The Tragical History of Bromeo & Drooliet Act IV Scene I

SCENE I. Friar Laurence's fuckin place.

Enter FRIAR LAURENCE and PARIS
FRIAR LAURENCE
On Thursday, my lord? But that but a scant two days hence.
PARIS
Huh? The fuck do you care? Just be there.
FRIAR LAURENCE
But did you not also say your future bride is still broken hearted over the death of her dear cousin Tybalt? Does her unending lamentation not worry you?
PARIS
She’s a real moody chick, apparently. But I think that’s kinda the point. Her father wants to cheer her up, and I need a wife and, uh, yeah I guess thats it. I don’t really see the point in holding things up. I’m not gonna find anyone better here in Verona, probably. So... may as well get it over with.
FRIAR LAURENCE
[Aside] This is certainly going to throw a mound of feces into the ventilator. [to Paris] Ah, my lord, speaking of the devil, I believe your angel approaches.
Enter JULIET
PARIS
Ah, well, if it isn’t my future wife, Juliet. Hello Juliet!
JULIET
Oh right, yeah, um, Paris. Hello Paris.
PARIS
What, uh.. so what’s new?.
JULIET
Oh, you know. Stuff.
FRIAR LAURENCE
Cupid’s marksmanship was never more apparent than in this effervescent coupling.
PARIS
So, like, what are you doin here?
JULIET
Nothing. I mean, I came to here to see Friar Laurence.
PARIS
Yeah, duh. What for?
JULIET
To... plan our wedding?
PARIS
Oh good, I was doing the same but I’d rather you handle it to be honest. It’s more of a girl’s job anyway.
JULIET
Yes, exactly. So, I’ll go do that and you can go...
PARIS
Gamble. I do a lot of gambling. Cards, dice, dog fights, pretty much anything you can gamble on I’m in to.
JULIET
Oh great, I love those qualities in a man. Like, who doesn’t love a good dog fight?
PARIS
They really are awesome. Especially when they send in the bears. Oh man that is amazing!
JULIET
I’ll wager it is!
PARIS
Haha, good one. You know I wasn’t so sure before but now I’m actually starting to look forward to this wedding!
JULIET
I’ll bet you are! Well, guess we should go plan it then, right Friar Laurence?
FRIAR LAURENCE
Yes, we have many tedious and laborious details to hash out. How pleasant it was to see you, Count Paris.
PARIS
Yeah, super. You guys get to it. See you Thursday.
[Paris kissed Juliet awkwardly]
Exit
JULIET
Oh my god, SICK! Can you believe that spaz?
FRIAR LAURENCE
I’ll admit, he is not exactly the most finely polished stone amongst the crown jewels. Unfortunately to delay the date of the wedding appears to be beyond my powers.
JULIET
Don’t say that! Don’t tell me I’m actually going to have to marry that creep! GROSS. Please, there has to be SOMETHING you can do. I can not spend the rest of my life with that total douche bag!
FRIAR LAURENCE
Patience my dear, I am not totally absent of remedies. In fact I believe I have a solution to your current predicament, despite the abbreviated time table. However, it is not a solution I can recommend without caveat. It requires your absolute commitment. You must be steadfast in both your devotion to Romeo and your revulsion of Paris.
JULIET
I would rather staked to the ground in a desert and picked apart by vultures that marry that shit head. If I can’t be with Romeo forever, then you can just fucking kill me right now. I mean it.
FRIAR LAURENCE
I suspected you might feel that way. In that case, listen closely, because your future depends on strict adherence to every step of this plan I have meticulously concocted. Tomorrow is the eve of your supposed wedding to Count Paris. Therefore, tonight, when you retire for the evening, make sure you are alone and then drink this potion. It will render you unconscious for exactly two days. It will cause you to uncannily resemble a corpse, and your family will have no choice but to declare you deceased and make arrangement for your internment. After they have secured what they believe will be your final resting place, I, in private, will go to your impermanent grave to administer your final rites. Then, I will secretly abscond with your body to my place here, where you will be sequestered until you awake from the potion’s effects. Now freed from your betrothal to Paris and any other obligations foisted upon you by your meddling parents, we can plan for your reunion with your true love Romeo, to whom I will send a letter so that he is kept abreast of all our intricate machinations.
JULIET
Uh, so let me get the straight. I drink this, pass out, my parents think I die, I’m buried alive, you dig me up, keep me here until I wake up, then I get back together with Romeo?
FRIAR LAURENCE
Uh, yes, that is the plan, in the proverbial nut’s shell.
JULIET
Sounds awesome. Gimme the potion, let’s do it. Kay, see you later, Friar Laurence! Great plan, don’t forget to tell Romeo!
Exeunt