The Tragical History of Bromeo & Drooliet Act III Scene I

SCENE I. A public fuckin place.

Enter MERCUTIO, BENVOLIO, Page, and fuckin Servants
BENVOLIO
Hey Murcyero, let’s get out of here. There’re Capulets everywhere and I don’t want to end up in a fight with any of them.
MERCUTIO
Hey pull your balls out vagina and stop being such a fuckin pussy, Benvolio. You’re like that guy who’s all like, 'hey I don’t want to fight, man, like whatever you say is cool. Here why don’t you punch me in the face because I won’t ever fight back so why not? Just fucking cave my fuckin skull in because whatever I’m just a little fucking pussy anyway. A little fuckin pussy, and a little fuckin bitch. Fuckin pussy, bitch.'
BENVOLIO
You know sometimes you’re not so much fun when you drink.
MERCUTIO
Hey shut the fuck up, man. I drink when I want to drink cause I wanna fuckin drink. So I fuckin drink. Man.
BENVOLIO
[frustrated frown] You also fight a lot when you’re drunk.
MERCUTIO
That’s right. I love to fuckin fight. I’ll fucking fight anyone in this fucking city. See that fucking guy over there with his basket of bread or whatever the fuck it is? I’ll kick his ass, man. And those dudes over there next to that cart of fucking grain and shit? I’ll fucking beat their asses, too. Fuckin next person to say fuckin shit to me, especially that dickhole Tybalt, is going to get fucking annihilated, man. Just fucking ruined. Cause I don’t give a fuck.
BENVOLIO
If you’re that eager to get in a fight then maybe I should take out a life insurance policy on you.
MERCUTIO
Fuck life insurance and fuck you!
BENVOLIO
Uh oh, here comes some Capulets.
MERCUTIO
That’s great but maybe you didn’t hear me earlier when I explained that I don’t give a motherfuck.
Enter fuckin TYBALT and others
TYBALT
Yo, you two are Romeo’s bros aren’t you?
MERCUTIO
Hey, blow me. [points to crotch]
TYBALT
Hey yo bro! I didn’t come here to fuck with you. I’m looking for fuckin Romeo.
MERCUTIO
[gets in Tybalt’s face] Suck. My. Dick.
TYBALT
Fuck you, bro! What’s your fuckin problem?
MERCUTIO
[calmly] Say one more fucking word to me, and I will fucking murder you. Bro.
BENVOLIO
Guys come on! There tons of people here and they’re all watching.
MERCUTIO
Good. I’ll entertain them by wrecking this fucking sack of shit right in front of them.
Enter fuckin ROMEO
TYBALT
Never mind, bro. This is the fucking jerkoff I’m looking for.
MERCUTIO
Fuck that. I'll fucking kill you, man.
TYBALT
Yeah whatever. Yo, so fuckin Romeo. Check this out, bro. Fuck yourself.
ROMEO
Ah Tybalt, I can’t help but laugh at the way you get so worked up. However, I’ve no quarrel with you, brother; let’s not fight.
TYBALT
I’m not your BROTHER, BRO. Also, let’s not not fight. Bro.
ROMEO
Sorry to disappoint you, brother, but I’ve other plans for the day. I wish I could tell you more but I can’t. I promise though, one day we’ll look back on this time and laugh.
MERCUTIO
The fuck is the matter with you, Romeo? This guy is begging for an ass kicking. I say we fuck him up.
Draws sword
Let’s fuckin do this, bitch.
TYBALT
Fuckin come at bro!
MERCUTIO
I’m fuckin gonna!
TYBALT
Drawing
So fuckin do it!
ROMEO
Mercutio, seriously, stop.
MERCUTIO
Romeo, no. Tybalt, hope you like being dead, asshole!
They fight
ROMEO
God damn it! This is so stupid! Benvolio, help me break this up! Tybalt! Mercutio! Stop already!
ROMEO get in MERCUITO’s way. TYBALT stabs MERCURTIO under ROMEO's arm and runs away with his followers like a little baby
MERCUTIO
MOTHER. FUCKER. Both your families can fuckin suck me.
BENVOLIO
Are you hurt, Mekaroo?
MERCUTIO
First of all, it’s MER-QUE-SHE-OH, you brainless shithead! How do you never get that right? Ever? And yes I’m fucking hurt, I’m fucking dying! God damn you. God damn all of you! Slave! Go get a fucking doctor, slave! Hurry up! Christ!
Exit Page
ROMEO
Dude, hang in there, buddy. You’re gonna be all right.
MERCUTIO
Romeo, come’re, I want to tell you something. You know I always liked you, man. You were my pal, and we had lots of good times together, but listen carefully: burn in hell. Die and burn in hell forever.
ROMEO
We’re gonna get you through this, Mercutio. Don’t even think that way.
MERCUTIO
No really, fuck you, Romeo. Fuck the Montagues and fuck the Capulets. I’m going to fucking die now and it’s all your god damn fault. I fucking hate you all. Benvolio, carry me out of here so I don’t have to die staring at this fucking son of a bitch.
Exeunt MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO
ROMEO
Hmmm... You know, maybe this marriage to Juliet isn’t gonna to go so smoothly after all.
Re-enter BENVOLIO
BENVOLIO
Uh, yeah, so, [carefully] Mer-que-she-o, just died. Sorry, Romeo.
ROMEO
Man, I just got a feeling that things are gonna get a whole lot worse before they get any better.  
BENVOLIO
You mean because Tybalt’s coming back and he still looks pissed?
ROMEO
He does? Well fuck him. He just killed my friend. I’m not going to just forget about that, no matter who I married!
Re-enter TYBALT
All right asshole. You want a fucking fight, let’s fucking fight. It’s either you or me now.
TYBALT
Yeah, it’s going to be fucking you. Dying. Bro.
ROMEO
Suck my codpiece, dick licker!
They fight; TYBALT dies
BENVOLIO
Holy crap! Romeo, you gotta get out of here! The Prince will be here any minute!
ROMEO
… shit...
BENVOLIO
Romeo, c’mon, go!
Exit ROMEO
Enter pissed off Citizens
First Citizen
Which one of you did this? Which one of you killed the Prince’s cousin, Mercutio?
BENVOLIO
Um, Tybalt did. But he’s dead now, too.
First Citizen
I think you better stay here and explain yourself to the Prince.
Enter Prince, attended; MONTAGUE, CAPULET, their Wives, and shit
PRINCE
All right, who started it?
BENVOLIO
My lord the Prince, I can explain everything. First, Tybalt showed up trying to fight Romeo, then Mercuteo told Tybalt to back off, then Tybalt flipped out and killed Marpooneo. Then Romeo killed Tybalt. Then you showed up.
LADY CAPULET
My nephew Tybalt is dead? You monsters! Prince, I demand satisfaction from the criminal Montagues!
PRINCE
Whoa! Hold on there Lady Capulet. Benvolio, you said Tybalt killed my cousin, Mercutio?
BENVOLIO
That’s right. He just showed up out of nowhere and demanded to fight. We tried to tell him chill out, but he wouldn’t. So they started fighting. And we tried to break it up. But then Romeo got in Mecardeo’s way and then Tybalt stabbed Magarneo in the chest like this, HYAAAAAA! And then Muganeo was all like, AAAHHHHH you got me! And so then Romeo was really mad about it and so he started fighting Tybalt and then he killed Tybalt and then Tybalt died. That’s how it all happened I swear.
LADY CAPULET
Of course the Monatgue mountebank would say that. You can’t possibly believe a word of this pernicious prevaricator. Romeo must be found and brought to justice. You must slay Romeo!
PRINCE
And whom, madam, shall I slay for the murder of my cousin, Mer-cu-ti-o?
MONTAGUE
I believe Romeo obviated that imperative, your highness, when he slew Lady Capulet’s nephew.
PRINCE
Yes! Exactly! And we won’t be slaying Romeo for that achievement! That is my justice. However, Romeo remains guilty of continuing this god forsaken feud between you two rebellious clans. And for that, he is banished, effective immediately. The next time Romeo is caught within the city limits his life will indeed be forfeit. Now, get out of my sight you petty squabbling nobs, before I change my mind and assign punishments to the rest of you. You disgust me. All of you.
Exeunt