The Tragical History of Bromeo & Drooliet Act II Scene II

SCENE II. Capulet's fuckin orchard.

Enter ROMEO
ROMEO
Man, Mercutio does not even know what the fuck it is that he is talking about.
[JULIET appears above at a fuckin balcony]
Holy shit there she is! Oh my god she is so fuckin hot. She’s like, the sun. Like a really hot sun. But not like, temperature hot, like the other kind. And like, she’s so hot that the moon gets all jealous and is like, hey, I know you’re supposed to be hotter than me, like heat hot, but I’m supposed to be hotter like prettier. And so then the Sun, who is, like, Juliet, is all like, yeah well you know what, moon, you’re just a - holy jesus what the fuck am I even talking about? How about this: Juliet gives me a spine shattering rock hard erection. And I very badly want to use that erection to have sex with her. Many times. All the times. And I think I just came.
JULIET
[To herself] This is so gaaaaaaaay.
ROMEO
[To himself] Whoa. So hot. What’s she mean by gay though? Not me. I’m not gay. The only them I’m gay for is her vagina. I’d gay marry her vagina. Maybe she means it’s gay that we haven’t boned yet, cause that is like, totally gay and stupid.
JULIET
[To herself] It’s so totally gay and lame and stupid that I didn’t get to have sex with Romeo tonight.
ROMEO
[To himself] Yessss!
JULIET
[To herself] Stupid Dad, for being a Capulet and making me a Capulet. What if like, Romeo just stopped being a Montague? Or I could, like, stop being a Capulet. It’s like, if everyone in the world stopped calling a rose a rose, and started calling it, I dunno, a fart flower, like, it would still be the same thing. It would still smell nice and look pretty. Just like Romeo. He’d still be fine as hell if his name was like, Crappy McButtstain. I don’t even know why names are such a big deal. Who cares. Fuck names. From now on, he’s no longer Romeo, I’m no longer Juliet, and we should totally get married.
ROMEO
Sounds good to me! Let’s do it!
JULIET
AAAIIIEEEEE!!!!! WHO’S OUT THERE? OM MY GOD WHOEVER YOU ARE MY DAD IS RICH AND HE WILL TOTALLY KILL YOU!
ROMEO
Whoa whoa whoa, relax. It’s me, um, Crappy McButtstain!
JULIET
HAHA, Oh my god Romeo you scared the shit out of me! You know I almost had you killed?
ROMEO
Hah, yeah that would have really sucked.
JULIET
Totally. So did you really just climb over that huge orchard wall? You know if my dad catches you he really will kill you. I’m not even joking. He’s kind of insane.
ROMEO
Listen Juliet, I know this is gonna sound corny, but right now, in your presence, I feel like there’s nothing in the world that can hurt me. It’s like, the power of love.
JULIET
Oh my god I can not believe you just said that. You’re so sweet. But no really, my dad will kill you if he finds you. He’s killed people before. Just for being out there in the orchard. I’ve seen it.
ROMEO
OK well I’ll make sure I don’t get caught then. And definitely don’t tell anyone I was here.
JULIET
Oh my god I so never would.
ROMEO
Well good.
JULIET
How did you find me here anyway?
ROMEO
I think it was … love that guided me.
JULIET
Oh my god shut up! But that is sweet of you. So... did you really come over here because you love me, or because we didn’t get to finish our... “conversation” back at the party? Because I know guys are all about that. And it’s totally cool if you are, I mean, like, I’m OK with that. But do you like, really love me? Or are you just going to say that because you know that’s what I want to hear? Because I think I kinda love you, like for real, so if like you love loved me, then-
ROMEO
Hey, stop right there. I’m going to be totally honest with you right now. It’s both.
JULIET
By both you mean, like, both you love me and, like - oh my god this is so embarrassing.
ROMEO
No listen, it’s totally cool. I like you, and I love you. And I want to show you how much I love you. Like right now.
JULIET
Shut up! That’s sick! ...So like...right now?
ROMEO
Oh yes. Definitely right now. Give me a second and let me climb one of these trees.
JULIET
No- wait! I mean. I can’t let you up here. I mean, just not tonight. It’s because of my nurse. She’s is being a total bitch. Otherwise, totally, yeah you should come up here.
ROMEO
Come on. Seriously?
JULIET
You really want to sneak into my room tonight?
ROMEO
Yes! I totally do!
JULIET
Well.... first you have to tell me you love me.
ROMEO
I did! And I do! I’ll say it again, I don’t care. I love you, Juliet. I love you more than anything in the world and you have to believe me.
JULIET
Ok, then you should marry me! I mean if you really love me then that should be no problem. Because I would totally marry you!
Nurse calls within
Oh my god! See!? My nurse is SUCH a BITCH sometimes! Hold on, don’t go anywhere I will be right back. I mean it, DON’T MOVE.
Exit, above
ROMEO
This is probably my boner talking again but I think I really would marry Juliet right now. Fuckin why not, right?
Re-enter JULIET, above
JULIET
OK listen I really have to go because of that BITCH nurse of mine but like, if you’re serious about, you know, continuing our conversation, then like, send me a note. And then I’ll know you're for serious.
Nurse
Juliet! Sweetie pie!
JULIET
COMING NURSE! GOD! - But you should really propose to me, because I totally want to marry you, not like, as a joke or anything.
Nurse
Honey bunny! I need you in here!
JULIET
I SAID I’M COMING, NURSE!!! JEEZUS!!!! - So yeah, I’m serious, YOU BETTER PROPOSE TO ME, ROMEO!
ROMEO
Oh I’m gonna.
JULIET
Good. Do it. Kay now I really have to go! Good night!
Blows kiss, Exits
ROMEO
...I am going to masterbate for hours tonight.
Romeo starts to walk away
Re-enter JULIET, above
JULIET
Pssd! Hey! Romeo! Hey, come back! But whisper, or my bitch of a nurse is going to shit a catapult.
ROMEO
Huh? Okay yeah I’m coming!
JULIET
SHHH!
ROMEO
sorry!
JULIET
So when are you sending my marriage proposal?
ROMEO
Soon! Tomorrow! Like, nine-ish.
JULIET
In the morning? Thats so soon! But still like, forever from now!
ROMEO
I mean, do you have a paper and a pen? I could do it right now?
JULIET
NO! You’ll go home and make me a proper one!
ROMEO
OK, then I need to go do that then.
JULIET
Wait! Don’t leave me! Okay, you can leave me to write a proper marriage proposal. Oh I wish it was morning already!
ROMEO
Yeah me too!
JULIET
OK fine, go then. The sooner we both go to bed and fall asleep the sooner we can wake up in the morning and get married! Oooh, parting totally sucks dick! Good night, Romeo! I can’t wait for your letter at nine A.M sharp!
Exit above
ROMEO
Now, to get home and jerk off!
Exit