland and back into the fucking castle already.
Exeunt
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