The Tragical History of Bromeo & Drooliet Act V Scene I

SCENE I. A fuckin street in Mantua.

Enter ROMEO
ROMEO
What a pleasant and refreshing sleep! How nice it is to dream of me and Juliet living happily ever after! I can totally see that dream coming true, too. I mean why not? It could happen, totally. You know, all things considered, even exiled and all that, I’m feeling pretty good right now.
Enter BALTHASAR, wearing fuckin boots
Hey, fuckin Balthasar! What’s up fuckin Balthasar? How’s Juliet?
BALTHASAR
Um, well, she’s... good, I guess, if you just mean her soul. Because that should be up in Heaven, doing just fine. But her body is, unfortunately, a cold, lifeless corpse.
ROMEO
Wait what? Are you serious? Juliet is dead? Well fuck you stars! You cocksucking pieces of shit! I can only assume that this is all your fault, seeing as how you control the whole fucking universe! Asshole stars! God damn it. Guess I’m going back to buttfucking Verona then.
BALTHASAR
Do you really want to go rushing back so fast? Why not wait and calm down a bit first.
ROMEO
Hey, I am calm. I’m totally calm, dude. Calmer than a eunuch in a whorehouse. Speaking of fuckin celibate dudes, you don’t have any letters from Friar Laurence by any chance, do you?
BALTHASAR
No, sir, I’m afraid not.
ROMEO
Yeah why would you? Okay, well, get out of my face and go get me a fucking horse so I can go back to buttfucking Verona.
Exit BALTHASAR
Now all I have to do is figure out the most expeditious way to end my fucking life. Lucky for me I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I already picked out the perfect homeless looking apothecary asswipe to sell me the poison I need to kill myself. First time I laid eyes on that pitiful bum I said to myself, ‘if ever there was a pathetic wretch so disgustingly poor that he would resort to selling a man deadly poison to make ends meet, it would be this sorry looking piece of dog shit’. Fucking mendicant. Anyway, here’s his fucking shop. Hey! Apothecary! Fuckin open up!
Enter Apothecary
Apothecary
Stop shouting I’m here. What is it?
ROMEO
I’ve come to buy poison from you old man. Here are forty fuckin ducats. I’m sure you could use them. You are so fucking poor. So take the money and gimme the fucking poison all ready.
Apothecary
Poison? But that’s against Mantuan law. What makes you even think I possess such a thing, let alone want to sell you any?
ROMEO
Because you’re poor and disgusting and would probably sell one of your own feet for a hunk of stale bread you destitute sack of donkey vomit. Now exchange the drugs for the ducats, I don’t have all day.
Apothecary
Well, normally I wouldn’t agree to such a transaction...
ROMEO
Never fucking mind what you would normally do.
Apothecary
All right then sonny boy, here is your poison. Enough to kill twenty men.
ROMEO
Great, and here’s you’re fucking ducats, for all the good they’ll do you. A bargain for me, since all you get are useless slabs of inert metal, whereas I get the sweet release from this cruel joke called life. Idiot.
Exeunt