The Tragical History of Bromeo & Drooliet Act III Scene III

SCENE III. Friar Laurence's fuckin place.

Enter FRIAR LAURENCE
FRIAR LAURENCE
Romeo, my son. Come inside, quickly.
Enter ROMEO
ROMEO
Holy shit this has been one fucked up day. Pardon my language, Friar.
FRIAR LAURENCE
That is all right, Romeo. I heard about what happened earlier, and I’m afraid I have more unfortunate news for you. It came from the Prince.
ROMEO
The Prince? What is it?
FRIAR LAURENCE
It’s a royal title usually bestowed upon the son of a king, but that’s of little concern to you right now. You’ve been banished from Verona, Romeo, never to return under penalty of death.
ROMEO
Banished from Verona? Forever?
FRIAR LAURENCE
Do not unnecessarily dwell on this small corner of Italy. Remember that Christendom is a kingdom vast and wide.
ROMEO
Fuck that. Fuck Christendom. This is the same thing as killing me. The Prince gave me a death sentence with a different name.
FRIAR LAURENCE
Do not mistake the Prince’s clemency for injustice! He has given you a life sentence! LIFE! Can’t you be thankful for that?
ROMEO
Well you and the Price can both think I’m getting off easy, but I’d rather be dead then suffer a lifetime of torture and misery. A life knowing I’ll never again be reunited with my love Juliet is not one I’ve any interest in. You can;t cut out my heart and expect me to thank you for it. It’s like, hey, thanks for cutting my heart out and then buttfucking it! Really! Thanks a bitchload!
FRIAR LAURENCE
Your life is far from over Romeo, as I would explain to you if you would afford me the opportunity.
ROMEO
Yes, because that’s what I want to hear, more about the buttfucking of my heart.
FRIAR LAURENCE
Romeo, abate your hysteria and allow me sooth your lamentation with a few words of reason.
ROMEO
Stuff your words, padre.
FRIAR LAURENCE
Well I suppose there is no point then, if you insist on continuing your downward spiral from man to blubbering crybaby.
ROMEO
Oh fuck you, dude.
FRIAR LAURENCE
Ah! A spark of defiance! Perhaps there is hope for your manhood yet! Now please listen to me for a minute.
ROMEO
Look, Vader Laurence, I appreciate you wanting to help, but unless you recently got married, killed your newlywed’s cousin and then got banished from your wife forever, SHUT UP - CAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL.
Knocking on the door
FRIAR LAURENCE
[SIGH], Romeo, you need to hide, someone is at the door.
ROMEO
So let them find me, what do I give a crap?
More Knocking
FRIAR LAURENCE
Romeo! I implore you to dissimulate yourself immediately! [turning to the door] Hold on just a moment, please!
Knocking
[turning to Romeo] Do not be obtuse! Camouflage your presence in my study forthwith! [turning to the door]  Yes, you at the door, I shall attend to you directly!
Knocking
Why do you insist on flagellating against my door so fervently? Yes, unseen visitor at my threshold, what is it that you want?
Nurse
[Outside] Let me in and I’ll tell you! I have a message from my dear lady Juliet!
FRIAR LAURENCE
Ah ha! My old friend the nurse. [opens the door] Please do come in. And I apologize for the delay however I was dealing with a... rather inflexible predicament.
Enter Nurse
Nurse
If stiff objects are vexing you, know that I have much experience resolving them. Oh how it does my breastusus good to see you, Friar Laurence, it has been too long. But we haven’t time for all that, please tell me you know where Romeo is. I need to locate him most urgently.
FRIAR LAURENCE
That I can do. May I direct your attention to the lachrymose heap on the floor behind me?
Nurse
Oh, my dear Juliet is in state of dreadful tears herself! Come now, Romeo, we can’t have both of you lying about like a couple of sad sacks. Show me you’ve got a sterner set of testiculars than that!
ROMEO
… [Romeo slowly gives the nurse the finger]
Nurse
Your generation is nothing if not confounding.
ROMEO
What about Juliet? Why does she confuse you? Because she thinks her husband is a murderer? Because I took our pure and innocent and holy marriage and besmirched with the death of her cousin? Because we had this good and beautiful thing between us and I totally fucked it all up?!?
Nurse
Because her true love has been exiled!
ROMEO
As I suspected. I fucked it up. I fucked it all up. Whelp, there’s still one sure way out of all this fucking bullshit. Who’s got a knife on them? Preferably sharp.
FRIAR LAURENCE
Oh now that is too much! I think we’ve all heard just about enough of your whimpering, Romeo. You’re, well, pardon me but exceedingly womanish behavior needs to cease this very instant. It is as if you were born without a phallus and gonads! Now be quiet and listen to me! You slew Tybalt because otherwise he would’ve slain you. There is no dishonor in saving your own life. And the Prince could have had you executed regardless. Instead, he commuted your sentence to exile. Good! It’s called living to fight another day! So live! And fight for your love! Don’t crawl away like some callow beast and just give up! Don’t capitulate and die! Prove yourself worthy of Juliet’s love. Yes, you are banished from Verona. But not from Mantua, where you will flee henceforth and await my word. For while you are in Mantua, we will be here, working on a way to extricate yourself from the Price’s punishment, so that you may indeed return to your city and your love. Obviously it is not the perfect situation, but you are rich, and young, and in love, and so it will probably work out somehow. So for the sake of our Lord in Heaven and His son that died for your sins, Jesus Christ, please, quit your god damn bitching.

But before you escape, this evening the nurse and I will sneak you into Juliet’s bedroom under the cover of night so you can properly consummate your marriage before the eyes of God and Jesus etc etc.
Nurse
Friar you have no idea how wet you just made me.
ROMEO
Yes, I will heed your words, friar. Like a turgid boner I will rise to the occasion. Thank you for the stirring speech. I now again believe that everything will be fine and it’s nothing but roses and daisies from here on out.
Nurse
My breastusus swell with pride to hear you back in the swing of things my dear, Romeo. Intercourse is back on the schedule! Also here is a ring Juliet told me to give you. A cock ring! Hah, no just kidding, it’s a regular ring.
Exit
ROMEO
Awesome, thanks nurse.
FRIAR LAURENCE
Now, after you’ve finished copulating with Juliet, don’t forget to abscond to Mantua before daybreak, or you will be captured and executed before we have a chance to secure your pardon. Go quickly now. Good night, Romeo, and pleasant fornicating.
ROMEO
Thanks dude. I’m glad we had this talk. Later on.
Exeunt