The Tragical History of Bromeo & Drooliet Act III Scene II

SCENE II. Capulet's fuckin orchard.

Enter JULIET
JULIET
Why is this day taking sooooo long! Go set already you stupid sun! Like, get over yourself and make room for nighttime! We’ve had enough light for today. God! … I think I’ve had to pee like 30 times today. I soooo wish it was tonight and Romeo was here. I wonder if I should masturbate before he gets here? Would that help for tonight? I better not. He’ll probably be able to tell. And anyway he’ll know just what to do when he gets here because he’s perfect in every way possible and this is going to be the best night ever! OH MY GOD I HAVE TO GO PEE AGAIN.
Enter Nurse, with rope ladder
Oh good you’re finally here with the rope ladder. This is perfect now Romeo can climb up the balcony and we can totally celebrate our wedding night! Yes!
Nurse
Yes, my love. I brought your rope ladder.
Throws them down
JULIET
Wait, why do you look so sad? Do you have sad news that you’re not telling me what is the news tell me the sad news immediately nurse what is going on talk to me!
Nurse
Oh my so very sorry my dear, but he’s dead. He’s gone and it’s a tragedy and I’m so sorry!
JULIET
… what?
Nurse
I’m sorry dear, this is really going to throw your wedding night into a proverbial titty twister!
JULIET
You can not be serious. You just can’t. There’s no way this is happening. This is some terrible joke you’re playing and it’s not funny. Stop joking, nurse, it’s a stupid joke and I’m not laughing so just tell me you’re joking and shut up because this is the worst joke in the history of the universe.
Nurse
I wish it was a joke my poor lamb. But I saw it with my own eyes. It was an awful bloody mess, with guts and entrails and the parts that are supposed to be on the inside hanging on the outside. Oh dear!
JULIET
Jesus Christ no. No fucking way. There is just no fucking way!
Nurse
How I wish it weren’t true. Tybalt, one of my only true friends in this house, dead. Dead and gutted. With this stomach ripped open and his innards splayed out. His veins emptied and the life drained from his sweet face. Oh! I saw his gizzard lying bloody on the street!
JULIET
TYBALT IS DEAD TOO? WHAT IS GOING ON? WHY ARE ROMEO AND TYBALT DEAD? NURSE TALK TO ME PLEASE!
Nurse
Tybalt is dead because Romeo killed him. Romeo is not dead but banished by the Prince. Oh it’s a day that makes one wish they were never born.
JULIET
OH MY GOD ROMEO IS ALIVE? ROMEO IS BANISHED? ROMEO KILLED TYBALT? WHAT THE FUCK?
Nurse
Yes to all your questions. A sad lamentable yes.
JULIET
THIS IS TOTAL BULLSHIT. Oh my god this was supposed to be the best day of my life and now it’s totally the worst! It’s like, hey why not make me the most delicious ice cream sundae in the world and then diarrhea all over it. Hey, here, have this delicious slice of cake. Oh wait, also there’s a giant turd on it. Great! Awesome! Fuck my life! Fuck the fucking shit out of it!
Nurse
I know it’s bad sweetie. Romeo really screwed things up.
JULIET
Romeo? You don’t know that. It was probably Tybalt’s fault! He’s a complete psychopath! He probably forced Romeo to kill him! I hate Tybalt, I’m glad he’s dead!
Nurse
Juliet! Tybalt is your cousin!
JULIET
Was my cousin. And who cares? I have so many cousins in this stupid family. I only have one husband, Romeo, who I married, if you haven’t forgotten. God! I’d trade every cousin I have if it meant keeping Romeo alive. I mean it. Tybalt was a jerk and I’m sure he was trying to kill Romeo. What was Romeo supposed to do, let Tybalt kill him? It’s totally unfair that they banish Romeo for that. They should give Romeo an award and banish Tybalt from the city. Or his body or corpse or whatever. Ugh, what about my mother and father? How are they dealing with all... this?
Nurse
Weeping and wailing as you’d expect any aunt and uncle would.
JULIET
Yeah they probably would. Well, tell them I’m too upset over Tybalt’s death to see them right now. But then go find Romeo. And tell him to climb up here for our wedding night. I know he’s banished but whatever. It’s just one night. And it’s not fair to ruin our wedding night just because of Tybalt. That’s so totally not fair.
Nurse
Well, all right, I suppose there’s no reason to keep you two from having intercourse now that you’re married. I’ll find Romeo for you my love. I’ve no doubt I can find him at Friar Laurence’s place. He’s not terribly sneaky that husband of yours.
JULIET
Good cause it’s really really important that I see him tonight, you know that. And here, give him this ring. Just, so he can have it. OK thank you nurse I love you!
Exeunt