The Tragical History of Bromeo & Drooliet Act II Scene V

SCENE V. Capulet's fuckin orchard.

Enter JULIET
JULIET
Oh my god where is the nurse? I sent her out like infinity hours ago! If she stopped to get lunch I will totally kill her! I bet she’s stuffing her fat face right now ew she’s so gross! Why is she so lame! Romeo is probably trying to send me a note right now and he can’t because the nurse is such a freaking RETARD. UGH! I swear, if she doesn’t get her fat ass in her in the next - Oh, here she comes.
Enter Nurse and fuckin PETER
Nurse! Where have you been what have you heard what did Romeo say START TALKING GOD DAMN IT.
Nurse
Yes my pet, just a moment. Peter, get out.
[Peter looks at Nurse like why was did he even bother coming in]
Exit PETER
JULIET
So did you find Romeo? What did he tell you oh my god why do you look sad what happened OH MY GOD WHY DO YOU LOOK SO SAD?
Nurse
Juliet, sweetie, please, give me a minute. I am not so young and sprightly as you are. Dragging these massive boob bags all around town is no picnic, I assure you.
JULIET
I’LL CUT YOUR FUCKING TITS RIGHT OFF IF YOU DON’T START TALKING.
Nurse
Juliet! What has gotten into you my child?
JULIET
Haha, nothing. What? Relax. Take a load off and get comfortable, and then when you’re ready just tell me if you found Romeo and then tell me what he told you. Like now. Now. Start talking now you’ve rested enough. Talk now damn it!
Nurse
Okay, okay,now that I’ve found my breath. My goodness. So, anyway, I found Romeo. And his band of roguish knaves. Not the best company this Romeo keeps. But soon enough his loutish liaisons departed, affording private conference between me and Romeo. Off to dinner I believe his churlish companions went. Speaking of dinner, have you eaten yet my dove? For me I’m famished!
JULIET
No, nurse, we haven’t eaten dinner yet. There’s no food here for you here. Continue with your story please!
Nurse
Really? Nothing? Not even a cheese plate or something?
JULIET
No Nurse, there is no. food. here.
Nurse
Hey what about some mutton? I love mutton. I’d trade my left tit for some right now.
JULIET
WHAT DID ROMEO TELL YOU ABOUT WHEN WE ARE GETTING MARRIED YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH!?!
Nurse
… Well... if you’re going to talk like that then from now on you can trudge through the city yourself and fetch your own messages from Romeo.
JULIET
Hrrrr... I’m sorry, nurse. I didn’t mean it. I’m just seriously freaking out right now and I really wish you’d just tell me what. you heard. from Romeo. When you saw him. Please.
Nurse
Apology accepted. Thank you my dear. Now, I need to know, have you gone to church yet today?
JULIET
UGH! Not yet. Whyyyyyyyy?!?!!!
Nurse
Because! That shall serve as your excuse to to Friar Laurence’s house this afternoon, where instead of attending service, Friar Laurence will marry you to Romeo. And then the two of you can live happily ever after. So you should probably go there right. Now.
JULIET
OH MY GOD REALLY?!? NURSE YOU ROCK!!! Thank you so much I love you and will never ever ever say anything mean to you ever again! I can’t wait to get married to Romeo! It’s what I always wanted! Okay I’m off to the get married and start the rest of my life where nothing again can ever go wrong. BYE THANKS YOU’RE AWESOME AND I LOVE YOU!
Exeunt