SCENE IV. A fuckin street.
Enter BENVOLIO and MERCUTIOMERCUTIO
Man, where the muthabitch is that fuckin guy Romeo?
BENVOLIO
I just spoke with his dad, he’s not at home.
MERCUTIO
Its that fuggin bitch, Rosaline, man, I’m telling you. She’s driving Romeo fuckin nuts.
BENVOLIO
Hey did you hear about Tybalt? He sent a letter to the Montague house challenging Romeo to a duel!
MERCUTIO
Sure sounds like that piece of shit Tybalt to me.
BENVOLIO
I bet Romeo writes back.
MERCUTIO
Fuck writing letters, man. Romeo should take his sword and bury it deep into Tybalt’s fucking guts. That guy’s an asshole.
BENVOLIO
Yeah, that’s what I meant.
MERCUTIO
I also think Romeo should bury his bone sword deep inside some random chick’s meat bag before Rosaline completely fucks him up. He really needs to get out there and get some of that FUCKIN PUSSY.
BENVOLIO
What about Tybalt?
MERCUTIO
What about him!? FUCK TYBALT. Look, here’s all you need to know about fuckin, Tybalt: Tybalt... fuckin sucks, man. He fucking fights everyone and I’m sick of his shit. Frankly, I think the Prince is sick of him too.
BENVOLIO
Really?
MERCUTIO
I don’t fuckin know, Benvolio. I don’t talk to that asshole either. Point is, this is Tybalt [waves invisible sword around spastically] Eh! Uh! Huh! Like a fuckign dickhead, man. All the time. And here’s what Romeo needs to do [mimes doggy style sex] Yeah! Aw yeah! Just like that! Does that feel good? You like that? Yeah, now you do me!
Enter ROMEO
BENVOLIO
Uh, okay... hey look, it’s Romeo!
MERCUTIO
Hey, fuckin Romeo! You look like shit, man. And where the fuck did you go last night? You totally blew us off man!
ROMEO
Better to blow you off than to pump you off, yes?
MERCUTIO
Better to be pumped off than pumped on, motherfucker.
ROMEO
Well excuse me, Mercutio. Sorry to make you butthurt about it but I was inescapably busy last night.
MERCUTIO
Yeah, getting busy I hope.
ROMEO
You could say that. You could also say a very important... understanding was reached.
MERCUTIO
What the fuck does that mean? Did you put P in the V or what?
ROMEO
Did i put Posies in the Vase? No, sorry, I didn’t compose any floral arrangements last night.
MERCUTIO
No asshole, did you get any?
ROMEO
You could say I got some.
MERCUTIO
Fuckin nice bro, I knew it. Tell me more.
ROMEO
I got some great ideas for what we could do with the rest of the day. Perhaps a picnic?
MERCUTIO
God damn it, Romeo. I’m asking you if you dropped your hogan into some chick’s piss tank last night. Can you just fucking answer that one simple fuckin question?
ROMEO
Yes, I can absolutely answer that question. But who knows if I actually ever will.
MERCUTIO
Fuck you, man. Be a dickhead then.
ROMEO
Aw, giving up so soon? Don’t you wanna know what I did last night?
MERCUTIO
No. Not I you’re going to be a fucking jerk off about it.
ROMEO
And what if a jerk off is what it’s about.
MERCUTIO
You got fuckin jerked off last night?
ROMEO
Maybe.
MERCUTIO
You fuckin lie. The only hand jobs you got last night was from a sock puppet full of tube steak.
ROMEO
You know I would love a good tube steak sandwich right now.
MERCUTIO
Yeah I bet. Drizzled with a fine yogurt glaze.
ROMEO
Oh hell yeah. I’d stuff as much of it as I could fit in my mouth. It’s so good I want it all!
MERCUTIO
Yeah man I’m sure you’re all like this [mimes vigorous two handed fellatio] AUH-AUH-AUH
BENVOLIO
OK Mecurio, we get it.
MERCUTIO
Fuck you, Benvolio! You know you love it!
BENVOLIO
No way, that’s gross!
MERCUTIO
It’s gross that you’re afraid of your true feelings, Benvolio. You need to relax, man. Learn to accept who you are.
ROMEO
Guys, shut up. Check out the super hot babe coming our way!
Enter Nurse and PETER
MERCUTIO
Oh man she’s gorgeous. And there’s just so much of her to love! What a goddess!
BENVOLIO
Are you guys being serious? She looks a little, um, fat, to me.
Nurse
Peter!
PETER
Coming!
Nurse
Peter, I’m thirsty.
MERCUTIO
Hope you brought your gravy boat, Peter!
Nurse
Oh, well, hello gentlemen.
MERCUTIO
Hello, gentlefatty.
Nurse
I beg your pardon?
MERCUTIO
I thought you only like to beg for table scraps?
Nurse
What kind of a man speaks this way!
ROMEO
A very disturbed individual, I can assure you.
Nurse
I don’t doubt it. Now, if you’ve quite finished, I was hoping one of you might help me find a young man who goes by the name of Romeo?
ROMEO
I could probably point you in the right direction.
Nurse
Splendid. Where should I look?
MERCUTIO
Why don’t you take a peek up your gigantic fat ass you disgusting whale. Maybe he got lost.
Nurse
Now that was uncalled for!
BENVOLIO
Sorry lady. He doesn’t mean any harm.
MERCUTIO
Fuck you, Benvolio. Who says I’m being fucking harmful?
ROMEO
You are being kinda rude.
MERCUTIO
Well maybe I’m a rude motherfucker, Romeo, you ever think of that? Anyway, fuck this, I’m done talking to this lump, this fucking cow. Hey man, you gonna be at your dad’s place later? We’ll get some fuckin dinner, man. Fuckin dinner.
ROMEO
Yeah, sure, I’ll meet you there.
MERCUTIO
All right, awesome man. Come on, Benvolio, let’s get it the fuck up out this bitch. Up yours, fatso.
Exeunt MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO
Nurse
What a thoroughly unpleasant young man. You enjoy having friends like that?
ROMEO
Ah he’s not so bad when he’s sober. The trick being around him for those eight minutes each day.
Nurse
He is a knave. No one uses that word anymore, and it is a shame, because in many instances it is perfectly applicable. This is one of those instances. That man, who can scarcely be called a man, is most definitely and precisely a knave of the most egregious variety. Peter, don't you agree?
PETER
Oh indubitably. And if I owned a sword I’d have swashed the shit out of his knavish buckles already, for sure.
Nurse
Yes, very well. Now, you are in fact Romeo, yes? You are... familiar, with my precious darling Juliet, are you not? I may have a pair of enormous titter tatters but that doesn’t mean I can’t figure out some things on my own.
ROMEO
You are correct on all accounts. Especially the titties.
Nurse
Then I implore you to deal with my dear Juliet in only the most honorable manner. I know how you rogues are these days. With your knavery and deceit and lust for intercourse.
ROMEO
I assure you, madam, that my intentions are quite the opposite. Well, except for that last part. Eventually anyway.
Nurse
Pray tell, what exactly are these intentions?
ROMEO
Glad you asked, because I need you to tell Juliet to meet me at Friar Lawrence’s place this afternoon so the two of us can get married.
Nurse
Married? By Friar Lawrence! How wonderful! How I adore that Friar Laurence. I'd sure love for him to feed me some body of that Christ if you know what I'm talking about.
ROMEO
Yes I'm sure I do.
Nurse
I mean I want to preform fellatio on hi! Ok then Romeo, I’ll go tell Juliet she’s getting married this afternoon!
ROMEO
Awesome. Oh, hey, and, uh, it would really help me out if you, like, left a rope ladder, or something, out of Juliet’s balcony, later this evening. You know, for, after we get married.
Nurse
Hah! Oh you kids and your lust for intercourse. Yes, absolutely, no problem.
ROMEO
Thanks, Nurse. You’re the best.
Nurse
Aren’t you angel for saying that. So unlike that knavish friend of yours. Say that reminds me, can you keep a secret?
ROMEO
Does the sun revolve around the earth?
NURSE
Of course it does, why do you- oh you mean yes you can keep a secret. Right. Then know this: the nobleman Paris has frequented the Capulet house and asks about Juliet. And I believe his desire is her hand in marriage. Also, he is exceedingly rich, handsome and powerful. However, I think you and Juliet make a better couple, so it’s good that you’re having a hastily arranged secret marriage. I mean what could possibly go wrong?
ROMEO
I know right? It’s the perfect plan!
Nurse
Oh how it swells my tits with bliss to know you kids are locked into a long life of peace, joy and happiness. Nothing but roses and daisies in your future, I’m sure.
ROMEO
How nice of you to say. Well, good bye nurse. And don’t forget to tell Juliet about this afternoon.
Nurse
Don’t fret sweetie, I shan’t!
Exit fuckin Romeo
Peter!
PETER
Fucking what? I mean, coming!
Nurse
Let’s go home. Oh I’ve got such a good feeling about those two, I really do!
Exeunt
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