SCENE V. Capulet's fuckin orchard.
Enter ROMEO and JULIET above, at the god damn windowJULIET
Where do you think you’re going? It’s still night out and you’ve got a lot more boning to do before the morning.
ROMEO
Yeeeah, as much as I’d like to keep sliding my bone sword up your love sheath, I’m pretty sure that that’s definitely the sun and it’s definitely morning outside and I definitely have to get out of here before I’m caught and executed.
JULIET
What? That? That’s not the sun, that’s... the moon. And those are.. moon beams. From the moon. So obviously it’s still night out and you can totally come back to bed and do me a few more times before you have to go to Mantua.
ROMEO
My eyes tell me to go but my rock hard boner tells me to stay and plow. Juliet, let it not be said that you do not have a vagina for which death is an acceptable risk.
JULIET
Haha, yes, you should totally do me again and if you get caught and killed it would be totally worth it! Wait, then there won’t be any more boning, like, ever. That would so totally suck! Nevermind! You need to go right now, so you live and come back later and stuff me full of that awesome living boner and not some icky gross dead boner.
ROMEO
Ah, so as they day waxes brighter our fortunes wane gloomier. It’s one of those, how do you call it? Ironicalities? Light hastens darkness. The sun begets the shade. I slay you with my bone sword then get slayed by a real sword. Know what? Irony fucking blows.
Enter Nurse, to the chamber
Nurse
Juliet! My dear!
JULIET
DON’T COME IN! I mean, what is it Nurse? Also really don’t come in!
Nurse
Okay it’s just that it’s the morning and your mother wants to see you, because now that it is morning and the day time it’s normal that you let people into your room. ON ACCOUNT OF IT NO LONGER BEING NIGHT TIME AND ALL.
Exit
JULIET
Well this sucks dick.
ROMEO
And yet, there can no more dick sucking. More of those god damn ironicalities. However, I will settle for a good bye smooch. With a hint of tongue.
They smooch, Romeo climbs out fuggin window
JULIET
I miss your red hot bone rod already, Romeo!
ROMEO
I miss pushing it in you already, Juliet!
JULIET
Will I ever again take in the entire length of it, you think?
ROMEO
My love, I don’t think... I know. Cause no way am I giving up that sweet sweet poonanny!
JULIET
Jesus I sure hope not! I’ll think of you often, my love, pushing it all the way in! Especially when I’m flicking my bean furiously!
ROMEO
Oh god I love it when you talk like that. You are going to be my one and only thought while I’m jagging off in Mantua! I love you Juliet - Good bye!
Exit
JULIET
I love you too, Romeo! Bye! Good bye my love! Oh how I wish I had that big juicy hogan in me right now! God I hate it when I can’t have everything I want exactly when I want it!
LADY CAPULET
[Within] Hello, daughter? Are you up?
JULIET
Mom? Why are you here so early? I mean up, so early. And here. What’s up?
Enter LADY CAPULET
LADY CAPULET
Juliet, good morning, how are you?
JULIET
Still really bummed. I feel totally awful. Like, not even a little bit good.
LADY CAPULET
Still? Because of Tybalt? I know you loved him dearly and that’s all well and good but it’s been over twenty-four hours, you’ve sufficiently grieved. You needn’t feel awful any longer.
JULIET
Yeah, well I still do anyway, OK?
LADY CAPULET
Well I suppose you can still feel bad. As long as you’re able to properly compose yourself. And for heaven’s sake stop weeping. It’s unbecoming, you know.
JULIET
Maybe I would if you’d stop being such a bitch about everything!
LADY CAPULET
Juliet! Please! I am not the one being distempered about things. If you need to direct your anger at anyone, let it be the villainous Montague that slew your cousin Tybalt.
JULIET
You mean Romeo?
LADY CAPULET
Yes, that foul, pestilent, pale imitation of a beast posing as a man.
JULIET
[Under her breath] Motherfucking bitch. [to her mother] Uh, yeah, Romeo, I think of him often, um, because, he, makes me so mad. Grrr, Romeo!
LADY CAPULET
If only we had the opportunity to balance the scales of justice and slay him ourselves, here in person, rather than allow him to escape both the city and our vengeance through cowardly banishment.
JULIET
Yes! I too wish he were here right now! There would totally be a slaying! [Under her breath] Of my pussy!
LADY CAPULET
But dwell not on righteous vengeance for your cousin. I’m sure your father will be able to reach out to his contacts in Mantua and have Romeo poisoned or something.
JULIET
NO! I mean, yes. Great, let’s totally poison Romeo and avenge Tybalt. Awesome plan, mom.
LADY CAPULET
Yes. Now, let us put aside these drab and dreary topics and turn our attention to more joyful matters.
JULIET
More joyful even than murdering, Romeo? But what could that possibly be?
LADY CAPULET
Something for which that you should thank your circumspect father. A man who always and only has your best interests at heart. As such, a glorious day has been secured for you and everyone else in our recently afflicted family.
JULIET
How soon exactly is the glorious day of joyfulness arriving?
LADY CAPULET
This next Thursday, my dear, where in two days you will be married to Count Paris and from thence enjoy a life happily ever after!
JULIET
What the hell are you talking about? That’s ridiculous, I’m not marrying Paris. I don’t even know Paris. Why have you all the sudden decided who I’m gonna marry, anyway? And it doesn’t matter who you decide because I’ve already decided who I’m going to marry. And guess what? It’s Romeo. And guess what else? I don’t hate him, I love him. So there. Go spread that joyful news to everyone in the family.
LADY CAPULET
What? Are you ill? Well, here comes your father, feel free tell him these plans yourself!
Enter CAPULET and Nurse
CAPULET
Ah, my dear Juliet. Gracious child, are you still mourning my nephew, Tybalt? It’s been a whole day. I loved your cousin too, but enough already. We have more cheerful events to address. Mrs Capulet, have your informed our precious daughter of the good news I have procured?
LADY CAPULET
Oh I’ve told her all right. But she’s gone quite mad and decided for herself that instead of marrying Count Paris she’s going to marry Tybalt’s murder, the villainous Montague, Romeo!
CAPULET
What? What kind of joke are you playing right now? It is extremely inappropriate you know, and not the least bit humorous.
JULIET
It’s not a joke, father. I appreciate everything you’ve done but I love Romeo and not this Paris. Like, sorry.
CAPULET
Sorry? You’re like sorry!?! Not nearly as sorry as you’re going to be! No. No, you aren’t serious. This is all a joke! A terrible joke. And now it’s over and on Thursday you’re going to marry the nobleman Paris and you’re never to speak of this fiend Romeo ever again! Do you understand me young lady?
LADY CAPULET
Is any of this getting through to you, Juliet? Or are you still completely out of her wits?
JULIET
I’m not out of my wits, and I’m not going to marry Paris! I’m going to marry Romeo! And I don’t care what either of you say because I hate both of you both!
CAPULET
Oh I see! You hate your mother and I, do you? After we’ve spent all these years showering you with luxury and providing you with this massive house and these sumptuous meals! You could be out in the street, living like the rest of the animals, you know. DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WE OWN SLAVES? Do you understand how privileged that makes you? And do you think I like keeping this incompetent nurse around? Of course I don’t, she’s insufferable! But I do all for you anyway! And this is the thanks I get? To be upbraided by my own insolent brat of a daughter?
Nurse
Now, now, sir. I think our little lamb has been through a lot recently, there’s no need to chide her so brutally.
CAPULET
I’ll chide you, you pathetic oaf! You corpulent mass of gristle and twaddle! How about I admonish you right out of the house and on to your voluminous fat ass that has been wasting space in this house for far too long!
Nurse
I’m sorry my lord, I meant no harm.
CAPULET
I don’t care what you meant! Your insolence is not dependent on your intentions!
Nurse
So... can I maybe say one quick thing?
CAPULET
Oh you stupid ignorant cow. Shut up! Just shut your fat fucking cake gobbling mouth, whore!
LADY CAPULET
Um, honey, perhaps you should calm down.
CAPULET
God damn it! Is no one listening to me? I work, and toil, and sweat, and break my back, all day, all night, for years, in this god forsaken jerk off town. And for what? For this, BULLSHIT?! Arranging a marriage of a commoner to a nobleman, no matter how rich and successful that commoner may be, IS NOT FUCKING EASY. So guess what? Everyone is going to shut the fuck up, and on Thursday, Juliet is going to marry Count Paris, which is what pretty much every other god damn little girl in this stupid fucking town dreams of her whole fucking life. She’s not going to marry fucking Romeo. She’s not going to ruin her life and our family on some stupid fucking girlish fantasy. And that’s fuckin final! I’m not dealing with this shit anymore. You all deal with with it however the fuck you want. I have a shit load of arrangements to make, so don’t bother me until after the wedding. WHICH WILL BE ON THURSDAY. GOOD BYE AND SEE YOU ALL THEN.
Exit
JULIET
Oh my god what is wrong with him! I hate him sooooo much and I never want to see him again! I wish I was dead!
LADY CAPULET
If you ask me, Juliet, you brought this on yourself. You’ll get no sympathy from me. Nurse, you handle her, I’ve got to see after Lord Capulet like a dutiful wife.
Exit
JULIET
OOOOOOH GOD! THIS IS SO NOT FAIR! Why does everything terrible have to happen to me! IT’S NOT FAIR, NURSE! IT’S JUST NOT FUCKING FAIR!
Nurse
Well, look at it this way sweetie. No one else knows of your secret marriage to Romeo. Except the Friar, and he’d never cross your father. So you got to experience a little romance and get a little pee in your the vee and now it’s over and you can move on and pretend it never happened. I’m sure Paris will now how to skillfully plunge his noble dong into your tight teenage twat. You’ll see. He’s also very rich. So don’t worry about, really it’s not so bad.
JULIET
You think so?
Nurse
Of course. From the bottom of my tits.
JULIET
WELL FUCK. YOU. TOO.
Nurse
Juliet! I’m trying to help you!
JULIET
…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. You’re right. I should just move on. So listen, I need you to tell my parents I’ve gone to Friar Laurence’s to make a confession, so I can absolve myself of all this Romeo nonsense and move on and marry Paris and live happily ever after.
Nurse
What a miraculous and nearly unbelievable change of heart! How wonderful a decision. I will tell your parents at once!Exit
JULIET
Father is right, she is a stupid bitch. Oh well. I will be with Romeo and I won’t marry Paris. And if this plan doesn’t work, I’ll just fucking kill myself.
Exit
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