The Tragical History of Bromeo & Drooliet Act II Scene III

SCENE III. Friar Laurence's cell.

Enter FRIAR LAURENCE, with a fuckin basket
FRIAR LAURENCE
Truly this is an auspicious dawn of a new morrow! The radiant golden orb peers over the horizon to splash its fortifying rays on all the flowers and herbs of the garden I tend. From flowers of dulcet fragrances to weeds drenched in noxious ointments, all are treasures in the eyes of our lord. To be the caretaker to such literally awesome forces of nature is a blessed honor indeed. The lord provides for the earth, and the earth is life’s steward. From the womb to the tomb, the circle of beings. You know, I just may be the most knowledgeable and introspective Franciscan monk in all of Italy.
Enter ROMEO
ROMEO
Good morning, father.
FRIAR LAURENCE
Romeo! How are you my son? The lord bless and receive you this fine new dawn. And how is it that you are up so early? Young gentlemen such as yourself need their sleep. A lack of respite renders resentment is what I always say. But you are looking suspiciously cheerful to have been awoken early from a restless slumber. Should I infer then that you have in fact not yet retired from yester’s evening?
ROMEO
It’s true I didn’t sleep, because I was engaged in something even sweeter than dreams.
FRIAR LAURENCE
Excuse me Romeo! I don’t know if you know this but I am a Franciscan monk, and I can not in good conscious condone the premarital extracurricular activities with the young lady Rosaline that you are transparently implying occurred!
ROMEO
What? Rosaline? No dude, not Rosaline. And not, extracurricular activity, or whatever, either.
FRIAR LAURENCE
Oh, well, that’s good then, I suppose. So in what particular activities were you just now engaged? ROMEO
You know, just chilling. With a girl. From her balcony in an orchard. We talked, and stuff. She’s, like, really cool, you know? And we talked, about some stuff that we might need you for. Like, some monkish stuff, like church stuff. Which is why I came here to see you, to ask a favor.
FRIAR LAURENCE
Romeo, wait, please, illuminate me as to whom you speak so fondly?
ROMEO
I want you to marry me and Juliet Capulet as soon as possible. Like today.  
FRIAR LAURENCE
God’s great gizzard! You move expeditiously! Were you not just recently pining for the affections of Rosaline, to which I provided counsel? Now, a scant few days later, you beseech me to bind you and Juliet in the exchanging of holy vows. A girl of whom you had no acquaintance until just last night? Are you really that fickle? To jump with extreme alacrity into so sacred an institution as marriage?
ROMEO
Well, look, think of it like this, it’s either marry us now or watch us both sin ourselves straight to hell.
FRIAR LAURENCE
Those are our only two options?
ROMEO
Hmm... yeah that's it.
FRIAR LAURENCE
I suppose we should be thankful then that Rosaline’s chasteness will allow us to both dodge the proverbial god damned bullet.
ROMEO
Hey shut up about fuckin Rosaline already. Excuse me, father, I mean shut up about that virtuous paragon of piety, please.
FRIAR LAURENCE
All right, well if your hearts have decided, then a wedding is what we’ll have. As I like to say, better to get married than to have intercourse and die and go to hell forever because of the immoral transgression you committed against our lord and savior Jesus Christ.
ROMEO
Right, exactly what you’re always say, father.
FRIAR LAURENCE
Amen.
Exeunt