The Tragical History of Bromeo & Drooliet Act IV Scene V

SCENE V. Juliet's fuckin chamber.

Enter Nurse
Nurse
Juliet! Time to wake up dearie! You’ve got a big day ahead of you. Oh I see, you want to get your rest in now because tomorrow night the Count shan’t let you sleep a wink. He’s going to keep you up all night if you know what I mean! Yes, intercourse, no doubt you’ve already guessed it. You kids sure do love your intercourse. And I’m sure Count Paris shan’t notice that your flower petals have already been plucked, if you know what I mean. Hah! Yes, you’ve obviously figured out that I meant Romeo already performed intercourse on you. Ha ha, Yes we all get it now, your nurse has milked that tit completely dry. And by tit I mean joke, metaphorically speaking of course. But really, dear, you must get up now, come on, lets go.
Opens the curtains
Juliet! Why are you still dressed in last night’s clothes? Come here, what’s wrong?
Picks up Juliet
Oh dear. Oh dear me. OH NO! Juliet wake up! This can’t be! No no no no no! You’re just a baby! HELP! HELP! My lady! My lord! HELP!
Enter LADY CAPULET
LADY CAPULET
What’s going on? What happened?
Nurse
The most horrible thing imaginable! And I don’t mean premature ejaculation!
LADY CAPULET
Well what is it!?
Nurse
It’s when a man sperms too soon, but that’s not important right now. It’s Juliet, my lady! Poor, dear Juliet!
LADY CAPULET
Juliet! What do you mean? Why is she still in bed? Why is she not moving? Nurse, help me revive Juliet! Juliet, wake up! Oh no! Let me trade places with you, Juliet! My life for yours! Nurse! Please get help!
Enter CAPULET
CAPULET
Would someone please rouse my shiftless daughter from bed? To keep Paris waiting any longer should cause us all to die of embarrassment.
Nurse
No, my lord, you don’t understand. Our baby Juliet, she is no more. Oh lord, by what curse are we made to suffer?
LADY CAPULET
My baby! My poor baby!
CAPULET
What are you talking about? Where is she? Let me see Juliet. Dear god, she is cold and stiff. Her skin is colorless and her breath is gone. I may be completely unqualified as a medical doctor but I am nonetheless one hundred confident immediately proclaiming that our daughter Juliet is dead!
Nurse
NO! I’d tear out my tits if it would help! God don’t let it be so!
LADY CAPULET
This can’t be. This just can’t be.
CAPULET
I don’t understand. She is to marry Count Paris tomorrow... how can she... why did she... oh no.
Enter FRIAR LAURENCE and PARIS, with Musicians
FRIAR LAURENCE
And how fares our lovely bride to be this fine morning?
CAPULET
She does not. She.. is not. I... I can’t. She’s gone. My daughter is dead. The wedding, the plans, our lives, all shattered.
PARIS
Huh? For real? Ah man, total bummer.
LADY CAPULET
My baby. My one and only baby girl, Juliet.
Nurse
A woeful day! A cursed day! A dreadful, awful, wretched day! Never before has there been a day so miserable as this! Well, I guess when my own daughter Susan died even younger, that was also pretty miserable. I’ll go ahead a call it a tie, on misery. This day and the day Susan died, both equally the most miserable days of my life!
PARIS
Ugh, man! The reservations I made for the honeymoon are non-refundable. God damn it I’m gonna lose that deposit. Well, maybe I could convince the Prince to go with me. Oh wait, no, he hates Venice. Great!  Now the weekend is totally ruined!
CAPULET
I’m finished. With Juliet goes all my hopes and dreams, right down the tubes. Any previous contenders for the worst day of my life just got obliterated.
FRIAR LAURENCE
A lamentable day if there ever was one. Losing a child is very difficult. If it helps, be assured that this was all part of God’s plan.
CAPULET
No Friar, it does not help, knowing that God wanted to murder our daughter and make us all miserable. Whelp, at least we already have the caterers here for the funeral. We’ll need to change out all the decorations though. And all the flower arrangements. God, what a nightmare.
FRIAR LAURENCE
Patience, Lord Capulet, as it is all God’s will. Come, I will help you prepare for the new ceremony.
Exeunt CAPULET, LADY CAPULET, PARIS, and FRIAR LAURENCE
First Musician
So... are we supposed to play anything, or what?
Nurse
Why don’t you take your instruments and go fuck yourselves. To death. Assholes.
Exit
First Musician
All right gang, guess we’re done here. Let’s pack it up.
Enter PETER
PETER
Say, any of you musicians know how to play the flute?
First Musician
Sure, we have a fluatist, why?
PETER
How about someone who can play the skin flute?
First Musician
I just said we have a fluatist, whats the differ- Oh I get it now.
PETER
I bet you do. You strike me as the kind of guy who can play a real mean skin flute, am I right?
First Musician
Hey, shut up.
PETER
So what instrument do you play?
First Musician
Just this fiddle right here.
PETER
I’m sure that’s not all you fiddle with.
First Musician
Oh come on, that was worse than the last one.
PETER
Hey pal, I saw you slapping the rosin on your bow strings. You love it.
First Musician
You know you’re a real funny guy for a slave. I didn’t know the Capulet’s owned a comedian.
Second Musician
I think he needs to work on his material.
PETER
Hey, that’s funny cause I just finished practicing the tuba.
First Musician
What do you mean by - OH MAN, COME ON! THAT SMELLS TERRIBLE! AUGGHH!
PETER
Maybe if you practiced your instruments more you wouldn’t get the same reaction when you played them.
Second Musician
Bro, you wanna go? Goes I’ll totally go!
PETER
That’s sweet of you to invite me but I’m gonna have to pass.
Third Musician
Whatever, bitch.
PETER
OH NO! You wound me with your vicious jibe! I am felled by your cunning quip! The musician with the razor’s wit hath slain me! How will I continue with my life after being cut down so savagely? First my lord Capulet loses his only daughter, now he will lose his most valued slave. A woeful day for this august house indeed. Please, play a funeral dirge for me as I exit this cruel world!
Exit
First Musician
Is it me or do the Capulets own the most knavish slaves in all of Verona?
Second Musician
It’s not you, this place is lousy with knavish sons of bitches. Come one, let’s get the hell out of here before they ask for their money back.
Exeunt